368. Big Monster Coming!!!

Little man is currently obsessed with 2 things; transformers and monsters.

Every evening when I get home from work, I’m taken by the hand, dragged upstairs and I’m instructed to RUN!; “RUN MAMMY…RUN…BIG MONSTER COMING!!!

Little man pulls off all manner of robot like moves as he frantically fights and shoots at this terrible thing, protecting Mammy at all costs, whilst barking instructions!

40 minutes later, exhausted and even sweaty, I gaze into my little man’s eyes, kiss him on the forehead, and tuck him in tightly, knowing in my heart, that despite our struggles and upheavel; My little man is my greatest achievement, and he deserves all the effort and love I can muster.

The nieghbours must think we’re bonkers, but i dont care. I love you little man……

Loopy x

367. Murder.

I wonder what it feels like……to murder. Don’t worry folks, this is not some declaration of descent into psychopathy, but it is on my mind.

Irish media reports at the moment are filled with the tragic discovery of a 17 year old boy. This however was not some standard stabbing, or scuffle that got out of hand. It was the brutal dismemberment of a young man’s body, limbs discovered in a duffle bag, head discovered in a burnt out car, and a torso, to my knowledge, yet to be reclaimed.

I can kind off understand crimes of passion, emotions running high as the red mist decends. I can empathise with murder caused in self defence. Crime lords whacking people with a gun shot, to assert authority, is off course ethically questionable but still, in a sense humane.

This however was something else. A drugs feud that has resulted in unspeakable horror. It was calculated, planned, ordered by some high almighty, but the brutality beggars belief.

How can someone inflict such torture on another human being? What sort of twisted mindset enables you to carry on, as your victim begs for their life, roaring in unimaginable pain. How can they possibly live with themselves knowing what they have done?

He was a child. A young lad on the cusp of adulthood, who found himself amongst thugs, who probably revelled a little in having wads of cash.

But ultimately he was someone’s “little man” I’m shocked..

Loopy x

366. My teeth hurt

They’ve definitely yellowed, and look bad. I’m afraid to smile now. I’m so ashamed. Then add to this my new found general achiness and sensitivity.

Come on Loopy, start wising up!!you are ruining your teeth

Irregardless the urges to purge keep coming. They now sneak up on me at work, an escalation of the severity of things. It’s hard to hide the stench of puke at work.

Eating now makes my tummy bloated and sore. There’s one quick cure for that, and it works. It does reduce the discomfort and the expulsion of the calories soothes my head a little…..that is until the food cravings come again with gusto.

OH is oblivious to this particular struggle. I’m too ashamed to tell him

Loopy x

365. Nothing to say.

I used to find blogging cathartic but at the moment I just can’t be bothered.

It’s a familiar feeling. The stats indicate that no one is reading it anyway.

Posts would be treading over old ground. The cyclical feelings of worthlessness, ugliness and increasing hoplesness. What the hell is wrong with me?

On a side note, I’ve ordered pills. It sounded dodgy from the start. Indian voices on a crackled line have kinda prepped me for identity theft, a bank account clear out, and a package that will never arrive. If it does arrive, god knows what’s in them!! I don’t really remember placing the order, or consuming the choclate bar, whose wrapper I found on my bedside locker this morning. Life’s becoming a little hazy.

Loopy x

364, Muffin tops and camel toes.

It’s the new year and for many off us, that means RESOLUTIONS. Most of these will centre around health and fitness goals.

That can only mean one thing. Crowds of women flocking to gyms, squeezed into lycra. Don’t get me wrong, I admire their gusto. Today I sweat amongst them. But OH dear Lord!! I wish this lycra fad would end. I’m blind as a bat, but even my eyes gasped at the muffin tops and camel toes!!! I dread to think what someone with 20/20 vision would be subjected to.. Having said that, keep it up ladies, may 2020 bring you fitness and good health.

I’m starting the year at 59.15 kg. It’s a figure that does not sit well with me. I’m sporting muffin tops off my own. I feel grotesque. I can sense a working out frenzy coming. I don’t do things by half, it’s not in my black and white nature.

Let’s hope I can stay in control. Gym sessions, will at least, reduce my need to purge.

Loopy x

363. Secondary services.

Today my GP insisted on a referral to secondary services The services that I’m already under the care off. It was a little bizarre, but an hour later I was called by my CPN.

The service here is rather crap. I used to have weekly appointments, a very kind ear on the phone and someone with whom I felt comfortable confiding in. God I miss C! (and L for that matter). I’d give anything to hear their reassuring voices again. They really cared, or at least it felt like they did.

Now I’m in a system that doesn’t seem to care I’m struggling, but I don’t think I’ll get much help here.

Back to work on Monday and I’m dreading it, but maybe it will help.

Loopy x

362. Happy New year!!

Whoever and wherever you are, I wish you all the best for 2020.

Let’s hope it’s a good year for all of us. For those of us who feel lonely, lost or hopeless, try and remember that good days can come again and for tonight at least, I am holding you in my thoughts.

Loopy x