281. A safeguarding issue.

I’ve been holding back for months. I’ve been terrified of the consequences. How can anyone ever have those thoughts?

I’ve also been terrified that on impulse, or in the depths of despair, I may react, in unimaginable ways.

Today, for the safety of my beautiful little boy, I finally shared some of my most distressing thoughts. I fear that I may hurt him. I know that on occasion I have felt the need to die, and escape this cruel existence. But my little man can’t grow up without a mum. He can’t grow up in a cruel world either, and I’ve been told over and over that when a parent dies by suicide, it has a life long impact. Should I therefore take him too?… No, No,NO, a million times NO, but I’m still fearful.

I know this is disordered irrational thinking. I know these thoughts are wrong. But I also know that I’m not always capable of rationally challenging the emotional side of my brain.

Child services will be in touch soon. What have I done???

Loopy x

280. “I’d be happier if….

you didn’t get it, to be honest.” These were the words that fell from my mother’s lips, as I told her I didn’t get the job. This was her first response. Surely on some level she knows that missing out would be disappointing. Surely she can recognise that on some level, I MUST have wanted it; why else would I apply?

How has she not yet learned to tread more carefully? How is it, that she can’t just be supportive.

I quickly changed the topic. We bought a car, which will be delivered next week. I told my mum the colour….. her reply;

“oh I can’t stand white!”

Loopy x

279. The interview!

Today was D day. At 2.20 I recieved the Skype call, and was faced with a panel of 5! I was grilled!!!

I’ve come away exhausted, sure I haven’t got it, but I’m not deflated. I’ve done incredibly well to do this, the day after discharge from a psych hospital. It has given me courage to apply again.

You did well loopy. Be proud of yourself no matter the outcome.

Loopy

278. When the darkness sets in

I’m home, and by all accounts it has been a successful endeavour. It’s now 12 am however, and OH is snoring beside me. It’s dark outside and I should be sleeping.

Someone forgot to tell my head to shut up. I knew I’d struggle in the darkness, I knew racing thoughts and crippling self doubts would take hold again. The false security of the psych ward slowed my mind, just a little, but now I’m back in the real world again. A world I’ve tried to escape now, twice.

I can’t believe they sent me home without a sleep aid.

I’ll be officially discharged in the morning. Am I ready? Yes! Will I be ok? I’m not so sure…

Loopy x

277. My safe space.

I’ve found one spot on this ward, where I like to sit. A place that feels “safe”. I sit on the floor in the corridor by the main entrance to the ward . I encountered no issues with it at all until a few weeks ago. Out of the blue I was told;”Get up.off the floor, there are loads of seats”

That may be true but to me they are uncomfortable, socially awkward spaces that are any thing but ‘safe”

The reality of thus new rule, is that few staff have bought into it. Many have allowed me to stay put, whilst others pounce on me like a scrap yard Rottie, no sooner than my hand grazes the floor. This new rule in my opinion is largely born out of an official complaint myself and other friends lodged following an incident we viewed from my “safe space”. We can see too much sitting here, and it has frightened ward management.

I feel like a child testing boundaries, and right now I refuse to move. I have approx 1 hour left in this place, I’m freaking out and I need to feel “safe”

No I will not move.

Loopy x

276. The talk.

How many people do you know, that would set up an interviews, whilst still in hospital? That’s exactly what I’ve done. It would be fine if I didn’t also have to prep a talk for it.

“How would you identify and quantify proteins and why is this knowledge important for medical laboratory scientists?”

I’m thinking about this, as I sit on the floor, in my favourite spot on the psych ward. It’s a bizarre experience. Tonight should be my last sleep in here, with tomorrow night being spent at home before discharge.

My interview is over Skype the day after. What in earth was I thinking!!! You need to learn to rest loopy!!!

Loopy x

275. I’m getting out.

Today we discussed my liberation from this place. I’ll be discharged on Monday provided weekend leave goes well.

I’m not quite as terrified as the last time I was released from a hospital, but the jitters have hit a little. All off a sudden life has coming hurtling towards me once again. I’ve had a couple of really effective psychology sessions in here though. I’ll miss him.

For the first time ever, someone has properly unpicked me and more importantly enabled to to gain an understanding of why I think and behave the way I do. Since my last overdose we’ve been reintroducing all my meds. Today I told them to halt at the lower doses. I think I feel better at these levels.

Loopy you are enough!!! YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

Loopy x