It’s a tough week. I’ve coped relatively well with life and work stessors of late. Tonight though I’m sobbing, uncontrollably sobbing. I’ve binged, I’ve purged, I’ve binged and purged some more I’m eating orlistat like smarties and all I want to do is burn.
The best therapist I’ve ever had, the one who’s guided me so carefully and expertly, the one who takes no shit, the one who intervenes so annoyingly at times, the one who frustrates the hell out of me, the one who I frigging love and not in a creepy sister/ mother transference way, the one who is just fucking excellent at her job, the one I needed,…………………is leaving……………………….
Suddenly I’m 20m under water again. I’m gasping, im panicking, my chest is tight, I can’t breathe…..
Right loopy, get of this phone….. Quick what can you see? What can you hear?
Doughnuts, choclate, liquorice allsorts, mini gems, and 3 cans of coke! I just couldn’t stop!
I suppose ive been restricting my diet for quite long now, and I’ve finally caved, in spectacular fashion. I feel gross.
Stomach huge, and my throat is raw. Its quite a low point forcefully purging behind a locked toilet door, whilst your 6 year old gleefully converses with you about minecraft from the other side. I’m a quiet purger, a skill I’ve mastered well, but the shame is awful. The regret, the disguist, the anger at myself for caving.
Nope that’s not a typo. I like this brand, and have had success with it before.
New year, new body-the usual blah blah blah. Better starting point this year though, not the same level of weight gain to banish.
I’ve run out of orlistat, and I’ve decided not to re order anymore. I’m also resisting the urge to write negative, self esteem bashing blog posts and should I relent then I must at least include some positivity too. The recovery continues!!
Tonight I stuck it out til the countdown with my little man in tow. He’s not so little anymore now 6. He loved staying up late, and loved the buzz of me and his grandparents doing the countdown, embracing each other with kisses and handshakes all round and watching the London fireworks.
He off course couldn’t figure out what all the fuss was about. “Why do we celebrate a new year mammy?”, “why are we happy it’s a new year?” my frenzied explanations left more curiosity than satisfaction, but his continued quizzing forced me to reply think.
I’m celebrating tonight because I’m still alive, my kids and hubby to be are also still alive. I love them sll and I’m looking forward to spending 23 with them, and making happy memories for them. I’m celebrating because returning to work after mat leave has not tipped me over a mental cliff, like it would have done in the past. I’m celebrating because I’m hopeful for our future, for my continued recovery, and for little mans continued growth in confidence.
As for little little man, I hope he continues to love his daddy as he does now and his eyes continue to brighten with sheer delight as daddy enters the room.
He’ll come round to me eventually:)
Finally I’m hopeful that all of you, find or keep love in 2023, find or keep heath in 23 and maybe even find or keep some wealth.
Ps if any of you happen to be multimillionaires a house deposit donation wouldchange my life 😉
Or if your an influencer get me promoted so I can monetise this bad boy 😉
OK I’ve been a bit dramatic with the title, but the image below is quite significant. I was digging out birth certs for my two beautiful boys (to.open bank accounts) and I stumbled upon some old letters/psych reports and safety plans.
It was like reading about a total stranger! A character that I no longer recognise, thoughts and actions that are just so bizarre to me now, and a psychology discharge because I was too unstable to undergo it.
I’ve had a lovely Christmas and finding those notes has been the icing on the cake. I can’t believe I was ever that ill, that despairing and that self destructive. I’ve come so far!!!
In the fire they go! . That’s all in the past and whilst important, it’s not something I need to hold on to.
Happy Christmas everybody and I genuinely wish each and everyone of you a great 2023 and a future full of self care, self assurance, and self love!!! You deserve it!!
I’m very numb. Emotionally yes I’m better, no 6 ft under lows, or cloud 9 highs For someone who supposedly only lives in black and white, all I see now is grey
It’s a weird state of mind. I think it’s my meds still doing their thing, but I need more joy. I thought a new car would gimme a buzz, but we picked it up.on Friday, and I just felt.. …. nothing really.
Problem here is, I think I’m grasping for a buzz, for some sort of instant joy, or just something!!! So I’m pretty compulsively gambling, and shopping. Wasting far too much cash and I can see it getting out of control.
Hello all, I’m back. I took a bit of a blogging break for a while there. I read somewhere that we’re all basically big gooey organ filled, high thinking batteries and sooooo…..we should drop the things that drain us and keep those thing that charge us back up
My last blog was a while ago. I found myself drained doing them. Almost like sitting in an actual therapy session but without the support. I have started to miss blogging though.
I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want the therapy. I don’t want to talk about my insecurities. I don’t want to expose myself anymore. I want to quit counselling.
She’s lovely, but I want to run. I want to hide and I want to stay silent. I can’t do it JUST LEAVE ME ALONE
I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. I’m too pathetic. Can we just stop. I need to stop!!
It feels too raw, too uncomfortable, too hard.
I’ve never really felt like this in therapy before. Is it just too much now, whilst being a new mum. Am I already spinning too many plates or am I just scared? Scared of failure at it, scared of being silently judged, scared off saying too much……or too little.