10. More time to reflect.

I guess my hours of pondering why I’m here have culminated in picking out every bad thing in my past that are probably trivial to many, but in my current state of mood everything feels huge.  At about the age of 8 I lost my first dog Dino.  I loved Dino beyond words, she played football with me and slept for hours on end on my chest and then one day I found out he’d been hit by a car.  Owning and losing pets are good life skills for children to have; the ability to recognise the frailty of life and the importance of being allowed to grieve properly.  Around 2 weeks after Dino’s passing I lay awake in my room one night balling my eyes out, devastated at the loss of my dearest friend. I can’t remember the exact response of my folks but it was somewhere along the lines off; Ah it’s been weeks now honey, you need to stop crying.”  And i’m pretty sure I did.  That was probably the beginning of shoving my feelings down.  How dare we cry beyond what is reasonably expectable.  My folks made the rules here but this is a trend that would follow.

A few years later at 11 or so I fell out with my closest cousin.  We were thick as thieves growing up but had regular rows.  This particular occasions was a bad one and that evening I went to bed and cried my eyes out.  My mum heard me, asked me what’s wrong and when I told her I felt alone and had no friends her response was “wise up!” you’ve got loads of friends.  She left and I wept myself to sleep.

at 16 I faced one of the biggest most emotionally destroying event of my entire life.  I took up scuba diving.  On a beautiful day for a dive; blue skies and crystal clear visibility, myself, an instructor and one more trainee  checked our equipment (all OK), gave the thumbs up and launched ourselves with glee into the water below.  it was all going so weel, until it didn’t.  The other trainee (and to this day we don’t know how) ran out of air.  I have flashbacks of sharing my regulator with the instructor as the other trainee fought for his.  I remember the sheer panic, and a quick thumbs up (meaning go up!) from my instructor, and so I did.  I shot to the surface air bubbles and bright light intensifying as I surfaced, alone…. I shouted for our boat, relayed in my shocked state what had happened and then we waited and waited for an eternity.  Then the two bodies surfaced one in motion and one lifeless.  I climbed into the rib and watched as grown men pounded on the chest of a husband, and a father and in all honestly, just a really nice bloke.  He was blue, beyond revival.  We sped to the shore where trained medics were waiting but it was too late. I was ushered home by my parents still in my wetsuit and as I stripped everything off in the shower tears poured down my face.  This was a court case that dragged on for 5 or so years yet at home I was never allowed to talk about it.  I had EMDR which helped a little but truly the guilt catches me off guard on regular occasions If I’d not been there, then perhaps it wouldn’t have happened.  If i’d just stayed down longer maybe we’d have found him quicker and got more air to him.

At 16 again, I fell in love, well that first proper love you get when you find someone that you think you could have more than a one night snog with.  For a couple of blissful month I had the perfect guy. The type of guy, you’d be comfortable and feel safe loosing your virginity too.  That is in fact what we did, a few drinks and a walk along a sandy beach and under the night sky, I lost my virginity.  IT’s just a shame that a few months later he announced that he was gay.  That’s a good confidence knocker.  It’s funny though I couldn’t have had a more caring and respectful experience in that sense and if I had to go back in time and do it all over again, I’d want the same guy, although perhaps this time he could bring his hubby along to make it more interesting!! But it did cast doubts in my head with every future relationship.  I kept thinking every guy was gay.

Enough for now I think.

Chill out today

Loopy x

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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