12. Do I hate my son?

Today has been a more positive day for me in many ways. I guess the start of it, was that I actually managed to share some of my inner thoughts and fears with a member of staff this morning. Today, I said for the first time out loud, those words that no mother should ever utter; I hate my son!.  The truth I guess is that it’s not so much that I hate him, but that I hate the person I’ve become since having him.  I’ve become someone who is utterly useless at everything I do.  I spend hours at work procrastinating, either from exhaustion or from the mere fact that my head has become so much busier since I’ve had my boy.

I wanted him so badly.  I had my first miscarriage during my PhD.  I never knew I wanted to be a mum so badly until it was cruelly taken away from me just a few weeks into gestation.  Tow more miscarriages would follow, each one more devastating than the last.  We had fertility tests, I had a diagnostic laparoscopy, we were then going on the waiting list for IVF.  Whilst all this was happening I applied for a new job, accepted it and then boom, immediately found out I was pregnant.  The joy is indescribable, as is the fear of telling my new boss, but what did that matter really, I was pregnant and this time it was meant to be.

On the 18th of Dec 2016 I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy you could ever imagine.  The labour was quite traumatic ending in a ventouse delivery, but he was perfect, at least for the first couple of days. Then all of a sudden, and I hate saying this, but I began to be terrified of the life I had now created for myself.  I’d lie awake at night listening for his breathing, petrified of cot death.  I’d try daily to get him to latch on so that I could feed him as nature intended, but he couldn’t.  I’d grow tired of his crying and I’m not sure when exactly this happened but I soon began going through the motions of motherhood, not really feeling that this little guy was mine, or that he loved me.  For 14 weeks I hated my existence, and I spoke to a GP, but it was brushed off as baby blues.  Given my past, I knew this was a little more than baby blues but I never went back.

Then one morning at 14 weeks old the clouds lifted, the resentment faded and I began to fell the love that every mother should for their child.  Every little milestone, giggles, rolling, following objects etc made me burst with pride.  It was what I imagined motherhood would be, full of love and laughter.

But then in August, I went back to work and I think that’s probably when this downward spiral reignited.

If you’re a mum and your trying your best, then believe me, you are the best mother in the world.

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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