18. The blue face

O.k so sometimes I can identify this trigger.  Running water, taking a shower or being down by the sea often remind me of that diving experience that didn’t end so well. But then there are times when I’m just walking around the yard, making a cup of tea, going on the train or whatever and there it is, the blue face.

When you see a lifeless body dragged onto a boat, wetsuit ripped open and grown men pounding on his chest, I guess it never really leaves you but I cannot shake his blue face.  It flashes before my eyes at seemingly random moments and then it passes and I go about my day until the next ime it flashes.  It’s been happening more frequent lately.  Maybe it’s because I’m stressed or low anyway or maybe its because the guilt I felt that I should have done more is starting to once again eat away at me.  He was a Dad to young girls and I’m now a mum.  Why did I not do more to stop those girls losing their Dad.

I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.

Loopy x.

 

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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