19. The stench of tobacco

It drives me fooking insane that everyone in here smokes.  It is off course supposed to be a non smoking hospital but I don’t blame them for not trying to enforce that rule.  I can just imagine the riots and injuries.  It’s also not fair though that I have no choice but to be exposed to it.  Second hand smoke is carcinogenic and stinks!!!!.

All I want to do is burn myself, just even a little to relieve some of the tension that all those smokers get to relieve with every puff.  At least when i do it it only affects me.

So what’s all this tension about anyway.  My head races constantly with all my inadeqaicies.  I’m failing as a mother,  and right now all I want to do is run away.  I’m failing at my job.  A quick conversation with the boss today confirmed that I’m easily replaceable or at least that they’ve got someone in to pick up all my tasks and take my office.  I’m failing at my relationship.  All i ever do is pick at OH, get mad at him for not listening to me, not putting the towels in the right place, not doing the mondane tasks of daily living properly and I have no idea why i do it.  He’s tired all the time too and sometimes I hate him for that.

As I’m typing this i can smell the stench of second hand tobacco on my clothes.

Maybe i should take up smoking

Loopy x.

 

 

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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