22. Was it rape?

You think a person would know definitively if they were raped or not.  This is something that’s being playing on my mind for years now and I never once uttered the words (or until now typed) “I was raped”

I did a years placement when at uni which meant spending a year living in hospital halls of residence with other trainee doctors, nurses, physios etc and us trainee Biomeds. No one drinks alcohol and parties quite like med students.  For the most part it was fun and one of the best years of my life.  Incidentally it’s the year I met and fell in love with OH.

This happened before meeting OH though.  We’d all been drinking.  We’d all been having a laugh.  Most of us were in our PJ’s and had no intention of going out, it was just one of those spur of the moment house parties. And now things get blurry.  I remember going back to my room, I remember being followed.  I remember being absolutely wasted and I can remember him on top of me.  I didn’t consent, I was in no fit state to.  I didn’t scream or push him off, I did nothing. I remember his balding slightly ginger head and his wedding ring.  And I remember him leaving, not saying a word.

I feel disgusting when I think about it, stupid for allowing it to happen, angry for not reporting it at the time, but then I wasn’t even sure it was rape, but it was.

I never saw him in the halls again or at least I don’t think I did, I wouldn’t recognise him anyway.  He wasn’t a student, he was a qualified doc who I suspect enjoyed taking advantage of young, drunk students.  I wonder now if he’s done it again.  I struggle to talk to male GP’s, counsellors, etc until this day and I don’t know why.  Could that be why?

I’m so ashamed……………………

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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