it’s amazing how after a gym session you can feel buzzing and then this evening all I want to do is kill myself again. I had a family visit. I was feeling that weird distance towards my son again and total rejection from him. I know, I know he’s only a toddler.
I can’t look after him and I’m still finding it very hard to be around him. He seems to be thriving with everyone else. Sometimes I wish someone would just take him away. I’m a horrible person. How can any decent human being feel that towards their own child?
I wish the staff in here would stop asking about him, and telling me things like “aw you must be excited to be seeing him today” or “I bet you enjoyed that visit/”
I do want to be his mum, I do want to feel better towards him. I wanted him so badly……………………but he deserves better. I’m no good for him.