Self harming is an odd behaviour, lets be honest, although having said that people do it all the time. Smoking, drinking alcohol, eating processed foods, using sun beds, living in cities full of smog and exhaust fumes; the list goes on. Yet those behaviours are accepted by society. For me I struggle to understand why I burn myself. There are a couple of obvious reasons; it calms me down when I’m feeling suicidal, it makes me feel better when I can’t cry, it feels good when there’s pain and it feels good both picking at and taking care of the wounds after. Weird right?
It can also make me feel like a failure when I can’t do it right. if the heat is not held on until I no longer feel the pain then I feel like a failure. if it doesn’t blister properly or char the skin then it’s not adequate. I’m struggling without my usual means. I’ve burned today, several times; little burns in the same spot, but it’s not quite producing the calming endorphins that it usually would. I’m not stupid. This is not healthy.
Again I’m feeling odd today. Totally apathetic towards life.