48. Self harm to attenuate the suicidal thoughts.

Self harming is an odd behaviour, lets be honest, although having said that people do it all the time. Smoking, drinking alcohol, eating processed foods, using sun beds, living in cities full of smog and exhaust fumes; the list goes on.  Yet those behaviours are accepted by society.  For me I struggle to understand why I burn myself.  There are a couple of obvious reasons; it calms me down when I’m feeling suicidal, it makes me feel better when I can’t cry, it feels good when there’s pain and it feels good both picking at and taking care of the wounds after. Weird right?

It can also make me feel like a failure when I can’t do it right. if the heat is not held on until I no longer feel the pain then I feel like a failure.  if it doesn’t blister properly or char the skin then it’s not adequate.  I’m struggling without my usual means. I’ve burned today, several times; little burns in the same spot, but it’s not quite producing the calming endorphins that it usually would. I’m not stupid.  This is not healthy.

Again I’m feeling odd today. Totally apathetic towards life.

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

2 thoughts on “48. Self harm to attenuate the suicidal thoughts.”

  1. The chemical release of endorphins will get lower and lower each time you do that. This is a pattern of an addiction. This vicious cycle creates a lot of problems in the long run that at the time people don’t notice. Better to seek help and create some healthy habits that reprogram your brain to stop doing this.

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    1. Thanks for your comment Lee. Yeah I know it’s a vicious cycle that can escalate. I’d been free of this particular habit for 5 years or so and then bam!!! I need it right now.
      I’m usually a rationale logical being. Right now I’m doing what ever gets me through each day.

      Like

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