it’s nearly 12am and my head is racing. I’ve had my meds but still my head is full of thoughts. It’s been an odd day by all accounts. I’ve had multiple photographs of my little man sent to me today from Granny C and with every ping I thought, jeez not another one. I looked at them all, and could see a beautiful little boy enjoying himself but i felt nothing. I don’t miss him right now and that scares the hell out me. It felt like getting photographs of a freinds child; you look but aren’t really bothered.
Staff in here often ask about him; “will he in today?, who’s looking after hum?, I bet you miss him etc”. I am a truely horrible mother. I feel the guilt though, that mum guilt that eats away at you when you think you should be doing better. I want to look after him, raise him surrounded by love and encouragment, but right now I can barely be in the same room as him. It’s the weirdest feeling and I don’t like it. He seems so happy and content without me.
And there’s that thought again; if i just killed myself now it would be easier on him. He would never have really known me.