So from week 1 in here it was pretty much agreed that I would benefit from psychology. It has taken forever, but today I finally met with one. It was both brilliant, as I felt comfortable talking with her, and terrible because I’d been feeling low today anyway and once you start talking about stuff it sort of opens up the floodgates.
I told her a little about my PTSD past and a little about how I feel towards my son. That was enough for today. It was draining. I then went back to my room, head racing and wept pretty uncontrollably for about 20 minutes. I dragged myself to lunch, took it back to my room and wept some more. I don’t know how I’m ever going to get through all this. I hate myself, I’m ugly, I’m (technically) disabled, I’m a terrible mother, I suck at my job and I don’t know why, but all the guilt I felt about that drowning experience (see the blue face post) has resurfaced and it’s showing itself everywhere.
To end on a positive though we have decided compassion focused therapy is the way to go. At least I feel like there might be some progress.