61. Psychology at last.

So from week 1 in here it was pretty much agreed that I would benefit from psychology.  It has taken forever, but today I finally met with one.  It was both brilliant, as I felt comfortable talking with her, and terrible because I’d been feeling low today anyway and once you start talking about stuff it sort of opens up the floodgates.

I told her a little about my PTSD past and a little about how I feel towards my son. That was enough for today. It was draining.  I then went back to my room, head racing and wept pretty uncontrollably for about 20 minutes. I dragged myself to lunch, took it back to my room and wept some more.  I don’t know how I’m ever going to get through all this.  I hate myself, I’m ugly, I’m (technically) disabled, I’m a terrible mother, I suck at my job and I don’t know why,  but all the guilt I felt about that drowning experience (see the blue face post) has resurfaced and it’s showing itself everywhere.

To end on a positive though we have decided compassion focused therapy is the way to go.  At least I feel like there might be some progress.

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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