101. Little Man

Today only one thing is occupying my thoughts; My little man.  I’m going to see him tomorrow for the first time in around 4 weeks and I should be feeling excited but my heart is filled with dread.

What kind of mother fears seeing her own child?  I’m worried that he won’t come to me, that he’ll have forgotten me or worst still that I won’t be able to tolerate his company. This is the first time seeing him, since my family reaffirmed my ASD suspicions.  My mother had his hair cut in a style I do not like and he has changed so much since I last saw him.

He’s a proper little heart breaker though; blond hair, chubby cheeks and a cheeky little face. How do I stop myself looking for symptoms and just enjoy the company of my beatiful little boy?

How will I cope if he has one of those tantrums that he often threw on our commute to work?

I’m consumed with guilt for abandoning him this past few weeks and for not missing him this past few days.

Tomorrow is a big day.

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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