102. A big day.

Today has been somewhat sureal.  I had my usual psych review this morning and he ripped the carpet from beneath my feet! “Take overnight leave tonight and we can discharge you tomorrow”

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm no! We then agreed I would aim for discharge on Monday.  I nodded and agreed to it all but in reality it terrified me.  I was caught sobbing by one of the nurses.  We had a good chat and agreed a more palitable plan.  Being discharged will also mean that my psychology sessions with the one person I am totally comfortable talking to will cease.

I was terrified of today, because today I was going to see my son for the first time in around 4 weeks. I’m currently processing it all, and feeling a little overwhelmed.  The visit went as well as I could have reasonably expected; indeed he surpassed my expectataions and showered me with affection.  Basically my little man climbed all over me, rubbed choclate covered hands all over my clothes, dribbled half eaten chips down my chest, spilt cranberry juice down my face as he tried to feed me, smiled at me, blew kisses to me and hugged me.  Those hugs were better than any medication on this earth and reminded me of what I’m fighting for.

I was terrified I would feel no affection towards him, but I did. I was however feeling agitated when he started to become tired and grumpy.  Although it went well, I’m petrified of leaving this place. You know you’ve become institutionalised to some degree when walking back onto the ward is like coming up for air. Outside roads seem busier than before, sounds seem louder, the house feels unsafe, the tasks on my to do list feel MASSIVE and although I am ready to be discharged (i.e I have no intention right now to end my life) I’m terrified beacuse all the problems that led me to this place still exist.

I’m still visually impaired, I still hate how I look, I still think my son deserves a better mother, I still worry about my work and commuting and all our finances.  We still have no close family support, I still see the “blue face” when I’m overthinking, I still have a partner who could do much better in supporting me with stuff, and to top it all off I have the worry that my son has ASD.

My head is racing and I want to burn.  I won’t tonight though.  I’ve set that challenge for myselft to resist the urge.

One step at a time loopy!!! Go speak to someone in here whilst you have the chance.

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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