103. Reality check.

I’m getting out of here on Wed and I’m not ready.  The reason I’m not ready has hit me like a ton of bricks.  My relationship is broken. I can’t go back to my life the way it was before.  I shoulder all the responsabilities in our lives, I pay all the bills, do everything of importance with little man, do all the worrying about rent, and utilities and Christmas gifts and family phonecalls and trips out and nights in and basically every little thing in our lives is managed by me, and I can’t do it anymore. I have a stressful job, I can’t drive which only adds to my daily stress. I commute with a screaming toddler on rush hour trains and I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE.

When I pass off some of the tasks they don’t get done.  19 months I’ve been hassling OH to sort out childcare vouchers and the deadline is Oct 4th and he still hasn’t done it!!.  Over two years I’ve been bugging OH to make a GP appointment because he is always tired and esentially absent from our lives and HE STILL HASN’T DONE IT. I’m so lonely at times….

I don’t want to go back.  Tonight the ill side of my brain is telling me to try and hang myself so that they’ll keep me here longer.  How messed up is that!!!!!!  I’m feeling suicidal because the thought of facing all the problems that are on the outside terrifes me.  There is too much stress in my life, too much respoonsability, too much hardship trying to cope with everything with a visual impairment, too much self loathing of how I look which OH has contributed to through is absence in our relationship, and I’m petrified that little man may have ASD.  I can’t drive him to appointments or to creche or to where ever he needs to go.  So I’ll have to walk in pouring rain and gusting winds, brave public transport and basically just muddle through like I always do.  I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE…………………………

What the hell do I do now????

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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