This is it, my final blog post from within the confines of a psychiatric hosptial (all being well the next two nights whilst on overnight leave). Today as I sat at my kitchen table with OH, the words of a fantastic staff member rung in my ears; “if you don’t tell him, then you’ll be back here in a couple of months as a revolving door patient, you have to tell him!”.
Today I was brutally honest and poured my heart out to OH. It feels cruel to me now but I told him the true effects, on me, of his lack of engagment in our relationship. I wept as I explained that a future with no changes will kill me.
He did his usual silenct act, but he did listen. He told me he would make an effort, he assured me he would work on things. Tomorrow by the time I get home, OH should have made a GP appointment for himself. I’m hopeful that he’ll have done so.
I’m clinging onto hope right now, it’s all I have to help me brave the real world again. I’m still terrifed of leaving the safety of these walls and all the fantastic staff that perservered with me and opened me up.
I’ll miss them all terribly. The one who let me punch her (gloves and pads), made my days more bearable and eased my suffering. The one who stalked me (and opened me up alittle) made me feel safe and cared for. The one who instinctively knew when to lock my room, made me feel secure and less ashamed of my behaviours. The one who made our beds, and told me to shower made me feel more human, and nurtured. The 3 youngest ones made me laugh, and smile and appreciate the genuine goodness in people. The organiser of all activites gave purpose to our days and showed true human kindness when I first arrived. The “fabulous darling” made me feel less inadequate as a mother and more empowered as a person going forward.
The ones I’ll probably miss most off all are the two (Cunts, you need to know the Matalan context) who perservered with me, showed me genuine empathy, gradually chipped away my outer shell, made me laugh when my days were grey, made me smile when my soul was sad, and made me realise that it’s o.k to put yourself first from time to time. No one in my life has ever talked to me, been as patient with me, showed me as much emapthy and imparted life experience to me in the ways that these two women did. They’ll never know the true impact they have had on me.
I’ll also genuinely miss the fantastic nurses, who are constantly pestered, pulled in several directions, abused, shouted at and undervalued. Their jobs are incredibly difficult yet they all do it with kindness, empathy and caring ears. I’ve had several really good chats with them, and each and every one showed me genuine kindness and support. I certainly couldn’t do their jobs.
Every single person on that ward is amazing, and I will remember those people who saw me at my lowest and showered me with non judgemental care for the rest of my life.
So I guess this is it, tomorrow is the beginning of a new life for me. One where I will put my needs first, where I will reach out for help when I am struggling and I will do everything I can to get back on track and become dare I say it; happy again. I will shower my son and OH with love and begin to show myself the same compassion that I show to others. Tomorrow is Day 1 of my journey to wellness.
Wish me luck everyone.