Today has been ordinary. It was my first day at home alone with Little man and in some ways it felt like I was never away. I am thankful for ordinary today. When I (eventaully) got up, I fixed breakfast, dressed Little man, put on a washing, did the dishes, made myself a cup of tea, and basically just fell back into the realities of motherhood.
My CPN came to see me at lunchtime. I so needed to hear a sensible voice today. It was reassuring and I’m feeling supported which is good. Someone who isn’t pushing me to hurry up and get better. Someone who listens to me in a non judgemental manner. I really need that right now, and it’s good to know there’s a friedly voice available on the phone if I need it.
This afternnon I took Little man to the beach. He loved it, and I did a little too. Things took a bit of downward spiral on our way home though. He had a full blown meltdown. My heart raced, my body became tense and uncomfortable and my stress and anxiety came flooding back. The problem is I don’t know if this is just a difficult toddler tantrum or a sensory meltdown. He was walking alongside me happily and then BAM!, sits down on ground, starts roaring and is completely inconsolable. I waited calmly; it didn’t work, I picked him up; it didn’t work, I talked to him softly; it didn’t work, I tried to usher him along; it didn’t work, I hugged him, gave him space, gave him time, but nothing worked. Eventaully I just had to hoist him over my shoulder and carry him home screaming and flailing around. Peppa pig brought him out of it when we got home.
I really can’t cope with these. They make me feel inadequate, stressed, annoyed at him, guilty for being annoyed at him and generally just worthless. Also he weights a flipping tonne.
We’re home now though and all is relatively calm again. He’ll hit his usual evening grump stage soon.