119. Breathing in light, and releasing negativity

I pumped those pedals hard tonight.  It didn’t matter in which direction I travelled the wind was hitting me square in the face. I didn’t want to stop; I’m not sure why.  I had to return home though, given recent history and the fact that I usually only do around 30 minutes, I thought OH might start to worry. 45 minutes against the wind was good though.  I tried something a little different tonight; something my psychologist had mentioned to me; “Breathing in light and releasing negativity”.  It’s dark out so I breathed in the orange glow of street lamps and breathed out a heavenly white beam (it was easy to visualise with my bike light glistening against the tarmac.).  Thinking about it; I should probably have breathed in the heavenly beam but it kind off worked anyway.  I’m not very good at these abstract methods of finding inner tranquility, but I need to practice. The benefit tonight, was that whilst focusing on light; I wasn’t really thinking.  I wasn’t self destructing or harbouring thoughts of worthlessness, I was merely focusing on breathing light. Off course once I stopped my head cogs picked up pace again.  I do however, need to become more comfortable with these abstract concepts.

The next few weeks wiil be all about finding a compassionate self, and the excercises are all a bit abstract and uncomfortable for me.  My psychologist will be using good old fashioned “chair work”.  I will be encouarged to engage in dialogue with an imagined person (possibly my younger self, or something symbolic such as my inner critic) or indeed I may have to assume the roles of both parties in a conversation.  The emphasis will be on self reflection and change, in the hope of removing (or at least reducing) my tendancy to self criticise and ruminate.

Before I go; Night 2 of the “Keep Sally Up” challenge has killed me.  I wanted to self harm earlier, but I’ve no need to now by abs/flabs are burning.

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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