I pumped those pedals hard tonight. It didn’t matter in which direction I travelled the wind was hitting me square in the face. I didn’t want to stop; I’m not sure why. I had to return home though, given recent history and the fact that I usually only do around 30 minutes, I thought OH might start to worry. 45 minutes against the wind was good though. I tried something a little different tonight; something my psychologist had mentioned to me; “Breathing in light and releasing negativity”. It’s dark out so I breathed in the orange glow of street lamps and breathed out a heavenly white beam (it was easy to visualise with my bike light glistening against the tarmac.). Thinking about it; I should probably have breathed in the heavenly beam but it kind off worked anyway. I’m not very good at these abstract methods of finding inner tranquility, but I need to practice. The benefit tonight, was that whilst focusing on light; I wasn’t really thinking. I wasn’t self destructing or harbouring thoughts of worthlessness, I was merely focusing on breathing light. Off course once I stopped my head cogs picked up pace again. I do however, need to become more comfortable with these abstract concepts.
The next few weeks wiil be all about finding a compassionate self, and the excercises are all a bit abstract and uncomfortable for me. My psychologist will be using good old fashioned “chair work”. I will be encouarged to engage in dialogue with an imagined person (possibly my younger self, or something symbolic such as my inner critic) or indeed I may have to assume the roles of both parties in a conversation. The emphasis will be on self reflection and change, in the hope of removing (or at least reducing) my tendancy to self criticise and ruminate.
Before I go; Night 2 of the “Keep Sally Up” challenge has killed me. I wanted to self harm earlier, but I’ve no need to now by abs/flabs are burning.