133. A cleaning frenzy.

Today has been an odd day mood wise.  I certainly didn’t want to rise this morning, and I was silently raging that OH took Little man upstairs twice and allowed him in to jump on me. I really really just wanted an undisturbed lie in, but nope!!!!

We decided to go and do our grocery shop.  I could feel my anxiety and self hatred building before we left.  I didn’t want to be seen in public today.  I luckily found a wooly hat that I could pull over my hair.  Somedays I can’t go out without a hat, and today was one of those.

Back in the safety of our own house, I wrestled with Little man and it was fun. He’s a little brute at times, who loves to be tossed around and grappled with.

This afternoon I’ve gone on a cleaning frenzy.  I don’t know why the notion hit, but I feel like the house is filthy at the moment and I’m ashamed of it. So I’ve spent most of the afternoon, vacuming, scrubbing and trying to remove the grime. I’m not done yet…..

My own personal hygiene left alot to be desired this weekend.  I just couldn’t be bothered.  I have to go out tomorrow though so I’ve showered now.

I’ve also had to prepare Little mans nursery bag for the first time in months.  I’m saddened that we’re returnig to that old routine. I’m tense this evening, partly due to the anticipation of what tomorrows commute will hold for us (I fear tears), and also I just have a genral feeling of unease. I’ve wanted to self harm this weekend, and tonight the urge is quite strong. OH being home is stopping me though.  What will I do when I’m home alone?

On the bright side, I’m much better stocked than the psych ward was, in terms of what I need to treat the burns (they really only catered for cutters, which really bugged me).

If truth be told, I’m feeling quite low.

Loopy x.

 

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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