I’ve realised today that I’m becoming a little obsessed with the gym. It’s my self harm replacement; at least for now. I didn’t go yesterday and I felt disgusting. I guess it’s giving me, what self harm used to. I get a little endorphin rush, followed by calmness and fatigue. I don’t quite get the same pain rush though, and I don’t get to care for myself afterwards in the same way. My psychologist is training me to be compassionate towards myself in healthy ways. I’ve just realised that the only times I’ve really showed myself compassion, is when caring for my burns.
I got quite good at it. I had too. Some NHS staff aren’t quite so understanding when you present with self inflicted injuries. I can vividly remember a paramedic who scorned at me once; “Well you’re not doing a very good job are you!!!” I’d presented to a wlk in centre with an infected wound, racing heart and potential sepsis, so they rang an ambulance.
I don’t think I’ll be able to stave off self harm for much longer. I’m really craving it. Life’s becoming stressful again, and it’s my coping mechanism.
The results of OH’S father’s angiogram have come back, and it’s not good news. He needs bypass surgery. OH is visibly worried and at the moment I’m an emotional vacum, unable to give him what he needs.