139. My Puggy Boy.

In the quest for better mental health, I’ve had to make some tough decisions but none come close to the pain I feel tonight. My house is empty and my heart is broken.

10 years ago you came into my life and filled a hole I didn’t even know existed. You were the greatest Christmas gift off all and for 10 years we were inseparable. I promised I would love and care for you, for all your days, but tonight I’ve shipped you home to live with my parents.

My puggy boy, I owe you everything. You were my first baby. You were with me when I moved in with OH. You were with me when I was turned down on my first PhD application and you were with me the day I found out I’d been accepted.

You were with me when I had my last depressive episode. You were with me when my PTSD was at its worst. You were with me when I took my first overdose all those years ago and you gazed at me worryingly when my mouth began to froth. You were with me, when I had my 3 misscarriages, and you nuzzled your little head lovingly into me as I lay in bed, broken.

You were with me when i typed every word of my doctoral dissertation and you listend to me endlessly practice for my viva. You wiere with me when I made my first proper job applications and you were with me when we moved to take up my first post graduate job. You were the one who listened to my first attempts at lecturing, and gave me the courage to do it for real.

You were with me when I found out I was pregnant and you made the joyful declaration (see below). When I went into labour and OH was sleeping upstairs you sat by every contraction and snuggled with me through those first few hours. When we took little man home you were there to great us.


For 10 years my house has never been truelly quiet. Your little sniffs and snorts and snuffles filled the silence, as a reminder that I was never truelly alone. When OH worked nights you were my house alarm and protector. You were my conversation companion and you were my extra duvet during cold spells. You were also Little mans first friend and play mate.


pug 5

Tonight I could hear a pin drop. My house is deadly silent. Your bowls and bed are gone, I had to give you up. I know my Dad will spoil you and you’ll have much more freedom now, but I feel so guilty and alone.


You’ve greated me home from work everyday with your jumps and boundless energy. I love you Puggy Boy and I always will.

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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