141. Keeping myself busy.

I’m afraid of time alone.  This past two days I’ve been on my own and I’ve literally not allowed myself anytime for rest or thinking. I had psychology today which gave me a reason to get up.  I’ve since vacumed and mopped all my floors twice, blitzed Little mans room, the spare room and all of downstrairs.  I’ve done 3 loads of laundry, I’ve gone to the gym, and gone out on my bike.  I’m afraid of those moments of respite that most people long for.  That’s when I start to think, self criticise, catasrophize and become self destructive.

I’ve slightly abused diazepam this past two nights. I’ve taken more than one really should; just enough to find some much needed sleep. I felt no ill effects from the 15 mg this morning.  Dancing with Benzo’s is a risky game, I know. I won’t do it once I have caring responsabilites again.

Tomorrow is another big day for me.  I’m finally speaking to Occi Health about my impending return to work.  I don’t feel ready yet and I’m mad at myself for not being ready. I’ve just read my hospital discharge summary again and to be honest it doesn’t really give the full picture. I guess I’ll have to be honest tomorrow, if I can.  I’ll have to check what information he is obliged to share with managers first.

Feeling rather stressed this evening.

Loopy x.

 

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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