Oh my word, i cannot believe this is post number 250. I wonder will I ever make it to old age, will I look back on this someday, and recognise my struggles as a battle I have won, or will it just be some other lost blog in the vastness of the web. Thank you to those of you following, and to those who occasionally hit like. I’ve said it before but your support makes me feel just a little less alone in this world.
So today was one of those day’s that I’d like to forget. I was teaching all day, a science practical on the separation of proteins using Chromatography (a method that enables you to separate out and collect individual proteins from a complex protein mixture) The morning session ran o.k, however the tech staff messed up the storage requirments of our reagents and thus the afternoon session was a car crash!!. Nothing worked as it should, I had to make up fake results on the fly, reassure increasinlgy frustrated students that they had done nothing wrong, try to hide my own anger and remain positve, and somehow drag us all through the torment and failings of the afternoon. It was indeed a true reflection of science, in the quest for knowledge methods often fail, but for first years it was a little too strenuous, and I could see their body language change, their despair grow, and their enthuasisam dissappear. It was a hard day for all off us.
I needed things to work, I needed students to be content, I needed to take it easy today. I’m physically not right, and my CPN’s insistence that it is anxiety is not sitting right with me. I’ve had anxiety before but it would come in waves. The shakiness, the nausea and the head fog that I am now experiencing is constant. I’m barely functioning and if it is anxiety, then its hit a whole new level, that long term I simply cannot cope with.
I ended the day in floods of tears, with a colleague. He was incredibly kind, and supportive, but now I am ashamed, feel a little more vulnerable and wish I’d kept my tears to myself. My meds are not working, and I’m too “distressed” for therapy. My mood is destroying me, my lack of concentration is destoying my career and I’m struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.