I’ve been holding back for months. I’ve been terrified of the consequences. How can anyone ever have those thoughts?
I’ve also been terrified that on impulse, or in the depths of despair, I may react, in unimaginable ways.
Today, for the safety of my beautiful little boy, I finally shared some of my most distressing thoughts. I fear that I may hurt him. I know that on occasion I have felt the need to die, and escape this cruel existence. But my little man can’t grow up without a mum. He can’t grow up in a cruel world either, and I’ve been told over and over that when a parent dies by suicide, it has a life long impact. Should I therefore take him too?… No, No,NO, a million times NO, but I’m still fearful.
I know this is disordered irrational thinking. I know these thoughts are wrong. But I also know that I’m not always capable of rationally challenging the emotional side of my brain.
Child services will be in touch soon. What have I done???