I’ve just had a shower. It’s a bad sign for sure when you start to pick up on your own “odour” I hadn’t washed in days and no one thought to prompt me.
Today, after an entire day lying and sobbing in bed, I figured “go one loopy, try a shower; it might help”. Although my mood is much the same, there is something pleasantly therapeutic about flushing days of grime down the plughole.
Today both my body and my mind failed me. Each time I tried to rise, they literally crumbled under the sheer weight of life, or at least my perception off it, and all its mysery. I felt a sadness today, that almost drove me to dangerous actions. I felt a level of hoplesness, and indeed still do, that I believe will be my undoing. I want to die. I want to end all these turbulent thoughts once and for all, but I want to do it in such a way, that won’t hurt anyone….
Impossible right? I’m stuck.
I have come to a decision though. If my job offer (a massive part of my identity and sense of “self”) is indeed resinded, I shall kill myself and I shall do it right. .
It will hurt both OH and little man, but ultimately me not being around, would be much better for both of them.