Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

2. Returning to conciousness

Zopiclones are a marvellous drug  for those who cannot sleep, and even better so for those who wish to sleep forever.  That’s what i took, 3 or 4 packs and bam instant wooziness!! I don’t know why i panicked or why I phoned 999, but I did and here I am waking up slowly trying to figure out where I am and what happened. it turns out I’m on an acute medical ward in the local hospital.  I’m drowsy but alive.  I’m surrounded by new faces, nurses, healthcare assistants and other patients on the ward.  I’m confused.

The events of my first days consious are quite hazy still but what i do remember is the absolutely outstanding nursing staff and HCA’s that took the time to talk to me, check on me and some of whom provided me with glimpses of hope.  The NHS is massively overstretched, the staff were run ragged but every now and again one would come over to me and ask: How are you doing, Do you need anything? Some even held my hand or cacooned me whilst i wept into their chest. I was incredilby lonely and scared, but not alone and the importance of those moments to me, and the kindness of those strangers in my life will stay with me forever.

The first few days on the ward were a complete whilwind of emotions, meeting physicians and mental health professionals and being repeatidly asked; Do you know why you are here? it would seem many patients do not, but yes I was very aware.  i knew excatly what i did and now I was starting to regret phoning the ambulance.

For 2 nights straight i didn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep.  Honeslty not even for a moment.  i was in shock I think. I think even the nurses were in awe of my zombie like state, just staring at the ceiling tiles as the hours past from darkness to dawn.   They also wouldn’t give me anything, unsurprisinlgy i guess to give my liver some respite. I never told them this but I was hallucinating big time, the ceiling tiles danced with glittering blues and greens and violets!  For two whole days my view of the world was remarkably colourful and fluid.  By the 3rd night i was allowed some diazepam to take the edge off and it worked.

After some sleep it would be time to start piecing togethar what happeneded and what would be happening next.

Stick with me.  i cant spill this all in one go, it’s tiring.

Be kind to yourself today.

Loopy x.

photo of white purple and blue smoke

 

1. Italy or A&E?

I’m not much of a blogger.  I’m a thinker……..An overthinker!!!! My thoughts consume me daily, so it’s time to set them free.

Let’s start at the beginning.  It’s an absolutely stunning day in Italy.  A perfect day for a family wedding.  You could even say that happiness and love fill the air.  Not my air though, i chose not to go.  I’ve got reasons why I chose to stay in Liverpool alone which i may get to in future blogs but for now, all you need to know is that it’s Friday August 3rd 2018, 20.53 pm (according to my phone history anyway, I don’t remember much) and I’m dialing 999.

Call hander; “Is the patient breathing?

Me: Yes, but I’ve taken an overdose!

it’s all abit hazy from then on, but my phone records indicate that they had to call me back 4 times.  The signal in our house is terrible so I’m not surprised.  Oour conversation ended at 21.12 pm, the moment the paramedics arrived on scene.  I vaguely remeber being ushered into and ambulance, my next door neighbour standing outside wathcing and then nothing…………………………………………………….

But I’m still here.  Ready to slowly share my story, so bear with me.  It may take a little time.

You are awesome

Loopy x.

woman standing on mountain during dayttime
Photo by Enrico Perini on Pexels.com