418. The black dog.

He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.

I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.

Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.

Just go to bed!!

Loopy x

415. A better place.

I don’t precisely know why, but I’m feeling better. I think my combo of meds is working.  I think the good weather is uplifting and I think I’m gaining confidence with little man. 
I need now to wean off my zopiclone and diazepam but I’ve been doing it slowly since coming home from hospital.  I’ve not self harmed in ages, and I’ve not been purging anywhere near as much as usual.

I’m just in a better place, and it feels good.  I hope I can sustain this and have more good days  

Now if I could only sort out my sleep. The meds combo is working during the day, but oh my word I’m having night terrors! and incredibly scratchy painful dry eyes.

One day at a time Loopy.  You’ll read this saying alot as it is my new mantra.

Loopy x

412. It’s caught me off guard.

I’ve chomped my nails, down to the stumps, I’ve binged and purged.  I’ve burned and tonight for the first time since discharge, I want to knock myself out with zopiclone and diazepam, both of which I have in my possession (not loads)

I can’t explain it but a huge wave of sadness, hopelessness, self doubts and self destructive urges have hit me hard this evening…

And so the cycle begins again……………

Loopy x 

402. What am I doing??

I awoke today at 19.15 all confused and disiorientated.  I quizzed roommates on the days activities, to learn that I had lunch and dinner and was up and about.

I have no memory of any off it.  Feeling out of control, feeling detached in some way, I ligatured.

I needed too, but I.cant explain it.

I’m not recovering, I’m regressinng. 
And all the staff here hate me……. I annoy them.

I need out
Loopy x

399. It’s all go!!

I’m on a psych ward, eyeing up ligature points, and trying to find a gap to do it.

OH has done his back in.
Sis in law is away into labour…. and did someone mention a wee virus floating about.

I’m so fucking selfish. I want to hang. I want to pass out and not wake up.
There are two many things to solve and I’m making no progress here.

Although they do keep me rather sedated.  Yup give the addict yet more pills!!! That will help, NOT!

Loopy x

394. A hanging..

I tried, but i fell short.  This evening I locked my bathroom door, tied pj bottoms around the shower curtain rail, and threw some knots around my neck.  I’d almost got it perfect. 
But then the cavalry arrived. 
I though I’d have more time. Checks here are scarse at best. Now my clothes have been removed and cupboards cleared.  I’ll try again, I’m sure of it.


I’ve come to the very sad realisation that it’s not OH and little man who’d be better off without me.  It’s me, it’s me, it’s me who needs to go. I can’t continue any longer pretending to be smashing life when in fact it’s crushing me….

That little voice in my head, “run fatty run, puke fatty puke,  burn ugly burn, your a failure, your a waste of space, you difficult and selfish and horrid.  Die damn it, do us all a favour and die!!!

Loopy x

391. Night time feasts.

Last night after meds, I shovelled choclate and crisps into my gob. Previous meals, dinner and a supper scone had been purged, but damn it, I couldn’t throw up after meds as I wouldn’t sleep.

I feel utterly disgusted with myself and I’m desperate to burn.

I keep doing this; the nightime feasts. I wake up with wrappers on my bedside table, some of which I remember and some that I don’t.

Disgusting!!

Loopy x