492. Tracking thoughts

I’m back in therapy and have been asked to keep a record of my thoughts etc, so this will be a growing post.

29th of July- Terrible nightmare. I woke in shock, flustered and a little frantic. In my dream Murphy died (my little pup). For some really bizarre reason we decided to throw his dead corpse on our fire. Just as the flames began to rise, Murphy woke up and stood staring at me in agony as the flames engulfed him. If you’ve ever seen one of those ISIS burning videos, it was very akin to those. If you’ve never seen one, please don’t look them up. Murphy moved around and eventually dropped, me watching terrified and guilt stricken, and devastated…….then I woke up.

30th of July- Depressed, heart broken and stressed. I feel like crap anyway these days. Pregnancy is really tough this time. I had an iron infusion last Monday, but no benefit as of yet. I’m tired, everything aches and I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m also sadly dreading the arrival of littlest man. I’m currently at home and today I cried as I watched little man being overwhelmed by all the kids that were running about. I cried as he hid away trying to escape them and I cried again when I overheard them mocking him. He can cope to some extent with one child, possibly two if he knows them well, but today’s 7 completely stressed him out. This evening it was then just him and O. They had great fun until O ran off to join the others. Little man stood and watched him leave, then begged for his shoes so that he could follow, then trundled home again sadly, forgotten by the group and left behind as they all carried on their fun. I can’t bear to see him so lost and sad. I don’t know how to help him integrate, I don’t know what to do, I feel so useless. I hate being home, his symptoms are always more pronounced here. I can’t wait to get back to our little family home.

Mum by the way caught me weeping. She just can’t ever be supportive or empathetic. ‘Well you should see what poor Sharon has to deal with and then you’d know about worries”

Thanks for that.

2nd of August- Very low, exhausted, worthless and a 2nd iron infusion. At the hospital my resting pulse was 125, and baby’s heart rate was up too, although it settled. The nurse commented; ‘you’re not yourself today’ She’s only met me once before. She was right though, I’m feeling crap today and I spent the whole infusion fighting back tears. I can’t explain my feelings or the cause of them. I’m really really sad. I’m not ready for baby number 2 and already going through the motions is draining me. I have that familiar feeling of; I wish I could run away. I wish it all would stop!

3rd of August- I’m struggling with little man. His mood swings and his temper are really grating on me. It’s partly because I’m so physically unwell, breathless, nauseous and all my joints are failing me. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I’m not sure I want this baby and the guilt of those thoughts is crushing me too. I can’t do it. I’m back at work but I’m not really fit to be there. I’ve no focus, no energy and I’m just hating it. I want to lie in bed all day, partly because I’m physically struggling and partly because I want to shut out the world. I threw up earlier due to nausea, but it felt good so I purged a bit more. I’ve been really craving self harm, and tonight I’ve finally succumbed to that urge. Right now it feels great but I’m sure I’ll regret this tomorrow. Little man is being really clingy again and I’m worried about his upcoming ASD assessment. I’m also worried that little bump might have albinism. You think I’d be o.k with that given I’ve experience in that area, but nope it would come as a terrible blow. Selfish huh?

5th of August- I don’t know who to ring! OH is working and I’m in agony. Excruciating ankle foot and leg pain! No swelling or redness so unlikely DVT. No cramps either, it feels more like a fracture but it’s not. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!! I I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE! I want pills, I want help, I want to talk to someone! I don’t know who to call??? ……….. Update- I have listened to hypnobirthing rainbows relaxation. It is hard to relax, I’m too sore BUT I’ve stopped crying and gotten my breathing under control. A bit calmer now.

7th of August. Why do I answer the phone? Sis just rang on yet another rant about our darling family. Went on and on about the usual put downs, mum drinking etc etc. I try to compartmentalise Mums comments these days into a box in my head called; ‘let it go, you know what she’s like, her opinions don’t matter”. —-still working on the title:)…. Anyway apparently her and sis were talking about a brutal murder in Dublin where a fella killed his ex girlfriend and how common these types of things seem to be these days. Mum off course has her opinion; “it’s the youth of today, ruined, spoiled, demanding everything and never being told no!, can handle nothing! and when they don’t get their own way they just can’t cope! Ruined!…. That’s not the bit that got to me though, it’s how she ended her little rant..”AND ITS THE SAME AS ALL THOSE ONES COMMITTING SUICIDE”………………..I’m angry, really blood boiling angry. Considering a revenge suicide, where I send letters and videos to all media declaring I’ve committed suicide, so that she can’t possibly hide the truth. Oh how it would embarrass her!! Off course I know this is just anger talking and since we don’t do healthy dialogue in my family I need to park this and move on….but as someone who has felt that low on numerous occasions, as someone who has been hurt by those times that mum is so ashamed of my illness, I just can’t ignore this. I can’t stop my blood boiling….

491. Teary eyed

When you get out of hospital, there’s a bit of an adrenaline rush I think. I was doing all the right things, washing, bathing, dressing, eating, caring for and playing with Little man, contributing to the house, giving OH some much needed breaks and returning to work.

Professionals would comment on how far I’ve come, how well I’m doing etc. People would ask how I feel: “I’m great”. Over the weeks my reply wouldn’t change but in reality I was good, then o.k, then less than o.k, exhausted, burnt out, depressed, miserable…………..suicidal.

The world feels overwhelming again, my anxiety is rising, my self worth plummeting. I’m drowning here.

Start talking Loopy, you need to talk.

Loopy

486. A night off meds.

I’m home, I’m coping (outwardly anyway) and my little man has completely showered me with hugs and kisses and spontaneous outburst of; “my love you mammy”. Little man has been frigging wonderful, a true tonic for my sadness and doubts. His bond is real, and strong and full of love. I must be doing something right after all…

Baba though, oh you little bugger!! I have to say the growing bump, the regular scans and the family excitement is finally bringing me a little joy. Some hope, some excitement and dare I say it, some confidence.

The sickness though, jeez will it ever go away.? O.k it has lessened but last night I projectile vomited just before bed. Unfortunately that included my nighttime meds. Wow what a massive impact that had! I couldn’t sleep and when I did dose I’d immediately wake up with terrors. Very random, very scary dreams. Even OH confirmed I’d been swearing. As for my mood, it plummeted, and has stayed very low all day. I’ve been in bed, I’ve been crying and for the first time since leaving hospital, I’ve felt suicidal.

How scary is that? How can one missed dose of nighttime meds have such a devastating impact or was it just coincidence? Whatever, I’m glad this day is done.

To end on a positive note, I had a frigging excellent psychologist in hospital and his work has stuck with me, more than any other. I can hear him (not I) challenging my negative thoughts or at least prompting me to. To be honest I kinda wish I had recorded him :), but anyway….

Loopy be proud, you got up today, dressed and fed little man, showered him with love and walked him to school. You really really wanted to self harm, but you fought it and resisted, and finally you rang a friend to check how she keeping (even though she didn’t answer), and you know you’ll ring again.

Little steps Loopy, little steps…..

Loopy x

485. Gut wrenching.

I have low self esteem. I often see the very very worst in myself. I didn’t know that as part of my discharge/care plan that OH had agreed that I would have no unsupervised contact with little man.

OH didn’t actually tell me, but I’ve had several follow up calls from various professionals who kindly dropped this little bombshell on me. I don’t think OH was ever going to tell me.

When you feel like the crappest mum in the entire world, and then you’re told; ‘we don’t want you to be alone with your son” , it’s quite frankly devastating, heartbreaking and a real kick in the gut.

I would never ever ever put my little man in harms way. I’ll jump through whatever hoops I need to, to get my life back on track, but sorry social services, this is just cruel!!

Where was all this “help’ and ‘support’ this past 12 months when I’ve been literally crying out for it?

Loopy x

484. Being discharged

Well folks, that’s another hospital admission over. I’ve been in here for 6 weeks. It’s time to go home.

I’m filled with the usual terror and uncertainty that’s always accompanied these situations. How will I cope? Can I ever properly change things? How do I move forward in a positive way?

My intense crisis has passed though and some hope has returned which itself will sustain me for a while. Come on Loopy, you’ve got this!!

There’s a baby on the way. It’s hard to see it now, but this IS a good thing.

Loopy x

483. Shutters up

I’m still in hospital, I’m still quite low, I’m still a bit of a mess.

They asked me this week, “do you write things down?”. I guess I’ve stopped lately and I’m not sure why. I think I was maybe scared of being boring.

I feel sad, I feel alone, blah blah blah. I think I’m getting sick of even listening to myself. I’m very pathetic.

At this time, I want to run away. I don’t want to see, or talk to, or be around anyone, and I mean ANYONE.

I’m ignoring family calls, cutting conversations with little man short, ending text conversations abruptly and delaying booking visits for OH.

I’m ignoring bump. Trying to pretend it’s not happening,. Trying to block it out.

I want to be alone. I don’t want to have reasons to fight anymore, but I do. Its really hard because I want to die alone……

I’ve put the shutters up, I don’t ever want to take them down.

Loopy x

478. Can’t keep myself safe

I’m really struggling. It’s been a tear filled Saturday and all I can think about, is just ending it all.

I can’t think straight, I can’t cope, i don’t know what to do.

What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

I need time off work I think. I need a break. I need help.

My head is frantic, the suicidal thoughts won’t shut up. Please shut up!

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!

Loopy x

477. Breathe…..

The pressure starts in the crinkle on my nose between my eyes. It builds and moves to my head and my ears and I begin to hear pounding, louder and louder and LOUDER. Sometimes my ears feel hot, but not always. Finally it spreads to my lips and I can almost feel them swell. I can still breathe but it’s laboured…..and then I release………

It’s actually a little painful when I do, but then comes the rush of relief…mild euphoria.

I don’t know why I’m doing it, I don’t know what I get from it, and I don’t know why I want to do it again, but I do….

I don’t tie it, so even if I were to pass out, my hands would drop and it would fall away. It’s escalating though. I’ve done this in hospital, and rarely but occasionally at home. Today it’s all I can think about.

It always starts in the crinkle of my nose……….

Loopy x

473. I’m absent anyway.

My boys love me, but they don’t need me. The heartiest of laughs is usually heard when I’m not in the room, but listening from afar. OH does the dressing, feeding, bathing etc 90% of the time anyway. I don’t contribute fairly. I’m useless.

It’s funny how a few fleeting thoughts can become an obsession. What drugs do I have? How much do I need? When should I take them? It plays over and over and over relentlessly.

My head is a frigging wreck.

Loopy x

463. Live again.

My site was down and I had no idea. I was wondering why I’d been having no views. Was just about to quit writing, but it’s now sorted.

I don’t really blog for others, it’s a personal mental space for me to express my thoughts safely and anonymously. But not having readers, felt disappointing. I don’t know why. I guess you lot are my sounding board and it only works if I feel I’m being heard. It doesn’t matter who, just someone.

So now fixed, I shall continue.

Biggest thought today, is that I need to increase my Saxenda dose. I’ve started walking, but it’s not enough. I’m fat and need to fix it.

I’m also in a constant state of really wanting to end my life. But I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I’m out walking, I think go on Loopy, jump in front off a car. At least that might look like an accident. When I get home again, I think off the driver, the potential impact that could have, but if my family thought I died from an accident, would it be any easier on them?

Jumping in front off cars is no easy feat, I bottle it every time. Drug overdoses are easier, but not guaranteed. Hanging is really affective, but again I bottle it. Does that mean I don’t want to die? What the hell does all this mean?

I’m tired now, i’m always tired.

Loopy x