353. A little house.

We’ve been living with my in laws since July. They are lovely people, but, we and they need some space. Yesterday we viewed a little house I’d seen, and we both loved it We get the keys this week.

I’m delighted, but I’m also apprehensive. Living with family has kept me safe. There were times I wanted to binge on pills, tie ligatures,vomit or self harm badly, but having people here, has hindered my freedom.

I’m looking forward to having space, partly because I’m looking forward to being able to indulge in those behaviours. There will be no more rushed burns before bedtime, no more apprehension about being ill, or dopey in front of others, no more silent puking. No more restrictions!!

I know this sounds messed up. But it’s how I feel.

Loopy x

352. Cut the mustard.

This is it Loopy. You have to perform, you have to impress, YOU HAVE TO SMASH IT!!

We have a school review and various curriculum reviews coming up at work. I used to know people in charge of making these things a success. Now as Senior Lecturer, I am that person.

I need to prepare paperwork, I need to know our courses inside out, and when put before the interrogation panels, in a few weeks, I need to impress!

My head is screaming run away!! My head is screaming; ‘you will fail!!”

I’m not good enough. I’m stressed and scared. My prospects, my career and passing my probation depend on this.

I want to burn. I want to down some zopiclone, and I want to hide.

Come in Loopy, you CAN do this!!!

Loopy x

350. Phenergen

You can have phenergen. I don’t want phenergen, I NEED zopiclone.

Regulations around the dispensing of z drugs and hypotics, have clearly tigtened up. i may have had a hand in this, previously having written to the GPhC and ministers.

Sites that allowed frequent orders and large quantitoes with few questiins asked, are now siddenly out of stock, under review, or worse; offering me phenergen imstead.

My logical brain is sayong this is a good thing, but my desperate addicted braon is panicking. I’m screwed!!!

My GP provides me with 3.75 mg daily, which I top up to around 12 or 15mg. I cannot sleep without it. I cannot cope without it. I cannot live without it.

Last night suicide beckoned. It sold me it’s delights. What should I do?

I’m desperate to talk to L or C, but I can’t.

Stop it loopy, you love your little boy. He needs you.

Loopy x

349. Under my desk.

I was unbelieveably tired this morning. I got up at my usual, 5.45am, got ready, and caught my. bus.

I snoozed on the commute as I usually do. It’s not proper sleep, it’s more like drifting in and out of consciousness aftet a few too many boozy beverages.

At my destination, I was still drained, but somehow managed to carry my heavily weighted limbs for the 25 min walk to my office. Once I arrived though, I was done. Physically and emotionally exhausted. I could barely stand, barely hold my head straight, so I did something quite odd.

I locked my door, climbed under my desk, lay on the floor and snoozed. Around 45 minutes later I awoke to the sound of colleagues chatting down the corridor. I was now just slightly more awake, and able to face the day.

I’ve never done that before, but in sheer desperation I just had to lie down.

I’m struggling folks, but no one’s noticing.

Loopy x

348. How do I stop?

I need help. My daily zopiclone usage is back to 15mg and rising. I’m craving the knock out effect. I’m craving the mind fog and slowed thoughts. When I’m alert at night, my mind races. It attacks me. It tells me I’m ugly, and stupid and useless. It tells me I’ll fail.

So I pop a zopiclone, which then rises to 2, and to 3, and to 4. I’ve been here before. How do I stop??

Added to this, is my daily ritual of throwing up my dinner. If it weren’t for the smell, I’d also do lunch, but I can’t easily purge at work. I hate my gut and yet the pounds keep creeping on. The scales register heavier and heavier. So I puke, but it has no effect.

How do I stop?

I wish someone would help me.

Loopy x

346. A disappointing Halloween.

I’d bought a costume. I had good intentions, but then OH was working, and I get home quite late. I don’t drive, and grandparents never thought to offer.

Little man didn’t get to be a pirate. He didn’t get to binge on goodies, see fireworks or help daddy carve a pumpkin.

I feel really bad. I feel disappointed for him, and for myself.

Maybe next year. I must do better.

Loopy x

344 A week of ups and downs.

I work at a fairly prestigious uni, and as course co-ordinator I must be able to sell! That is, sell the subject to prospective students and win over anxious parents. On Wednesday night at a road show I oozed friendlyness and bravado. I beckoned guests to our stand, and honestly wooed them. Its like i step out of myself and become someone else. A confident assured person who can chat to anyone, except it’s all front, hiding the terror within me.

But tonight I’ve had 11mg of zopiclone, I’ve thrown up as much of my dinner as I could, and I’m craving self harm.

I had a bad start today, jumping on the wrong bus and thus turning a 2 hour commute into a 4 hour one. When I finally arrived at work, I couldn’t get into my office. Yep I’d left my keys at home. Thankfully the boss had a master key.

Tonight im quite tired but my head is beginning to self destruct. Shut up thoughts, please shut up.

Loopy x