I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want the therapy. I don’t want to talk about my insecurities. I don’t want to expose myself anymore. I want to quit counselling.
She’s lovely, but I want to run. I want to hide and I want to stay silent. I can’t do it JUST LEAVE ME ALONE
I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. I’m too pathetic. Can we just stop. I need to stop!!
It feels too raw, too uncomfortable, too hard.
I’ve never really felt like this in therapy before. Is it just too much now, whilst being a new mum. Am I already spinning too many plates or am I just scared? Scared of failure at it, scared of being silently judged, scared off saying too much……or too little.
And lunchtime, and dinner time and evening sickness.
It’s a good sign for my little bump, but oh god I feel horrid and I know there’s worse to come.
I don’t want to feel sick anymore, except I kind off also do. It means hormone levels are rising, it’s a good thing Loopy!
My cousin who is just a little younger than me had a miscarriage this week. I know how that feels, and I know she’s devastated.
Don’t complain about the nausea Loopy, be thankful
In other news our family social worker has left her post and didn’t even bother telling us. I think that’s pretty shitty to be honest. She has moved on to greater things, I’ve been told. Some people are truly excellent in these types of roles (I know I’ve met some outstanding individuals over the years) but others really should piss off and do something else.
Guinea pigs!!! Betty’s a boy, oh and a bad boy he is too!
We’ve gone from owning 3 guinea pigs to 9!! Thelma and Louise are doing well though, happy mums.
There must be something in the air. Myself and OH have had some relationship difficulties over the years, difficulties that have knocked both his and my self confidence. I even purchased little blue pills to see if that would help. We’ve never tried them.
This last few weeks though, oh boy!!! Think Greys Anatomy on call rooms, think Bridgerton, think back to the very very beginning off a relationship when you simply can’t keep your hands off each other.
It’s doing wonders for my self esteem!! He’s cut out evening junk food, favouring a coffee instead but apart from that, who knows. We’re not sure what exactly has changed, but we’ve definitely reconnected.
My site was down and I had no idea. I was wondering why I’d been having no views. Was just about to quit writing, but it’s now sorted.
I don’t really blog for others, it’s a personal mental space for me to express my thoughts safely and anonymously. But not having readers, felt disappointing. I don’t know why. I guess you lot are my sounding board and it only works if I feel I’m being heard. It doesn’t matter who, just someone.
So now fixed, I shall continue.
Biggest thought today, is that I need to increase my Saxenda dose. I’ve started walking, but it’s not enough. I’m fat and need to fix it.
I’m also in a constant state of really wanting to end my life. But I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I’m out walking, I think go on Loopy, jump in front off a car. At least that might look like an accident. When I get home again, I think off the driver, the potential impact that could have, but if my family thought I died from an accident, would it be any easier on them?
Jumping in front off cars is no easy feat, I bottle it every time. Drug overdoses are easier, but not guaranteed. Hanging is really affective, but again I bottle it. Does that mean I don’t want to die? What the hell does all this mean?
1. Lose weight. I’m going to do it as soon as I can. I’ve bought more Orlistat, I’m desperately trying to get my hands on saxenda, and today I went back on my bike. I feel grotesque, a beached whale, a fat ugly rolley polley.
My first attempt at getting Saxenda failed. Stupid Loopy, you’re fake BMI was too low. Rookie error. My 2nd attempt- well I’m still waiting on the outcome. Fingers crossed. It’s funny, when I was doing my PhD I used to joke that we should all be taking GLP-1 agonists, which is what Saxenda is. They make you feel fuller, delay gastric emptying and have been shown to aid weight loss. Typically used to treat diabetes but now also approved for weight loss in morbidly obese individuals.
Next resolution. Self harm more. Yup I know how ridiculous that sounds. I should be trying the opposite, but /I’m stressed and it calms me. I have this mad craving to use a clothes iron. I’ve been fighting the urge for weeks now, sticking with the straighteners, but I don’t think I’ll be able to relax if I don’t try it. I can’t make sense of these urges at the minute, but they’re showing no signs of easing.
Next one- no hospital admissions in 2021. This past few years I’ve been in and out of psychiatric wards, and to be honest, at the moment I wish I was back in. That’s usually a sign that 1. I don’t actually need to be in, and 2. A sign that my stress and feelings of being overwhelmed are growing. But stay out this year Loopy. You need to stay out.
Last one for now- try to talk more with your key worker. Seek out more counselling and oh this is a big one- share your food struggles with OH.
I scoffed, I puked and I wept. Scoffed some more, puked some more and wept some more.
Tonight my arm is scorched white. I want to use an iron, a clothes iron, but I’ve resisted. Hair straighteners brought that wonderful sense of calm. The pain is so intense, that the calm feels all that sweeter.
I’m disgusting, I’m ugly and I stink. Literally stink. Bathing has felt all too much lately.
I want to buy Liraglutide. The Orlistat simply isn’t cutting the mustard.
I blog during the intervals. But first I ran down stairs for some comfort food. I need it!!
The drawing above is an iceberg we were asked to sketch down. They’re a big fan of journaling. Below the surface are my instant thoughts about what might have led to my disordered eating. Note I’m a comfort eater.
It’s a bit scrawled so I’ll type them here.
1. I feel ugly.
2. Someone died because off me.
3. Mum wanted “normal” children.
4 . Thin is good, fat is bad.
5. I’m a terrible mum.
6. Fat albinos look worse than thin ones.
7. When I purge more, I burn less (oh that ones caught me off guard!, dunno where that came from.)
8. Thinner feels better.
I’m exhausted, it feels very raw and it’s bedtime now. Oh I’d love some zopiclone!! Or a burn, or a purge or all of these things. I think I have a sneaky box off Z’s somewhere.
On a final note, and this might offend some, which is not my intent, but they’ve been pushing “faith’ again this week. It spurts from their mouths sporadically, and everyone except me seems to be receptive to it. It’s making me feel like the “black sheep”
We were asked to think off someone we’d love to meet or go on a walk with. My head was screaming; the founder of the theory of evolution. But his name escaped me. Off course; Charles Darwin!! You know this Loopy, but it’s probably best that you forgot. I said nothing…….