436. Football!!!

And not that oul soccer shite. Proper football!! Gaelic football!!! ;0 (Ok I do like soccer too)

I made an effort. I found a club and made enquiries. Tonight despite all my anxiety and fear, I forced myself to go!!!  The original “Beautiful Game”

I’m glad I did. Ok I was probably the most geriatric there! (@34) I lacked kicking accuracy and down right sprinting pace but fuck it, I gave it guts and had some fun.

The next training session is Friday, and I’ll be there!

Good job Loopy!!

Loopy x

Loopy x

431. Loopy’s Lodge

It’s taking shape. I’ve never in my life built anything from wood, so despite the somewhat wonky roof, I’m rather proud of this. I’ve been at it all day today. It’s kept me focused on something, and is proving to be a great distraction.

I need all the distractions I can get. I had my psychology assessment this week. They rang me back quickly after, saying that I needed 1 to 1 therapy. Here’s the kicker though… the waiting list is apparently 9 months from now.

I’ve been home a year. All my notes and treatment reccomdations came with me. Yet I wasn’t actually referred until about 4 weeks ago. I’m seriously considering launching an official complaint. No wonder suicide is so devastatingly common here……………………

Just keep building loopy!

Loopy x

430. A busy week

This week my niece (9) and nephew (5) are up staying with us. What have I let myself in for!! In truth, they are very good kids, well mannered and great with little man. But the noise, oh my god the noise!!! They are most definitely the loudest kids in Ireland!!!

Noise is something myself, OH and little man struggle with. Especially little man, who often holds his hands over his ears. I’m still concerned about him, to be honest. He’s very very sensitive to noise and I swear he has OCD. Can a child off 3, have OCD?

In other news, I’ve been building… Base frame and 1 wall frame done, with other timbers cut ready for assembly. I’m actually really enjoying this carpentry malarkey. Who knows, I may quit academia and live the quiet life, building crap out off wood, and selling it at a loss (proper stuff is quite expensive)

Finally, I have my psychology assessment tomorrow. I’ve no idea where to start or what my priorities are. I’m hoping it’s quite a structured chat. I’m nervous. What if they say; ‘you’re not suitable?”

I’m terrified off lockdown easing, I’m scared little man is damaged, I’m self harming, using diazepam in excess at night, abusing Orlistat and generally, I’m just messed up.

Where should we start………

Loopy x

428. A 100 Km…480 to go….

I’ve just passed the 100km mark [104.64 km to be exact] on the cycle challenge, I set at work. It’s me vs Dr. E. She’s as competitive as I am, which is great. It’s keeping me motivated.

I’m proud of myself, and I’ll keep going. 480km to go!!!

Loopy x

427. Psychology!!!!!!!!

I’m in shock. I thought it would never come but almost a year now, living back home and finally, I’ve received a psychology assessment appointment. July 8th over the phone.

Is it weird that I was almost excited, reading the letter.

Let’s hope this is the start of something that will ultimately be positive. I do worry a little that I’ll feel worse first.

Loopy x

426. Social anxiety.

So the shops are now open and people are going friggin crazy, piling up clothes and underwear and homeware and all manner of crap. It’s insane.

I wandered out today for the first time in ages. Apart from my weekly jaunt to the pharmacy to collect my cocktail of meds, I’ve stayed pretty much hidden away from the world. Today has reaffirmed that I wish to stay hidden away forever.

As I walked up the street, entered shops and stood in queues, I could feel a 1000 eyes on me. Real or imagined, it doesn’t matter, the feeling is the same. I felt strange, uneasy and anxious. I wanted to run home, literally run, but I resisted.

Once in the door I reached for my diazepam and a huge tub off ice cream.

I’m eating Orlistat like smarties these days, and especially on days like this………….even though I cycled 21km this morning.

I need therapy, I need help, and I’ve no idea how to get it? I want to talk to someone. I’m bottling up all my insecurities, worries and stress again. My new key worker/CPN is possibly very nice, but I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I don’t know her, or trust her yet. The very first time we spoke, she said she’d check in again in a month, so roughly 2 more weeks to go. How is that helpful?

Come on loopy, your not a child. It’s not up to others to check on you, probe you, or read between the lines. Take control for gods sake!!!!!!!! you useless whimp!!

I feel an explosion coming

Loopy x

425. Malin head to Mizen head.

I’ve not had the motivation to cycle lately.  I’ve been lazy, lethargic and just blah  

Work wise we are operating through MS teams and I know some of my colleagues like to cycle so I’ve set us a challenge. 

How fast can we as a group cover the length of beautiful ireland.  I’d kind off forgotten we’re all in academia, which means that we’re quite a competitive bunch. 

The race is on to do the 581 km, not just as a group, but Individually!!!

Hell yeah, I’m competitive!! It’s just what I needed to get me pedalling again.  16km down, only 565 to go!!

Loopy x

424. A happy childhood memory.

I don’t really remember much from my childhood, and the memories I do have are always negative.

Left alone at a young age with my sister. Lists of chores that had to be completed or else!!! Cooking, cleaning, lighting fires, and sibling rows that would rival Ali’s rumble in the jungle.. We were alone, and I was beat up regularly, and shit scared to ever tell.

But I’ve remembered something good. I give myself a hard time, because with my crappy sight, I struggle to read bedtime stories for little man. It’s hard to find good books with insanely large text. So I’ve changed tactic, and have started making up stories, that see him as a big strong robot getting into all kinds off adventures, fighting sharks and dinosaurs, rescuing friends from fires, racing cars and well basically anything that I can bring to mind ad hoc.

By doing this, it suddenly dawned on me, that my sister used to do the same for me. Our parents never read us bed time stories, and my sister’s sight is worse than mine, but frequently she’d make up tales about Lego men and their crazy adventures, and you know what; I’m thankful for that.

As I’ve said, I have very few good childhood memories but this one has made me feel all warm and fuzzy

I’ll continue telling tales for little man.

Loopy x

423. Why do I do it to myself.

I’ve been struggling. In truth I’m stressed with work,and when I’m stressed, I quickly lose my ability to cope.

OH is working a long day, so it’s just been me and little man. I found it hard to cope. I shoved my eyepad before his eye as much as I could. I avoided him, I grew frustrated with him, and in turn he grew whiney, and clingy.

Its not his fault, it’s mine. So this evening I’ve given in to temptation, I’ve done what I needed to do, to get me through today.

It hurts now. Why do I do this to myself.

Loopy x

422. Damn it Loopy!!

Last night, for the first time in about 2 years, I slept without any zopiclone.  It was a huge achievement, one that I wanted to continue tonight…. but no, I’m a dumbass and I’ve taken 7.5mg.  In truth I want 15!

It was OH’s birthday today and his folks held a little party, cocktail sausages and all 

It’s been the most social interaction we’ve had, and I felt very uncomfortable.  This evening I feel tense and stressed and annoyed at myself for feeling uncomfortable.  We also ate alot of junk and I’m feeling fat, fat FAT!!!

I don’t want lockdown to end, but it will, and I’ll have to face people again, and busy places, and gauping eyes and aaaaggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!

I want to hide away forever…. 😦

Loopy x