Category: bullimia

503. I want to quit.

I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want the therapy. I don’t want to talk about my insecurities. I don’t want to expose myself anymore. I want to quit counselling.

She’s lovely, but I want to run. I want to hide and I want to stay silent. I can’t do it JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. I’m too pathetic. Can we just stop. I need to stop!!

It feels too raw, too uncomfortable, too hard.

I’ve never really felt like this in therapy before. Is it just too much now, whilst being a new mum. Am I already spinning too many plates or am I just scared? Scared of failure at it, scared of being silently judged, scared off saying too much……or too little.

Loopy x

502. 500,000 steps.

I’m desperate to lose weight. I needed a challenge to motivate me. Black and white thinking is a bitch.

Go hard or go home! I signed up Great Ormund Street hospitals 500,000 steps in November to raise some money for the great work they do.

I’ve just had a baby! Everything is stretched and sore but yeah OK loopy walk 10k a day, that’s no bother!!! Need to hit at least 16,666 every day.

Day 3 and my numbers are good. I’m already becoming a bit obsessed with it. I really need to lose weight.

Now that baby’s out, I’m throwing up again. Not lots, but enough I hope.

Loopy x

464. A bit of a scare.

I spent all day yesterday throwing my guts up. I’m telling people it was a bug. I don’t believe that to be true. I upped my Saxenda dose prematurely and I think that’s the culprit.

It was awful, like the worst hangover I’ve ever had. Vomiting, sweating, chills, dehydration, headache: the works!

It has scare me a little. Maybe I need a new approach or maybe I just need to go slower with the dosing.

Starting to feel a little better, I’ve turned to lucozade, and KFC. I always crave KFC when I feel like crap. There goes my diet!

Loopy x

462. Saxenda- woohoo

I’ve just had email confirmation that my prescription was approved and I’ll receive my first Saxenda pen tomorrow.

Hopefully I can manage to inject myself. Hopefully the side effects are tolerable.

Hopefully I’ll lose some weight.

You need to get active too Loopy!

Loopy x

459. My throat is raw.

I scoffed, I puked and I wept. Scoffed some more, puked some more and wept some more.

Tonight my arm is scorched white. I want to use an iron, a clothes iron, but I’ve resisted. Hair straighteners brought that wonderful sense of calm. The pain is so intense, that the calm feels all that sweeter.

I’m disgusting, I’m ugly and I stink. Literally stink. Bathing has felt all too much lately.

I want to buy Liraglutide. The Orlistat simply isn’t cutting the mustard.

Oh well.

Loopy x

457. Tastelife session 4

I blog during the intervals. But first I ran down stairs for some comfort food. I need it!!

The drawing above is an iceberg we were asked to sketch down. They’re a big fan of journaling. Below the surface are my instant thoughts about what might have led to my disordered eating. Note I’m a comfort eater.

It’s a bit scrawled so I’ll type them here.

1. I feel ugly.

2. Someone died because off me.

3. Mum wanted “normal” children.

4 . Thin is good, fat is bad.

5. I’m a terrible mum.

6. Fat albinos look worse than thin ones.

7. When I purge more, I burn less (oh that ones caught me off guard!, dunno where that came from.)

8. Thinner feels better.

I’m exhausted, it feels very raw and it’s bedtime now. Oh I’d love some zopiclone!! Or a burn, or a purge or all of these things. I think I have a sneaky box off Z’s somewhere.

On a final note, and this might offend some, which is not my intent, but they’ve been pushing “faith’ again this week. It spurts from their mouths sporadically, and everyone except me seems to be receptive to it. It’s making me feel like the “black sheep”

We were asked to think off someone we’d love to meet or go on a walk with. My head was screaming; the founder of the theory of evolution. But his name escaped me. Off course; Charles Darwin!! You know this Loopy, but it’s probably best that you forgot. I said nothing…….

Loopy x 😦

456. Tastelife session 3.

They’ve touched more than a few nerves this evening. I’ve had to turn my camera off. I’ve had a bad day with food, and talk off addictions etc has left me craving zopiclone. I need to burn I think.

They’re a nice bunch of people, but I cannot speak. I cannot contribute. I cannot cope tonight.

What the fuck is wrong with you Loopy?

What I will say though, is that I don’t have an eating disorder. Probably mildly disordered eating.

454. Taste life- Session 1.

Tonight I begin delving into my issues around food. I’m typing this during the break off our first session. It’s group therapy, on zoom. Not really therapy, but more a supportive group type thing.

It’s awkward and stressful and yuck. It didn’t help that they thought I was a fella. Good start there loopy, maybe ditch the cap for next week.

Our first task: decide which twig we are. Seriously! Pick a fucking twig.

I scribbled one down. It’s broken and bare, and fat. Ugly and fat.

Stick with it Loopy. x

453. I have no self control!

I’ve tried recently to temporarily give up tea. The reason being, I’m currently bleaching my teeth. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. But oh my word!! This is actually harder than ditching the zopiclone!!

I love tea….. Cup after cup after cup. I drink it when I’m stressed, when I’m happy, when I’m sad and when I’m cold. I drink it all the friggin time. I took a days break from the tooth bleaching routine, just so I could indulge in a few cups. My teeth ain’t getting any whiter. But if a glamorous smile, means giving up tea, fuck it. I’d rather spend the rest of my days, smiling gums closed, with a big mug of tannin filled steamy goodness in my grasp.

In other news, I ate my body weights worth in Maltesers today. MALTESERS!! The supposedly “lighter way to enjoy chocolate”

Maybe not, when you eat bag after bags worth. I broke out the Orlistat days ago…..

Fat, lazy, brown toothed mess!!!

Loopy x

445. Mortality

I’m going to die young.

Regular self burning , will one day give me skin cancer. The repeated damage and neglectful care, don’t help. With skin cancer though, I guess you have a fighting chance.

Then there’s my drug use, prescribed (although I’m forgetful with it) and the non prescribed. Taking higher doses of zopiclone nightly and now using my built up stash of Valium to manage stress {work mostly] and sometimes to help stay calm with little man

The problem with all these drugs, is they are processed by our livers and our kidneys. The liver may at least fight back a little being our only organ that can regenerate itself. Let’s face it though I’m on a path to cirrhosis and renal failure. The other problem with all these meds, is their longer term effects on the nervous system. Gradual decline in nerve function, memory loss and neurodegeneratiin await.

Did I mention the Orlistat? (now that’s my pancreas gone}, and the purging. It’s sooo harsh on my guts, my oesophagus and throat. Oesophageal and colon damage, and disordered eating won’t help my nutrition state. I just crave carbs!!

To sum up, I’m always tired and am full off aches and pains, and the colour off my pee is concerning. I’m muddling along with all those things but they will kill me……..

I’m comfortable with dying young. That’s the saddest thing off all.

Loopy x

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