509 Plenny to look forward to.

Nope that’s not a typo. I like this brand, and have had success with it before.

New year, new body-the usual blah blah blah. Better starting point this year though, not the same level of weight gain to banish.

I’ve run out of orlistat, and I’ve decided not to re order anymore. I’m also resisting the urge to write negative, self esteem bashing blog posts and should I relent then I must at least include some positivity too. The recovery continues!!

Loopy x

508. Happy New year!

Tonight I stuck it out til the countdown with my little man in tow. He’s not so little anymore now 6. He loved staying up late, and loved the buzz of me and his grandparents doing the countdown, embracing each other with kisses and handshakes all round and watching the London fireworks.

He off course couldn’t figure out what all the fuss was about. “Why do we celebrate a new year mammy?”, “why are we happy it’s a new year?” my frenzied explanations left more curiosity than satisfaction, but his continued quizzing forced me to reply think.

I’m celebrating tonight because I’m still alive, my kids and hubby to be are also still alive. I love them sll and I’m looking forward to spending 23 with them, and making happy memories for them. I’m celebrating because returning to work after mat leave has not tipped me over a mental cliff, like it would have done in the past. I’m celebrating because I’m hopeful for our future, for my continued recovery, and for little mans continued growth in confidence.

As for little little man, I hope he continues to love his daddy as he does now and his eyes continue to brighten with sheer delight as daddy enters the room.

He’ll come round to me eventually:)

Finally I’m hopeful that all of you, find or keep love in 2023, find or keep heath in 23 and maybe even find or keep some wealth.

Ps if any of you happen to be multimillionaires a house deposit donation wouldchange my life 😉

Or if your an influencer get me promoted so I can monetise this bad boy 😉

Loopy x

507. Burn past, burn!!

OK I’ve been a bit dramatic with the title, but the image below is quite significant.  I was digging out birth certs for my two beautiful boys (to.open bank accounts) and I stumbled upon some old letters/psych reports and safety plans.

It was like reading about a total stranger! A character that I no longer recognise, thoughts and actions that are just so bizarre to me now, and a psychology discharge because I was too unstable to undergo it.

I’ve had a lovely Christmas and finding those notes has been the icing on the cake. I can’t believe I was ever that ill, that despairing and that self destructive. I’ve come so far!!!

In the fire they go! . That’s all in the past and whilst important, it’s not something I need to hold on to.

Happy Christmas everybody and I genuinely wish each and everyone of you a great 2023 and a future full of self care, self assurance, and self love!!! You deserve it!!

Loopy x

506. Gambling

I’m very numb. Emotionally yes I’m better, no 6 ft under lows, or cloud 9 highs For someone who supposedly only lives in black and white, all I see now is grey

It’s a weird state of mind. I think it’s my meds still doing their thing, but I need more joy. I thought a new car would gimme a buzz, but we picked it up.on Friday, and I just felt.. …. nothing really.

Problem here is, I think I’m grasping for a buzz, for some sort of instant joy, or just something!!! So I’m pretty compulsively gambling, and shopping. Wasting far too much cash and I can see it getting out of control.

Seriously need to nip.this on the bud.

Loopy x

505. Progress

I’ve not blogged in ages, but I think yesterday deserves a post. I’ve been quietly getting on with life. Quietly working, quietly parenting and quietly slowly recovering.

No more sleeping pills, no more self harm Less and less self loathing.

Yeah I’m still in therapy, but hell yeah I’m the most mentally fit, that I’ve been in years.

So yesterday, after almost 6 years off pretty intensive support, I was finally discharged from the community mental health team.

I’ll be honest, it’s pretty damn scary, but also pretty damn awesome!!!

Loopy x

505. Pink magic

You’re head is banging, frustration mounting, heart beat ramping up, a little rage is brewing……..yup you’re about to blow.

Stop crying, please stop crying!!!

It’s time to call the cavalry! That sweet, viscous, strawberry goodness.. By the time you’ve wiped the excess of his dribbly little chin, he’s out!! Spark out!!

Suddenly you notice his big eyes, his chubby rosey cheeks, his tiny little fists and you fall in love all over again. Until the next meltdown………….

Calpol (liquid paracetomol) is bloomin magic stuff

When will these bloody teeth arrive?

Loopy x

504. Back from hiatus

Hello all, I’m back. I took a bit of a blogging break for a while there. I read somewhere that we’re all basically big gooey organ filled, high thinking batteries and sooooo…..we should drop the things that drain us and keep those thing that charge us back up

My last blog was a while ago. I found myself drained doing them. Almost like sitting in an actual therapy session but without the support. I have started to miss blogging though.

So I’m back!!

Loopy x

503. I want to quit.

I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want the therapy. I don’t want to talk about my insecurities. I don’t want to expose myself anymore. I want to quit counselling.

She’s lovely, but I want to run. I want to hide and I want to stay silent. I can’t do it JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. I’m too pathetic. Can we just stop. I need to stop!!

It feels too raw, too uncomfortable, too hard.

I’ve never really felt like this in therapy before. Is it just too much now, whilst being a new mum. Am I already spinning too many plates or am I just scared? Scared of failure at it, scared of being silently judged, scared off saying too much……or too little.

Loopy x

502. 500,000 steps.

I’m desperate to lose weight. I needed a challenge to motivate me. Black and white thinking is a bitch.

Go hard or go home! I signed up Great Ormund Street hospitals 500,000 steps in November to raise some money for the great work they do.

I’ve just had a baby! Everything is stretched and sore but yeah OK loopy walk 10k a day, that’s no bother!!! Need to hit at least 16,666 every day.

Day 3 and my numbers are good. I’m already becoming a bit obsessed with it. I really need to lose weight.

Now that baby’s out, I’m throwing up again. Not lots, but enough I hope.

Loopy x

501. Racing thoughts!

A wave of inadequacy.

Very tense, stressed, want to lash out. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!

I should have told oh, I couldn’t face him tonight.

I want to self harm. I might hurt him, what if I hurt him!

I need to pass out, I want to zone out. I can’t do this. Want sleeping pills, handful, boxful, no just 1. Settle for 1.

Why bring someone into this crap world.

He’s so small, so delicate, so vulnerable. So completely reliant on us. I’m not up to the job. But I love him. I’m so confused. Love him, hate him, love him, hate him. LOVE HIM!

I want a break! Even though oh had been doing most of it, I want a break

I’m fucking useless…..

Fat, fat fat fat fat fat!.

Ate too much, wasted my walk. Puked some. Pathetic! Need to walk more!

Need a shower, ugly ugly ugly. Why bother!

Loopy x.