Category: insomnia

486. A night off meds.

I’m home, I’m coping (outwardly anyway) and my little man has completely showered me with hugs and kisses and spontaneous outburst of; “my love you mammy”. Little man has been frigging wonderful, a true tonic for my sadness and doubts. His bond is real, and strong and full of love. I must be doing something right after all…

Baba though, oh you little bugger!! I have to say the growing bump, the regular scans and the family excitement is finally bringing me a little joy. Some hope, some excitement and dare I say it, some confidence.

The sickness though, jeez will it ever go away.? O.k it has lessened but last night I projectile vomited just before bed. Unfortunately that included my nighttime meds. Wow what a massive impact that had! I couldn’t sleep and when I did dose I’d immediately wake up with terrors. Very random, very scary dreams. Even OH confirmed I’d been swearing. As for my mood, it plummeted, and has stayed very low all day. I’ve been in bed, I’ve been crying and for the first time since leaving hospital, I’ve felt suicidal.

How scary is that? How can one missed dose of nighttime meds have such a devastating impact or was it just coincidence? Whatever, I’m glad this day is done.

To end on a positive note, I had a frigging excellent psychologist in hospital and his work has stuck with me, more than any other. I can hear him (not I) challenging my negative thoughts or at least prompting me to. To be honest I kinda wish I had recorded him :), but anyway….

Loopy be proud, you got up today, dressed and fed little man, showered him with love and walked him to school. You really really wanted to self harm, but you fought it and resisted, and finally you rang a friend to check how she keeping (even though she didn’t answer), and you know you’ll ring again.

Little steps Loopy, little steps…..

Loopy x

441. Getting desperate!!

I’m frantically searching uk websites for pills. I’m-desperately trying to find a legit pharmacy that’s flouting the rules. I need to feed my habit.

India is calling, but I can’t go there again. Don’t do it loopy.

DON’T DO IT. I need help……..

Loopy x

422. Damn it Loopy!!

Last night, for the first time in about 2 years, I slept without any zopiclone.  It was a huge achievement, one that I wanted to continue tonight…. but no, I’m a dumbass and I’ve taken 7.5mg.  In truth I want 15!

It was OH’s birthday today and his folks held a little party, cocktail sausages and all 

It’s been the most social interaction we’ve had, and I felt very uncomfortable.  This evening I feel tense and stressed and annoyed at myself for feeling uncomfortable.  We also ate alot of junk and I’m feeling fat, fat FAT!!!

I don’t want lockdown to end, but it will, and I’ll have to face people again, and busy places, and gauping eyes and aaaaggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!

I want to hide away forever…. 😦

Loopy x

421. A lung buster!!

I’m back on the roads, pumping pedals as hard as I can and sweating buckets!!!
I did probably 18 miles today in scorching heat.

I got stuck behind two ladies kitted in lycra and obviously road bike fanatics, and I must admit I felt a little smug being able to keep up with them.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m competitive, often to my own detriment, so let’s face it I wasn’t going to let them get out of sight!! But nonetheless it boosted my endorphins.

I know this routine by now, June, July I’ll be energised, I’ll cycle, I’ll cope and I’ll improve and then come August BLAM!!! I’ll start to crash. 

It’s a pattern, one that  I’ve never really discussed but one that is ingrained by now.

So while this lasts I’ll enjoy the little mood boosts, and continue to cycle harder and faster.

Oh by the way, I’m nearly off the zopiclone.  I’ve gone it alone (I had to!!, there’s no help here!!) and Im coping.  3.75mg / night.  This is the lowest dose I’ve been on in nearly 2 years. 

Oddly, lockdown is suiting me, I’m liking hiding away, not seeing ppl, not showering (gross I know) and lounging in football tops. I’m scared of coming out of it

Come on Loopy, keep your head up!!

Loopy x

408. Home again

6 weeks on a psych ward and pretty much zero improvement.  I’m out on leave until Tuesday and then I’ll be discharged. 

Basically we all recognised that the stay was off no benefit, and without being allowed to burn, my use of ligatures just escalated. 

So I’m back home, on a ridiculous regimen of meds, and little hope going forward.  How do I get help here? How do I get better? How on earth will I cope when little man comes home from granny’s on Sunday.


I am happy to be back in my own bed though, with no restrictions and OH’s arms wrapped tightly around me.

Loopy x

391. Night time feasts.

Last night after meds, I shovelled choclate and crisps into my gob. Previous meals, dinner and a supper scone had been purged, but damn it, I couldn’t throw up after meds as I wouldn’t sleep.

I feel utterly disgusted with myself and I’m desperate to burn.

I keep doing this; the nightime feasts. I wake up with wrappers on my bedside table, some of which I remember and some that I don’t.

Disgusting!!

Loopy x

385. Another change.

I’d just told N on the phone the other day; “I’m just getting used to you”
N is my current CPN/care co-ordinator and now she’s preggers!!

I had a bit of a meltdown today and she was brilliant.  It takes me a while to get used to people, to open up, and I was just finally getting comfortable with N. 

In fairness, she’ll be a fabulous mum, but sigh…..I don’t want another change.

Today at my psych review I was offered more pills….more frigging pills!! I shall now have additional quietiapine (25mg) to take as needed during the day.  It feels like a futile gesture.  The psychiatrist just didn’t know what to do with me.  He had to offer something I guess.

So now my daily regimen will be;
Quietiapine 300 mg, venlafaxine 75 mg, mirtazapine 30 mg, quietiapine 25 mg when I feel I need it, zopiclone 22.5 mg and hmmmm, orlistat 120 mg any time I’m feeling fat and guilty over eating (so quite regular).

What an absolute mess!!!

On a slightly different note, I’m considering going to a depression support group. It’s about the only thing I can access outside work hours.

They want to keep people in work, living normal lives, but all the care operates 9-5. Very VERY annoying.

Loopy x

375. The wrong meds.

At my last psych review I half heartedly agreed to change meds.  I’d slowly reduce the venlafaxine and start sertraline (keeping the quietiapine and mirtazapine).

I’d had some success with sertraline during my uni days, but then with a little time to reflect; I remembered the weight gain!!! I frantically called my CPN.  “N we can’t change the meds, I won’t take them!”

Our pharmacy, who to be honest, have been struggling to keep track of my meds off late, have now dispensed the wrong ones.  So tonight I have no quietiapine or mirtazapine.  I’m freaking out, stupidly, freaking out!!!! How will I sleep???? What will I do???

As readers you may guess the answer to that one.  I’m a wreck, and no one’s really noticed.

Loopy x