What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
It’s almost 2 am and I’m wide awake. Nauseous, puking, shivering and miserable.
I have a drawer full of diazepam and oh boy am I craving them, lots of them!!! Not to die or anything but just to zone out and sleep
I won’t touch them…….
Tomorrow I’ll call my gp begging for antiemetics oh and a 3rd round of antibiotics. I have had a friggin UTI the whole pregnancy and it just won’t F off!!!! š¦
Loopy x
So much better than later Greyās. Iām back binge watching Greyās Anatomy. I do this every year or two, usually when my moods erratic. Itās like comfort food and since I canāt enjoy any actual food at the minute, I thought feck it, bring out McDreamy!
Maybe he could re-wire my nausea medullary centres, and no thatās not a euphemism. Iām soooooooo sick of feeling….and being sick…..
Loopy x
My boys love me, but they donāt need me. The heartiest of laughs is usually heard when Iām not in the room, but listening from afar. OH does the dressing, feeding, bathing etc 90% of the time anyway. I donāt contribute fairly. Iām useless.
Itās funny how a few fleeting thoughts can become an obsession. What drugs do I have? How much do I need? When should I take them? It plays over and over and over relentlessly.
My head is a frigging wreck.
Loopy x
Iām done with this pregnancy. Itās a horrible thing to say, but I donāt think I want another child. I wonāt cope with 2. Iām already terrible looking after 1.
Iām thinking about suicide. I donāt think I could ever harm an unborn child though. Iām feeling trapped, and scared…..and alone.
Loopy x
just good training?
Little man is 4, and I reckon heās a pretty damn competent 4 year old. I heard him rattling about downstairs today and Iāll be honest, I ignored him. Heās always rattling about.
Eventually I went down. āWhat are you doing wee man?…āMammy, Iām making an apple pie. He made a good start I reckon. Got himself a sharp knife from the drawer, grabbed the fruit bowel and began chopping!!
Itās not the first time, Iāve caught him with the knives, and Iāll be honest, I donāt panic or snatch them off him. What I will do is stand and watch as he cuts, and daddy does that too. Bananas are easy, oranges well the skin is tricky but he did it, and cutting apples, well little man that shows some damn good skills right there. Ps this was all chopped before I caught him.
One things for sure, heāll never go hungry.
Loopy
Iām crying a lot. Everything is upsetting me and I can feel my bouts of rage returning. Iāve been tapering off my meds. Iām afraid theyāll harm bump, but Iām now starting to worry that I might harm bump and me…..Iām very low tonight.
On a positive note though, Iām also laughing again. Iād kind off lost that ability over the past few years. Mood stabilisers donāt just dull the lows, they also rob you off joy. I used to be a proper belly laugher, finding comedies and comedians hilarious, but the drugs slowly robbed me of that. So even though the lows are coming back, so are the belly laughs.
Right Loopy go and find a comedy to watch!
Loopy x
I feel like I could burst into tears. I donāt know how to feel.
Iām in shock, Iām scared and a little annoyed at myself for not feeling happier.
3 tests done now, and theyāre all positive. I think I need a good cry to be honest.
1. What if I miscarry again? I couldnāt handle that!
2 What if I donāt miscarry, and actually have another baby? I couldnāt handle that!
3 What if my bad habits have already done irreparable damage? What if my meds are causing abnormalities right as Iām writing this? I couldnāt handle that?
4. What about a birth? Oh my god, not doing that again!!!! No no no NO NO!
5. What if this is all just too much?
Breathe Loopy !
Loopy x
Loopy x
Itās great news, it really is. We donāt want to get our hopes up just yet. Iāve not had a great track record with pregnancies, but oh my god; Iām preggers!
Iām cautiously excited, but probably equally scared. I need a meds review ASAP.!!
Thatās it Loopy: No more drugs, no more purging, no more self destruction!
Dump the Saxenda and the Orlistat. Throw out that box of zopiclone you found. Donāt burn, donāt panic and donāt keep beating yourself up. Youāve got this!
Weāre in shock really. Despite my worries and fears, Iāve always said Iād like little man to have a sibling.
Hold on in there little one, and Iāll do my best to keep you safe.
Loopy x
I spent all day yesterday throwing my guts up. Iām telling people it was a big. I donāt believe that to be true. I upped my Saxenda dose prematurely and I think thatās the culprit.
It was awful, like the worst hangover Iāve ever had. Vomiting, sweating, chills, dehydration, headache: the works!
It has scare me a little. Maybe I need a new approach or maybe I just need to go slower with the dosing.
Starting to feel a little better, Iāve turned to lucozade, and KFC. I always crave KFC when I feel like crap. There goes my diet!
Loopy x
My site was down and I had no idea. I was wondering why Iād been having no views. Was just about to quit writing, but itās now sorted.
I donāt really blog for others, itās a personal mental space for me to express my thoughts safely and anonymously. But not having readers, felt disappointing. I donāt know why. I guess you lot are my sounding board and it only works if I feel Iām being heard. It doesnāt matter who, just someone.
So now fixed, I shall continue.
Biggest thought today, is that I need to increase my Saxenda dose. Iāve started walking, but itās not enough. Iām fat and need to fix it.
Iām also in a constant state of really wanting to end my life. But I donāt want to hurt anybody. When Iām out walking, I think go on Loopy, jump in front off a car. At least that might look like an accident. When I get home again, I think off the driver, the potential impact that could have, but if my family thought I died from an accident, would it be any easier on them?
Jumping in front off cars is no easy feat, I bottle it every time. Drug overdoses are easier, but not guaranteed. Hanging is really affective, but again I bottle it. Does that mean I donāt want to die? What the hell does all this mean?
Iām tired now, iām always tired.
Loopy x
