So much better than later Grey’s. I’m back binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. I do this every year or two, usually when my moods erratic. It’s like comfort food and since I can’t enjoy any actual food at the minute, I thought feck it, bring out McDreamy!
Maybe he could re-wire my nausea medullary centres, and no that’s not a euphemism. I’m soooooooo sick of feeling….and being sick…..
My boys love me, but they don’t need me. The heartiest of laughs is usually heard when I’m not in the room, but listening from afar. OH does the dressing, feeding, bathing etc 90% of the time anyway. I don’t contribute fairly. I’m useless.
It’s funny how a few fleeting thoughts can become an obsession. What drugs do I have? How much do I need? When should I take them? It plays over and over and over relentlessly.
Little man is 4, and I reckon he’s a pretty damn competent 4 year old. I heard him rattling about downstairs today and I’ll be honest, I ignored him. He’s always rattling about.
Eventually I went down. “What are you doing wee man?…”Mammy, I’m making an apple pie. He made a good start I reckon. Got himself a sharp knife from the drawer, grabbed the fruit bowel and began chopping!!
It’s not the first time, I’ve caught him with the knives, and I’ll be honest, I don’t panic or snatch them off him. What I will do is stand and watch as he cuts, and daddy does that too. Bananas are easy, oranges well the skin is tricky but he did it, and cutting apples, well little man that shows some damn good skills right there. Ps this was all chopped before I caught him.
I’m crying a lot. Everything is upsetting me and I can feel my bouts of rage returning. I’ve been tapering off my meds. I’m afraid they’ll harm bump, but I’m now starting to worry that I might harm bump and me…..I’m very low tonight.
On a positive note though, I’m also laughing again. I’d kind off lost that ability over the past few years. Mood stabilisers don’t just dull the lows, they also rob you off joy. I used to be a proper belly laugher, finding comedies and comedians hilarious, but the drugs slowly robbed me of that. So even though the lows are coming back, so are the belly laughs.
My site was down and I had no idea. I was wondering why I’d been having no views. Was just about to quit writing, but it’s now sorted.
I don’t really blog for others, it’s a personal mental space for me to express my thoughts safely and anonymously. But not having readers, felt disappointing. I don’t know why. I guess you lot are my sounding board and it only works if I feel I’m being heard. It doesn’t matter who, just someone.
So now fixed, I shall continue.
Biggest thought today, is that I need to increase my Saxenda dose. I’ve started walking, but it’s not enough. I’m fat and need to fix it.
I’m also in a constant state of really wanting to end my life. But I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I’m out walking, I think go on Loopy, jump in front off a car. At least that might look like an accident. When I get home again, I think off the driver, the potential impact that could have, but if my family thought I died from an accident, would it be any easier on them?
Jumping in front off cars is no easy feat, I bottle it every time. Drug overdoses are easier, but not guaranteed. Hanging is really affective, but again I bottle it. Does that mean I don’t want to die? What the hell does all this mean?