235. Chaos.

That’s probably the best way to describe toddler football. I signed little man up before Christmas and finally a spot opened up.

Today we had our taster session. Toddlers certainly follow the 2nd law of thermodynamics. Entropy increases!!! It was absolute chaos but I’ve signed him up anyway. There were other little kids his age, and despite ignoring every instruction from the coaches, he had fun.

It was also comical watching over zealous father’s trying to create the next Messi. One actually (accidently) threw his little 18 month old into the goal, whilst swinging him pendulum style to kick a ball.

As for me, it was more to my taste than the toddler groups. I can chat to parents if I like, but I can also spend the time with little man, showing him dribbling and celebrating his goal successes.

I was more at ease in that environment.

Loopy x.

234. Just a minute!

“Maybe we should bring the buggy!!” came bellowing from Just outside my bedroom door.

Seriously Mum, please just bugger off for a few minutes. You were down stairs a second ago, why the hell can you not stay there for just a few minutes!!!

I can’t get any flipping time alone with my straighteners this weekend. Between OH and mum being here. I could scream!!!!

I’m a mess, and I desperately need to burn.

I’m feeling defeated again.

Loopy x

233. Nausea.

I feel like I’m pregnant again. To be clear, I am not!

My head aches, I’ve thrown up (not deliberately) and I’m on edge. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

On a side note, I’m worried about my future drug supply. Today I had my first online prescription rejection. I can apparently try again in 3 months. I’ve exhausted all the half reputable dealers and by that I mean the ones that appear less dodgy.

Today I came across bulk ordering from clearly questionable sites. I can buy hundreds of pills, but god knows what’s in them.

The trouble is, my desperation is rendering me tempted.

I need help.

Loopy x

232. Maxed out!

The heart is a muscle, and a frigging impressive one at that. It beats relentlessly, never tiring or straining. It’s muscle cells have more energy (ATP) factories (mitochondria) than any other cells, and it’s plumbing is phenomonal. Tonight I put mine through its paces.

Tonight I tried with all my might to hit my max heart rate. I topped out at 185, just 2 beats short. I was hot, sweating and pumping my legs as hard as I could, but I failed. In reality it’s possible 185 is my max, as 220 minus your age is just a guide really, but I’m still gutted I couldn’t hit it.

This angst, and anxiety and just general twitchiness is proving really hard to cope with. Even my Mum has noticed; “jeez there’s a steer on you this evening!”

She’s here at the moment, but honestly I kind off wish she wasn’t. I desperately want to burn.

The weather has dipped, and you know what?, so has my mood. I’m tired, but twitchy, which is odd I shall induce sleep soon.

Loopy x

231. A jittery workout.

I’ve just burned a fair whack of calories during what I can only describe as an anxiety fueled workout. I’m quite jittery in the evenings of late, and this nervous tension needs an outlet. What I would give to kick Wilson again (old post I’m not insane;)

After 45 mins on the cross trainer, I proceeded to hit the spin bike with as much gusto as I could muster. I went at it hard for 15mins, sweat soaked through two layers. My skin flouresced as brightly as my luminous pink top.

On a positive note I think my hip could cope now with some light road cycling after my crash. Ariel (My bike) is now with our LBS and I’m awaiting the call to go and collect her.

Tired now.

Loop x

230. An addiction.

The only thing good about today, was the weather. I trecked into town for my Occi Health appointment at 11.30. I arrived only to be told it was at 10.30!! I never ever ever miss appointments. If I had political power I would charge people for missing NHS appointments without good reason. I’m so angry at myself. The Dr has very kndly agreed to see me at 9.00 tomorrow before work.

I had a CPN visit this afternoon. It was our first 1 to 1 appointment. I like her, and I’m relieved that I do.

Today for the first time, I confessed to my addiction. I’ve mentioned problems with zopiclone to L and B (other nurses) , but I’ve never said out loud that I’m addicted. Today I was honest albeit details are foggy. I’m crippled with anxiety in the evenings and I suspected it may be due to my taste for sleeping pills. I never take less than 15 mg now, sometimes taking 22.5. This can’t go on. My liver can’t withstand this abuse on top off the prescribed cocktail I’m taking daily. I need help, and today I kind off asked for it. She asked me if I’m ready to give them up, In truth I’m not, but my brain is telling me I need to.

Why do I continue to self destruct?

Loopy x.

229. A big boy bed.

So today we took the sides off little mans cotbed. New bedding thrilled him and new soft furnishings to match are on their way.

I’m sad and proud in equal measure. On one hand he’s growing up too fast, on the other he’s turning into quite the little character.

I still feel guilt for those months I spent away from him, but we’re having more fun now than we ever did before.

Today was spent mostly in our back yard, digging sand, eating at his own little plastic house, filling a wagon with stones, and beaming from ear to ear as he went about amusing himself.

Good weather helps a lot. Good weather allows outdoor play and better parenting. Indeed good weather lifts my mood.

Tonight we may not get much sleep. Toys in darkness and no bars to stop him, may be just too tempting for our little man. .

Fingers crossed

Loopy x