252. I need L back.

My new CPN is great, honestly caring, fairly responsive and honest (Her face gives her away)

But she’s not L. L is the one person I felt at ease with most. She never judged, she was just amazingly kind and supportive in a nurturing way. She held hope for me when I could not. She’d help me find the positives, when I just couldn’t see them. And I wanted to engage, and do things well for her a little as much as me. She tried so much with me.

Now though, it’s all fucked. L has gone and I miss her sometimes intolarbly so.

Now we don’t seem to have a plan. I’ve been dumped from psychotherapy. And now my psychiatrist is leaving.

I just need L. No one comes close. But in typing I can hear say “come on what are you going to to ground yoursslf” what at you going to do that’s nice for you? She has the perfect tone and warmness in her manner. Some weeks on now and I’m not coping, and she the only person I’d give anything to see again

This system off meds are not working, pychology has dumped me and I’m feeling even more isolated and alone.

I’ve just swallowed several. Zopoclone

I’m a bit shaky but should be ok

Loopy x

246. Another rejection…

Yesterday my psychologist told me; “we can’t proceed with therapy at this time, you are too distressed”

This is not the first time I’ve asked for help and have been turned away because I’m too messed up. It was a devastating blow. Is it me? Why do people keep fobbing me off to other services.

Why am I impossible to work with? How on earth do I move forward when service after service keep knocking me back.

My thoughts race constantly, flipping from chores, to work duties, to self hatred,to my endless list of failings and suicide plans. Can someone please turn off my head?

Loopy x

240. Hypotensive?

I’m not sure but I think my blood pressure has dropped. A combination of weight loss, hard gym sessions, weeping burns and my overuse of sedatives could certainly be the cause.

I’m nauseous, fatigued, have a reduced appetite, get dizzy, have headaches and I’m shaky, unbelievably shaky.

I hope it’s hypotension. My list of symptoms could also indicate a struggling liver.

I’m quite worried.

Loopy x

226. Psychology is exhausting.

And I don’t like breaking down in front of little man. That is a flaw in family therapy. I’m not sure I want to persist with this new lady. She’s really kind and comes across as caring and empathetic, but she’s not K. I want K back.

Also by it’s very nature the sessions bring up stuff that inexplicably can floor you. Do I have the strength for this?

Now that work is also fighting for space in my head, I don’t know if I’m coming or going. My moods are still erratic. My self doubts are still huge, and the lack of affection or intimacy in my relationship exasberbates the fact that I’m ugly and un desirable.

I can see an old pattern emerging, and although we’ve tried to male some positive changes I can’t help but feel the swells of hopelessness, loneliness and a career dissatisfaction that ive never felt before. Or atleast I’ve been questioning is this my final job?

Morale at work itself is noticeably low at the minute. To many expectation triclk8ng down from rooms so far removed from what it’s actually like to get bombarded daily by students, not in the lecture halls but in your office or through email. It just never stops , and they can unleash all matters of personal details that we can’t process or adequately.deal with. We can sign post to support services yes, but the waiting lists are horrendous.

I’m very tempted to start a psychology MSc.

Loopy x