311. Orlistat

I’ve not yet touched the laxatives in my bedroom drawer. I want to, but my scientific brain, with its knowledge of gut physiology is arguing against me.

I’m struggling however, and the purging is becoming more frequent. I’ve settled on an alternative approach as my title suggests.

Orlistat is essentially a fat blocker that inhibits gastric and pancreatic lipases (the little suckers that break down fats into an absorbable form) thus preventing the absorption of fats. I’ve just ordered some through the usual unscrupulous online pharmacies.

The side effects (predominantly gas and oily stools) may prove intolerable. I need to lose weight though, I’m grotesque.

Loopy x

310. A bumbling idiot.

Yesterday I had an interview. 3 questions where quite tough but the first, well the first should have been a shoe in.

“Tell us about your teaching experienxe”

I’ve been lecturing for 6 years. I’ve covered all the bases of designing and delivering a curriculum. I should have hit this one out of the park…..

But no! I was a bumbling idiot who could barely string a sentence together. I really don’t know what happened. I just froze.

I’m so angry at myself!!!!I have another interview for a different place in just over a weeks time. I hope I can find some of my lost bravado by then….

Loopy x

309. A lack of support.

My new CMHT seemed great initially, but it was a facade. I feel abandoned in the wilderness. I saw my nurse last Monday, an appointment that seemed rushed and we’ve not organised the next. I really miss C, and L for that matter. Both of them took the time to listen, offer guidance and just soothe me somehow, but this new team don’t appear to care.

I’m back on sleeping pills, which I can already see is a problem and today I purchased laxatives.

I spent hours talking about and advising a friend of mine on the negatives of laxatives and the harm they do. Today in the chemist however, flashing images of my fat gut and ugly shape, convinced to me purchase.

They’re currently sat next to the hidden zopiclone in my drawer. I’ve not taken any yet, but I really want to.

Come on Loopy, you know better. Don’t do it.

Loopy x

308. Job interviews.

It’s pretty much 12am and I’m just heading for bed. I’ve been preparing a PowerPoint presentation, that must be submitted by tomorrow. “How would you embed employability into the science cirriculum?. It’s for my “dream job” at a top UK Russell group uni, yet my hearts not in it. Why is my heart not in it?

I’ve completed the slides, and will send them off by the deadline tomorrow. But I really must summon some enthusiasm before the actual interview/interrogation on the 31st of this month.

I must also prepare for a phone interview this Friday at another university for a part time, working from home gig. I have no enthusiasm for that either. What the hell is wrong with me??!!

On a side note, I think I should set up a CV consultancy business. I’m very good (near 100% success) at landing interviews!!!

Loopy x

307. Our first day alone.

Today was my first day alone with little man (since our move home) as OH began his new job. Grandparents were also away, so it was a true test of my abilities.

I’m very very relieved, to report that we had fun. His tantrums didn’t rock me and his smiles and laughter filled my heart with joy.

Today was a good mood dat, and on those days I’m in control, I’m confident and I’m fun. I only wish that every day could be a good mood day.

Loopy x

306. Conspiring against me.

OH has been moody all day. He dropped his parents at the airport this morning, and since then he’s shut down.

Here’s what I think. I think his parents took this opportunity to grill him on how useless I am. I think they’ve noticed that I’ve not been pulling my weight lately. I think they’ve asked him to really consider our relationship. I think they’ve presented him with better options.

I think they hate me, and why wouldn’t they?

Loopy x

304. I hate it here!

Let’s be honest, moving home was never going to be some miraculous cure, some magic spell that cures me off my demons. I’d hoped however that it would improve my support system, improve my feelings off isolation and provide me with a sense of belonging. It hasn’t worked. Today I cried uncontrollably. I’m not coping, nor am I getting any respite or independence.

Today I wanted to retreat to the garage, and end it once and for all. My little stash of propranolol was crying out to be consumed. I even rang my new CPN, but she wasn’t available and by the time she returned my call, I couldn’t talk. I have no space here to express my emotions, no space to talk confidentially, no frigging space to ease my distress with self harm. To top it all off, I’m really missing C. I wanted to phone C, I want to see C, I need C. This new CMHT are not as good.

I hate it here today.

Loopy x