What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
I’ve just had email confirmation that my prescription was approved and I’ll receive my first Saxenda pen tomorrow.
Hopefully I can manage to inject myself. Hopefully the side effects are tolerable.
Hopefully I’ll lose some weight.
You need to get active too Loopy!
Loopy x
1. Lose weight. I’m going to do it as soon as I can. I’ve bought more Orlistat, I’m desperately trying to get my hands on saxenda, and today I went back on my bike. I feel grotesque, a beached whale, a fat ugly rolley polley.
My first attempt at getting Saxenda failed. Stupid Loopy, you’re fake BMI was too low. Rookie error. My 2nd attempt- well I’m still waiting on the outcome. Fingers crossed. It’s funny, when I was doing my PhD I used to joke that we should all be taking GLP-1 agonists, which is what Saxenda is. They make you feel fuller, delay gastric emptying and have been shown to aid weight loss. Typically used to treat diabetes but now also approved for weight loss in morbidly obese individuals.
Next resolution. Self harm more. Yup I know how ridiculous that sounds. I should be trying the opposite, but /I’m stressed and it calms me. I have this mad craving to use a clothes iron. I’ve been fighting the urge for weeks now, sticking with the straighteners, but I don’t think I’ll be able to relax if I don’t try it. I can’t make sense of these urges at the minute, but they’re showing no signs of easing.
Next one- no hospital admissions in 2021. This past few years I’ve been in and out of psychiatric wards, and to be honest, at the moment I wish I was back in. That’s usually a sign that 1. I don’t actually need to be in, and 2. A sign that my stress and feelings of being overwhelmed are growing. But stay out this year Loopy. You need to stay out.
Last one for now- try to talk more with your key worker. Seek out more counselling and oh this is a big one- share your food struggles with OH.
That’s it for now folks. A mixed bag /I’d say.
Loopy x
I scoffed, I puked and I wept. Scoffed some more, puked some more and wept some more.
Tonight my arm is scorched white. I want to use an iron, a clothes iron, but I’ve resisted. Hair straighteners brought that wonderful sense of calm. The pain is so intense, that the calm feels all that sweeter.
I’m disgusting, I’m ugly and I stink. Literally stink. Bathing has felt all too much lately.
I want to buy Liraglutide. The Orlistat simply isn’t cutting the mustard.
Oh well.
Loopy x
They’ve touched more than a few nerves this evening. I’ve had to turn my camera off. I’ve had a bad day with food, and talk off addictions etc has left me craving zopiclone. I need to burn I think.
They’re a nice bunch of people, but I cannot speak. I cannot contribute. I cannot cope tonight.
What the fuck is wrong with you Loopy?
What I will say though, is that I don’t have an eating disorder. Probably mildly disordered eating.
I’ve tried recently to temporarily give up tea. The reason being, I’m currently bleaching my teeth. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. But oh my word!! This is actually harder than ditching the zopiclone!!
I love tea….. Cup after cup after cup. I drink it when I’m stressed, when I’m happy, when I’m sad and when I’m cold. I drink it all the friggin time. I took a days break from the tooth bleaching routine, just so I could indulge in a few cups. My teeth ain’t getting any whiter. But if a glamorous smile, means giving up tea, fuck it. I’d rather spend the rest of my days, smiling gums closed, with a big mug of tannin filled steamy goodness in my grasp.
In other news, I ate my body weights worth in Maltesers today. MALTESERS!! The supposedly “lighter way to enjoy chocolate”
Maybe not, when you eat bag after bags worth. I broke out the Orlistat days ago…..
Fat, lazy, brown toothed mess!!!
Loopy x
“You dont want to be losing that nice figure now, when you do have it”
“You don’t want to be piling that weight back on”
Seriously!!!! Why the hell do I answer my phone…
I’ve already thrown up lunch today. It was too starchy (baked potato). I’m feeling dehydrated and I’m tired.
On the bright side, I’ve finally seen a psychologist. It’s a start I guess.
Loopy x
Last night after meds, I shovelled choclate and crisps into my gob. Previous meals, dinner and a supper scone had been purged, but damn it, I couldn’t throw up after meds as I wouldn’t sleep.
I feel utterly disgusted with myself and I’m desperate to burn.
I keep doing this; the nightime feasts. I wake up with wrappers on my bedside table, some of which I remember and some that I don’t.
Disgusting!!
Loopy x
It bugs me that they’ve literally just printed off a booklet from another health trust, and they’ve not even attempted to adapt it, or personalise it. I get that it might be a useful tool, but it feels like an after thought, something printed randomly from the web. Plagiarised!!!!!!
Putting that aside, I will complete it. I will attempt to log my feelings, eating habits and use of not so good weight control measures. I will try.
It’s all so blah!!!!! But at least I guess, it’s a start at helping me.
Loopy x
The fatter I feel. I look down on my grotesque lump of a mid rift and I shudder. The number on the scale is going down excrutiatingly slowly, but I dont believe it anyway.
I’m fat, outta shape and ugly., and let’s be honest, I’m a drug addict.
I’m getting no help over here, and I have no one to talk too
I’m struggling to keep afloat. Today i purged at work, AT WORK and again after dinner at home. I then hit the gym already exhausted but the usuál mantra of run fatty run overode all my senses, so I ran.
!The crash is coming. I’m losing control. My chest is tight and I’m often oddly breathless.
I need help
Loopy x
A few days ago, I blamed this on drug withdrawal, but I was wrong. I’ve since recieved my correct meds, but the nausea has persisted.
My little jaunt to the gym today hasn’t helped I’ve not worked out in days, it was worrying me. So today, I pushed through the feelings of sickness, lightheadedness, and utter fatigue
JUST 10 MORE Kcal LOOPY, COME ON FATTTY; 10 MORE!!!! So 10 became 100, and then 150, and then 300. I was in no fit state for this, but in the war between my body, and my mind….my mind won out.
Now home, I’m wondering is it just a mundane bug that will run it’s course soon, or is it much more serious. I’m catastrophising, but I’m on a heck off a lot of pills; some prescribed, and some not Are my liver, pancreas or my kidneys crying out for help.
The scales, by the way have finally dipped below 57kg. 56.9 to be precise, but is this actually a win, or is my body slowly giving up.
Loopy x
What really happens in somones head? 