You’re head is banging, frustration mounting, heart beat ramping up, a little rage is brewing……..yup you’re about to blow.
Stop crying, please stop crying!!!
It’s time to call the cavalry! That sweet, viscous, strawberry goodness.. By the time you’ve wiped the excess of his dribbly little chin, he’s out!! Spark out!!
Suddenly you notice his big eyes, his chubby rosey cheeks, his tiny little fists and you fall in love all over again. Until the next meltdown………….
Calpol (liquid paracetomol) is bloomin magic stuff
When will these bloody teeth arrive?
Today was our big 20 week scan. These are always a bit nerve wracking, more so today than with my first. I think I had talked myself into the notion that something must be wrong. After all the stuff I’ve been up to, and with depression and meds etc, I was just worried. I’ve also not been feeling any movements which I certainly should be by now, given it’s a 2nd baby.
Well the first thing we saw was a very active little baba, punching away and kicking, and pouting. It is certainly moving. Then we did the usual; heart, head, kidneys, spine etc and I’m happy to report that all looks as it should. What a weight lifted!!
Now the big reveal…………………………………….
It’s a boy!!
Mum and sis are just a little disappointed, but I’m delighted to be honest. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m far from a girly girl, more content with footballs, tools and nerf guns!!
Another little man, 🙂
I know for many that this year has been really tough. I know that loneliness and isolation have taken there toll.
I’m thankful though, for Covid Not for the illness or for lives tragically lost . I’m thankful for the opportunities it gave me. I’m thankful for my extra time with little man. Time that strengthened our relationship and bond. Time that built my confidence with him.
I’m thankful for the working from home. It enabled me to cope, to function just enough to fulfill my role. No commuting pressure, shorter days, and the ability to just hide away.
As I ring in 2021, I’m lying here with my little man beside me. I love him, and he loves me.
Don’t be scared off 2021 loopy, just be thankful.
Happy new year everybody. Stay safe and if you can, just for a moment, be thankful.
My family came to visit us today. Mum, Dad, my sister and her 3 children. It was nice seeing them but………
Here’s an insight into why I’m ^damaged^
I bring out shortbread to go with their cups off tea. Mum looks at the packet, turns to me and says; “aw, sure they’re not Scottish*. 1st disapproval off the day.
Later the kiddos had lunch and chocolate cake. The floor a mess, I take out our broom. Mum takes it, sweeps one stroke; “you think you’d buy a decent brush’ 2nd disapproval of the day.
A little while later I give my sister the grand tour. As she’s coming down the stairs she remarks “oh I love your Garland. Mum quickly pipes up; ^sure there’s not even any lights on it!”
There we have it folks, the trifecta. I could go on with the negative gripes that spewed today, but I can’t be arsed. Sometimes I’m accused of black and white thinking, but honestly folks if she had muttered even just the slightest off positive remarks, I’d shout it from the friggin tree tops! Not my Mum, not now, not ever.
It was still nice seeing them all though. I can manage a day, just about
“My love you too Mammy”…………. On days like today, little man, just melts my heart. He’s Mammys boy through and through.
The sun is scorching, our paddling pool is out, and little man is full of laughter and joy. He had a little naked protest earlier. How does one explain to a 3 year old that no one wants to see his bear bum or willy???
The other day we went to a garden centre and as strangers approached, little man stomped one foot out in front of himself, flung his two arms in the direction of the strangers, palms out and declared, at the top of his vouce; “stand back!!!”
It was pretty hilarious but it got me thinking about the effects of COVID on our little people.
Lots of things from my childhood and beyond affected my emotional development. I do wonder will COVID’s rein of terror live beyond the life cycle of the virus, in the form of children afraid to be near, afraid to hug, afraid to love one another……….
I know it’s necessary right now, but when strangers cross the street or hide in alleys or whatever in an attempt to stay 2 metres from me, it makes me feel somehow defective, something to be feared.
Its not nice, and it’s certainly not a culture I want to in still in little people.
I’m a mum, I’m a good mum, no actually I’m a great mum!!! I need to be kinder to myself.
COVID had been horrendous for many reasons but for me the isolation and lockdown with my beautiful, funny, cheeky, boisterous little man, has shown me I can do this. I love him and he loves me too.
Just take each day as it comes and tackle one thing at a time.
I CAN DO THIS!!!!
I could only see him over whatsapp. Bloody corona virus!!!
I’ve felt sad all day, but I’m not sure what it truly stems from.
Is it that I’m missing little man today, or is it that saying goodbye on WhatsApp brought me some refeif.
He kissed the phone and smiled at me, but he was also rather distracted by the telly. I was not top off his interests.
Why would I be? I suck!
I’m afraid of failing him.
I’m afraid of damaging him.
I’m afraid of not loving him.
I’m afraid of my coldness towards him.
I’m afraid of spending time together.
I’m afraid I’m going to break him.
I’m afraid his head will grow like mine, full off demons and self doubts.
I’m afraid I’m no good for him.
I’m afraid off it all, and I want to run away.
What a horrible selfish bitch of a mother I am.
I don’t deserve him, and he certainly deserves better than me.
DISCLAIMER… Sorry readers, this ones rather sweary…..
Dear Family, Shut the fuck up, and fuck the fuck off!!!!!!!!!
My mental state is deeply routed in the constant judgement, and opinions that I’m subjected to.
“Oh he’s definitely autistic, sure you know what’s he’s like….. Why are you being so defensive!… you need to get him assessed. You know he’s going to need support. Sure he’s so odd. There’s definitely something wrong with him.” .. Thanks for that dear sister, now fuck off….
“Sure you know there’s nothing wrong with him… Sure how would he not be odd, sure you and Daddy are odd a fuck. Do ya know what he needs, a good slap once in a while. Sure he’s spoiled!! Yas have him ruined”…… Thanks for that dear mother, now fuck off!!!!
“Oh I’m not sure about that school, they’re very small. If he needs any help sure it’ll take years. Our J sent his children to HF. It’s a great wee school. You should apply there…..Thanks for that dear mother in law, now fuck off!!!!!!!
All I want, even just once, is for someone to tell me; “actually you’re doing a good job” “he’s a credit to you both”
Not in my family….
Nothing comes close. When my little man runs towards me, shouting Teeeeeee! and flings his arms around me, I feel euphoric!!! I’m still struggling with things but the progress me and little man have made, is unbelievable.
This little guy, is my greatest achievement. He is beautiful and funny and growing into one heck of a little character. I love him, and he loves me too. We’ve come so far this past year, and we have so much more to look forward to.
I regret those days I didn’t like him very much. I regret feeling like he hated me. I regret trying to leave him. How could I possibly do that to him? I’m sorry little man, but I’m getting there.
Today you smashed a cup, smeared choclate over cushions, peed on the bathroom floor, spilt milk all over the tiles, tossed blocks everywhere, bashed my laptop keys and screen, persisted with thr destruction that only a toddler boy can muster…. but I don’t care.
You are my world, you are all that really matters. You are my “Hah wah!”
I love you buddy.