413. The best medicine.

I’m a mum, I’m a good mum, no actually I’m a great mum!!! I need to be kinder to myself. 

COVID had been horrendous for many reasons but for me the isolation and lockdown with my beautiful, funny, cheeky, boisterous little man, has shown me I can do this.  I love him and he loves me too. 

Just take each day as it comes and tackle one thing at a time.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Loopy x

398. Mothers day

I could only see him over whatsapp.  Bloody corona virus!!!
I’ve felt sad all day, but I’m not sure what it truly stems from.

Is it that I’m missing little man today, or is it that saying goodbye on WhatsApp brought me some refeif. 
He kissed the phone and smiled at me, but he was also rather distracted by the telly.  I was not top off his interests.

Why would I be? I suck!

Loopy x

396. Afraid off my own child.

I’m afraid of failing him.

I’m afraid of damaging him.

I’m afraid of not loving him.

I’m afraid of my coldness towards him.

I’m afraid of spending time together.

I’m afraid I’m going to break him.

I’m afraid his head will grow like mine, full off demons and self doubts.

I’m afraid I’m no good for him.

I’m afraid off it all, and I want to run away.

What a horrible selfish bitch of a mother I am.

I don’t deserve him, and he certainly deserves better than me.

Loopy x

369. Dear family….

DISCLAIMER… Sorry readers, this ones rather sweary…..

Dear Family, Shut the fuck up, and fuck the fuck off!!!!!!!!!

My mental state is deeply routed in the constant judgement, and opinions that I’m subjected to.

“Oh he’s definitely autistic, sure you know what’s he’s like….. Why are you being so defensive!… you need to get him assessed.  You know he’s going to need support.  Sure he’s so odd.  There’s definitely something wrong with him.” .. Thanks for that dear sister, now fuck off….

“Sure you know there’s nothing wrong with him… Sure how would he not be odd, sure you and Daddy are odd a fuck.  Do ya know what he needs, a good slap once in a while. Sure he’s spoiled!! Yas have him ruined”…… Thanks for that dear mother, now fuck off!!!!

“Oh I’m not sure about that school, they’re very small. If he needs any help sure it’ll take years. Our J sent his children to HF. It’s a great wee school. You should apply there…..Thanks for that dear mother in law, now fuck off!!!!!!!

All I want, even just once, is for someone to tell me; “actually you’re doing a good job”  “he’s a credit to you both”

Not in my family….
Loopy x

345. The love of a toddler.

Nothing comes close. When my little man runs towards me, shouting Teeeeeee! and flings his arms around me, I feel euphoric!!! I’m still struggling with things but the progress me and little man have made, is unbelievable.

This little guy, is my greatest achievement. He is beautiful and funny and growing into one heck of a little character. I love him, and he loves me too. We’ve come so far this past year, and we have so much more to look forward to.

I regret those days I didn’t like him very much. I regret feeling like he hated me. I regret trying to leave him. How could I possibly do that to him? I’m sorry little man, but I’m getting there.

Today you smashed a cup, smeared choclate over cushions, peed on the bathroom floor, spilt milk all over the tiles, tossed blocks everywhere, bashed my laptop keys and screen, persisted with thr destruction that only a toddler boy can muster…. but I don’t care.

You are my world, you are all that really matters. You are my “Hah wah!”

I love you buddy.

Teeeeeeee

328. A show of love.

I’m harsh on my parents if truth be told. They never did ’emotions”. I blame my upbringing to some degree for my current emotional instability, but I do know that they loved us.

They would show this love, not through hugs and kisses, not through hours of play or help with homework, or encouraging pats on the back, but oh my word at Christmas!! We were spoiled at Christmas, ruined in fact. Our living room floor would mimic a toy store. My parents were never rich. They worked long hours for minimum pay, and would have to scrimp and borrow, but at Christmas, myself and my sister would have all the must have toys, gizmos and gadgets. I can recall that one year, Santa even brought a horse!!

And to this day, that’s how love is shown. Tonight my mum secretly handed me a wad of cash. A thick wad, that I know she can’t afford.

I took it though (albeit uncomfortably) because I now know what it stands for. She’s proud of my new job, of my latest achievement and in her own unique way, she loves me.

I only wish she could just say those words.

Loopy x

322. Clingy…

This time last year, I genuinely feared that my son hated me. One year on and I have a total anaconda on my hands!

Teeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!; I hear bellowing relentlessly around the house. I hope he always calls me Tee.

He clutches to my leg and wraps himself around me, he demands that only I take him for his pee pees and ony I will do at bedtime. There is no doubt that he loves me, no doubt that he sees me as his protector and play mate, but oh my word; it’s exhausting!!!!

I assume this clingy phase will pass.

Loopy x