445. Mortality

I’m going to die young.

Regular self burning , will one day give me skin cancer. The repeated damage and neglectful care, don’t help. With skin cancer though, I guess you have a fighting chance.

Then there’s my drug use, prescribed (although I’m forgetful with it) and the non prescribed. Taking higher doses of zopiclone nightly and now using my built up stash of Valium to manage stress {work mostly] and sometimes to help stay calm with little man

The problem with all these drugs, is they are processed by our livers and our kidneys. The liver may at least fight back a little being our only organ that can regenerate itself. Let’s face it though I’m on a path to cirrhosis and renal failure. The other problem with all these meds, is their longer term effects on the nervous system. Gradual decline in nerve function, memory loss and neurodegeneratiin await.

Did I mention the Orlistat? (now that’s my pancreas gone}, and the purging. It’s sooo harsh on my guts, my oesophagus and throat. Oesophageal and colon damage, and disordered eating won’t help my nutrition state. I just crave carbs!!

To sum up, I’m always tired and am full off aches and pains, and the colour off my pee is concerning. I’m muddling along with all those things but they will kill me……..

I’m comfortable with dying young. That’s the saddest thing off all.

Loopy x

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442. A lot to take in.

I’m almost too tired to blog. Today has been a rollercoaster.

Little man started preschool, we had a meeting with our health visitor and then to top it off we had a social services assessment with my new care co-ordinatior from the CMHT team in tow. Oh yes another new fecking care co-ordinator! I’d only met my latest one for the first time yesterday to then be immediately told, ‘oh you’ll have someone different from tomorrow.’ I nearly walked out the door right then..

I’ll never have them back, and I need to let them go, but oh my god, I miss L and C. The ladies who co-ordinated my care before we moved home to fix our lives. FFS Loopy, move on, it’s been more than a year!!

The lady from SS was lovely to be fair but jeepers it was quite in depth. She arrived and 3.30 and wasn’t gone til near 6.

Now we have the age old question to think about, by Monday. ‘What would help you?’

I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Loopy x

438. I hate them…

I HATE them, I hate them, I hate them, I HATE THEM!!!!!

Today OH and I drove for hours to finally select the stone we’ll be facing our little house with.

Phoned my Dad, a little excited…

“Jeez I don’t like it!!, you’re not putting that on are ya? That’s the stuff I saw, all rough and not nice”

Sums up my family dynamic really.

I HATE THEM!!!

Loopy x

Ps here’s the stone

432. It’s not just me……..

I’m not the only one in this house who suffers from depression. This past few years, I’ve probably made things all about me. I’ve been the one in and out of hospital. I’ve been the one who cries, complains off stress, anxiety and unstable moods. I’ve been the one under the care of a community team (well I used to be.. I couldn’t call it “care” over here).

The reality, one that I’ve known for some time is that it’s not just me who suffers. OH has struggled too since the arrival of little man. OH is always tired, distant and short tempered. His mood affects mine, and more worryingly our moods affect little man. OH snaps and swears and withdraws. He exhibits most off my symptoms.

It’s not fair on him, it’s not fair on me and it’s not fair on little man.

I’ve been selfish, but if we’re to survive as a family, it’s time we addressed the elephant in the room.

Loopy x

421. A lung buster!!

I’m back on the roads, pumping pedals as hard as I can and sweating buckets!!!
I did probably 18 miles today in scorching heat.

I got stuck behind two ladies kitted in lycra and obviously road bike fanatics, and I must admit I felt a little smug being able to keep up with them.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m competitive, often to my own detriment, so let’s face it I wasn’t going to let them get out of sight!! But nonetheless it boosted my endorphins.

I know this routine by now, June, July I’ll be energised, I’ll cycle, I’ll cope and I’ll improve and then come August BLAM!!! I’ll start to crash. 

It’s a pattern, one that  I’ve never really discussed but one that is ingrained by now.

So while this lasts I’ll enjoy the little mood boosts, and continue to cycle harder and faster.

Oh by the way, I’m nearly off the zopiclone.  I’ve gone it alone (I had to!!, there’s no help here!!) and Im coping.  3.75mg / night.  This is the lowest dose I’ve been on in nearly 2 years. 

Oddly, lockdown is suiting me, I’m liking hiding away, not seeing ppl, not showering (gross I know) and lounging in football tops. I’m scared of coming out of it

Come on Loopy, keep your head up!!

Loopy x

420 My love you….

“My love you too Mammy”…………. On days like today, little man, just melts my heart.  He’s Mammys boy through and through. 

The sun is scorching, our paddling pool is out, and little man is full of laughter and joy.  He had a little naked protest earlier.  How does one explain to a 3 year old that no one wants to see his bear bum or willy???

The other day we went to a garden centre and as strangers approached, little man stomped one foot out in front of himself, flung his two arms in the direction of the strangers, palms out and declared, at the top of his vouce; “stand back!!!” 

It was pretty hilarious but it got me thinking about the effects of COVID on our little people.

Lots of things from my childhood and beyond affected my emotional development.  I do wonder will COVID’s rein of terror live beyond the life cycle of the virus, in the form of children afraid to be near, afraid to hug, afraid to love one another……….

I know it’s necessary right now, but when strangers cross the street or hide in alleys or whatever in an attempt to stay 2 metres from me, it makes me feel somehow defective, something to be feared.

Its not nice, and it’s certainly not a culture I want to in still in little people.

Loopy x

419. Red in the face..Literally!!

What happens when you mix glorious sunshine, with quietiapine and albinism??
Lobster Loopy, that’s what   I went for a bike ride today, but stupidly forgot to apply my factor 50.  I’m growing redder by the minute.

The worst part is scorching the backs of my hands as any movement at all stretches and pulls at the skin.

34 odd years with albinism and a few years on quietiapine, you think I’d know better.

On a side note, I’m really really really missing C and L today. I had my first phone contact with my new care coordinator this afternoon.  They prefer the term key workers over here.  I think it’s because the title of care co-ordinator could be taken up with trading standards!!! They coordinate f$%k all. 

To quote directly I was told” it’s not like I’ll be ringing you every week, I’ll review you in a month”

Can please please PLEASE have L or C again……

Loopy x

415. A better place.

I don’t precisely know why, but I’m feeling better. I think my combo of meds is working.  I think the good weather is uplifting and I think I’m gaining confidence with little man. 
I need now to wean off my zopiclone and diazepam but I’ve been doing it slowly since coming home from hospital.  I’ve not self harmed in ages, and I’ve not been purging anywhere near as much as usual.

I’m just in a better place, and it feels good.  I hope I can sustain this and have more good days  

Now if I could only sort out my sleep. The meds combo is working during the day, but oh my word I’m having night terrors! and incredibly scratchy painful dry eyes.

One day at a time Loopy.  You’ll read this saying alot as it is my new mantra.

Loopy x

413. The best medicine.

I’m a mum, I’m a good mum, no actually I’m a great mum!!! I need to be kinder to myself. 

COVID had been horrendous for many reasons but for me the isolation and lockdown with my beautiful, funny, cheeky, boisterous little man, has shown me I can do this.  I love him and he loves me too. 

Just take each day as it comes and tackle one thing at a time.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Loopy x

412. It’s caught me off guard.

I’ve chomped my nails, down to the stumps, I’ve binged and purged.  I’ve burned and tonight for the first time since discharge, I want to knock myself out with zopiclone and diazepam, both of which I have in my possession (not loads)

I can’t explain it but a huge wave of sadness, hopelessness, self doubts and self destructive urges have hit me hard this evening…

And so the cycle begins again……………

Loopy x