223. The best day.

Today has been fantastic. The sun was out, little man was in good form, and a dear friend came to visit.

For the first time in quite a while, I felt…. . I felt normal. I was in control of household chores, in control of little man, and in control of my emotions. There were no inexplicable outbursts today, no desires to burn and no little voice in my head telling me I’m awful.

To see my friend, who is doing so well, was great. We played with little man, walked on the beach and basked in our freedom.

I need to remember today. I need to hold on to this good feeling and remind myself when dark clouds ascend; that I am capable off normal, I am capable of laughing and smiling with a friend. I am capable of finding joy whilst dancing with my 2 y.ear old.

Tonight I shall begin prep for a lecture I’m due to give on Friday Tonight it doesn’t feel so daunting

There will be more good days Loopy. Honestly there will.

Loopy x

222. Kick me when I’m down

“You should think about going down to 50% until September” Those where the words that spilled from my boss’s mouth this morning, during a meeting that I had to request, in order to discuss how I’m doing on my phased return.

They stung! You’re no good to me now Loopy, you can’t handle anything and it’s costing us too much, is what I heard. All I needed was a supportive, “you can do this” but instead the last remaining shred of optimism for my future was ripped away.

I’m a burden, I’m incompetent and I’m very nearly done.

Tonight’s little sleeping pills are the same brand as those I used in August. It’s the first time a pharmacy has dispensed the same kind, in all these months. It’s a coincidence that they arrived today, on a day when I want to consume them all. I don’t have enough though, so I’ll just have to settle for a slightly comatosed sleep.

I have no capacity for stress, no tolerance for the all to familiar stares from other commuters, no cut off valves, when my face decides to spontaneously leak and no hope that this will ever change.

I wish I could see my old CPN. She’d know how to make me feel a little better. God I wish she’d come back…..

Loopy x

221. I have no answers.

Literally!!! Today I was bombarded with question after question. Today’s practical was on nerve action potentials. It was simulator based Tiny laptop screens, with an unfamiliar programme and the glare off bright sunlight bathing the lab.

It was too much too soon. Nothing quite knocks your confidence like the inability to field questions from 2nd years.

“I’m sorry, I don’t usually run this; can you ask T? I felt incompetent, insecure and fragile.

I ran! Left T and demonstrators to it, with no explanation or curtious good bye. Tears ran down my face uncontrollably at my desk. What the hell is wrong with me?????

Worse still I was discovered by a colleague. She was kind, but all I wanted to do, was ring for help. Ring to hear a calm voice at the other end of the line. A voice that’s used to dealing with meldowns. A voice that knows my story.

But she wouldn’t leave!!!!

Tonight I’ve got that horrible defeated feeling in my gut. Some people are meant to live until old age. Other’s, well others should know when to give up.

But I’ve got a little boy ….. . …

Loopy x

218. Dog tired!

I’m completely wiped out. I’ve spent all day marking, which took twice the time it should have. I guess I’m a little rusty.

My phased return does feel a little fast though. I did pluck up the courage to tell my boss, but I’ve still agreed to do a little more than I feel comfortable with.

I’m also ridiculously emotional. I almost cried on the train home, fighting back tears the entire journey.

I guess I’m a little overwhelmed. On the bright side I shall attempt sleep tonight without my trusty sleeping pills. I’m that tired!!!

Loopy x

217. Snowballing.

I’ve gone back too soon. I’m fragile and teary, and they’re piling too much on me. It’s too fast!

I can’t prep for practicals and lectures, and moderate modules and mark scientific reports

It’s too much to plan, to organise and prioritise. My threshold for stress appears quite low. How do I tell my boss to hit the brakes? How is my career ever going to survive this?

Myself and OH also had a family therapy assessment today before I went to work. I have no optimism in this regard. I can’t be fixed, nor can I speak freely in front of OH. The damage is too ingrained.

There’s too much stuff in my head, too many spinning plates. I’ve phoned and asked for more PRN, until then, I guess I just need to keeping breathing.

I’ve burned and I want to binge. I must not eat, I MUST NOT EAT!!

Loopy x

215. 3 little puddles.

The battle lines were drawn. He glared at me steadfast, and confident. There was only ever going to be one winner here.

No I will not use a spoon today Mummy! I will eat my beef and mash on my terms, or I shall starve!!!!!

You’ve got to admire the stubberness off a 2 year old. We can usually count on him to swallow grub without protest, handling cutlery like a pro.

Some battles are worth fighting and simetimes when sleep depruved and alone it’s just easier to wait whilst this little human, slowly and infuriatingly sucks beef and mash from a 5ml paracetamol syringe.

This evening would be spent powerhosing every nook and cranny of his little pudgy arms and legs. There was much fun had running and rolling down sand dunnes and I knew that he would harbour kilograms of the stuff and gleefully sprinkle it on kitchen tiles, staircase carpets and bedroom floors upon our return home. I will deal with that tomorrow!!!

Now though, it’s bath time. A whiff of something in the air indicated the need for a gentle pre wipe. I whipped his nappy off, dealt with his thoughtful little gift, and stood him, bare bummed and smiling by our bath.

I quickly nipped out to grab his PJ’s and upon my return, there they were, glistening and golden on my bathroom floor;

3 little puddles………….

Loopy x

214. It was boss!!

Today for the first time ever, I got to spend time with S, outside the confines of a hospital visiting area. Today was the first time, we both basked in freedom, drank mochas and laughed from the pit of our bellies. She has not yet been discharged, but her progress has been such that she is allowed accompanied leave. In her words; “It was boss!!”

She continues to inspire me, and although those days in a psych ward were some of my darkest, they brought me a friendship that was unexpected, and a friend who makes me stronger.

Loopy x.