What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
I dont know why I do it, but I do. I’m starting to avoid little bubs. I’m robbing him off on Daddy. I’m lying in bed more and more.
This is what I do when I’m starting to struggle. I dont know why. I want to escape, runaway hide or whatever.
I avoid!
Maybe some people just aren’t cut out to be parents. Maybe some people should never have kids. Maybe I’m one of those people??
Damn it Loopy!
Loopy x
Little bubs birth was planned. It was going to be lovely. He’d be immediately placed on my chest. He’d gaze up at me. We’d get a hit of gushy hormones and we’d fall in love.
As you might know, things didnt go to plan. It was ages before I held him and then he was whisked off to the nicu. I didnt hold him again for a few days I think. It’s all still a bit hazy.
No proper snuggles or skin to skin at all whilst in hospital. Not the start I wanted. But I cant dwell on that now. That wasnt my fault.
Now we’re home, I’m soaking him in. After little man heads off to bed myself and bubs sit for about to hours, with him snuggled in my chest.
I dont know what skin to skin does exactly but it feels just lovely. It calms me right down and he snoozes so content. I cant stop looking at him. I love him, I really do.
Things feel a little different this time around. Good different.
Loopy x
I’m booked in to deliver baby on Sept 22nd. I’m not ready! I’m freaking out! I don’t want to do this!
I’ve been prepping. Washing little mans old baby clothes, buying new stuff, sorting a crib, new car seat, cleaning our old travel system, buying little toys, food prep essentials, cute blankets, cute hats and off course hospital bag essentials. You’d think this would bring me some joy, some excitement, anything….. but it doesn’t. I’m like a robot going through the drill, but I’m really dreading it all. Right now I want him out of my belly, but not back to my house. How awful is that?
I’ve had multiple scans and I fight back tears at every single one. I look at the screen but I don’t want to. I listen to the doc explain positions, heartbeat and healthy signs but I just want them to shut up.
I don’t want to be a mum anymore. I just don’t think I can. I’m exhausted, I’m scared and I’m not ready.
Oh shit!!!
Loopy x
When you get out of hospital, there’s a bit of an adrenaline rush I think. I was doing all the right things, washing, bathing, dressing, eating, caring for and playing with Little man, contributing to the house, giving OH some much needed breaks and returning to work.
Professionals would comment on how far I’ve come, how well I’m doing etc. People would ask how I feel: “I’m great”. Over the weeks my reply wouldn’t change but in reality I was good, then o.k, then less than o.k, exhausted, burnt out, depressed, miserable…………..suicidal.
The world feels overwhelming again, my anxiety is rising, my self worth plummeting. I’m drowning here.
Start talking Loopy, you need to talk.
Loopy
I blogged some time back about a nurse who tragically killed her 3 children but failed in her own suicide attempt. This week she was found not guilty, by reason of insanity.
I’ve heard people scorn; ‘you just don’t harm your kids!!’
My neighbour came out outraged until she sized up my view. See here’s the thing. It’s a scary and a sad truth but…..that could have been me.
This poor woman hated herself, and was convinced she was an awful mother, damaging her kids beyond hope. She feared that her illness had sentenced them to a life of mystery. I’ve had those very same feelings towards little man.
This mother knew in her own mind that her children would be better off dead. Such is the harsh reality of mental ill health and delusions. I at one point also knew that little man would be better off dead. How scary is that?
I’m lucky though, somewhere in my head, despite the constant barrage of self hatred , despite the constant attacks on my abilities, and the constant fears for little man, I knew from some tiny nugget of logic that my thoughts were irrational. I knew something was wrong and that healthy people don’t feel like this. I knew I needed help.
By all accounts this poor woman had also reached out for help. She expressed some scary thoughts to professionals. She tried in my view, to manage things.
Like me though, she hid it all from her OH. I know why she did that, it’s the reason I do it too. She felt ashamed, ashamed of her condition and her thoughts. She probably felt he wouldn’t understand and that he might even hate her. She probably also wanted to hide that fact that she was a horrible person. Yes in her head this was fact!
I personally have no doubt that she went insane. I feel so so sorry for her, her husband and those 3 beautiful kids. I hope she gets the help she needs to somehow live with this. I hope lessons have been learned by those professionals who had treated her. I hope that those who now hate her, can somehow forgive her.
But most of all I hope I never have those thoughts again, and that if I do, I’ll find the strength to reach out. I hope that the little nugget of logic that saved me before, saved us before, saves us again.
Loopy x
I’m home, I’m coping (outwardly anyway) and my little man has completely showered me with hugs and kisses and spontaneous outburst of; “my love you mammy”. Little man has been frigging wonderful, a true tonic for my sadness and doubts. His bond is real, and strong and full of love. I must be doing something right after all…
Baba though, oh you little bugger!! I have to say the growing bump, the regular scans and the family excitement is finally bringing me a little joy. Some hope, some excitement and dare I say it, some confidence.
The sickness though, jeez will it ever go away.? O.k it has lessened but last night I projectile vomited just before bed. Unfortunately that included my nighttime meds. Wow what a massive impact that had! I couldn’t sleep and when I did dose I’d immediately wake up with terrors. Very random, very scary dreams. Even OH confirmed I’d been swearing. As for my mood, it plummeted, and has stayed very low all day. I’ve been in bed, I’ve been crying and for the first time since leaving hospital, I’ve felt suicidal.
How scary is that? How can one missed dose of nighttime meds have such a devastating impact or was it just coincidence? Whatever, I’m glad this day is done.
To end on a positive note, I had a frigging excellent psychologist in hospital and his work has stuck with me, more than any other. I can hear him (not I) challenging my negative thoughts or at least prompting me to. To be honest I kinda wish I had recorded him :), but anyway….
Loopy be proud, you got up today, dressed and fed little man, showered him with love and walked him to school. You really really wanted to self harm, but you fought it and resisted, and finally you rang a friend to check how she keeping (even though she didn’t answer), and you know you’ll ring again.
Little steps Loopy, little steps…..
Loopy x
I have low self esteem. I often see the very very worst in myself. I didn’t know that as part of my discharge/care plan that OH had agreed that I would have no unsupervised contact with little man.
OH didn’t actually tell me, but I’ve had several follow up calls from various professionals who kindly dropped this little bombshell on me. I don’t think OH was ever going to tell me.
When you feel like the crappest mum in the entire world, and then you’re told; ‘we don’t want you to be alone with your son” , it’s quite frankly devastating, heartbreaking and a real kick in the gut.
I would never ever ever put my little man in harms way. I’ll jump through whatever hoops I need to, to get my life back on track, but sorry social services, this is just cruel!!
Where was all this “help’ and ‘support’ this past 12 months when I’ve been literally crying out for it?
Loopy x
Well folks, that’s another hospital admission over. I’ve been in here for 6 weeks. It’s time to go home.
I’m filled with the usual terror and uncertainty that’s always accompanied these situations. How will I cope? Can I ever properly change things? How do I move forward in a positive way?
My intense crisis has passed though and some hope has returned which itself will sustain me for a while. Come on Loopy, you’ve got this!!
There’s a baby on the way. It’s hard to see it now, but this IS a good thing.
Loopy x
I’m still in hospital, I’m still quite low, I’m still a bit of a mess.
They asked me this week, “do you write things down?”. I guess I’ve stopped lately and I’m not sure why. I think I was maybe scared of being boring.
I feel sad, I feel alone, blah blah blah. I think I’m getting sick of even listening to myself. I’m very pathetic.
At this time, I want to run away. I don’t want to see, or talk to, or be around anyone, and I mean ANYONE.
I’m ignoring family calls, cutting conversations with little man short, ending text conversations abruptly and delaying booking visits for OH.
I’m ignoring bump. Trying to pretend it’s not happening,. Trying to block it out.
I want to be alone. I don’t want to have reasons to fight anymore, but I do. Its really hard because I want to die alone……
I’ve put the shutters up, I don’t ever want to take them down.
Loopy x
I’m going to die young.
Regular self burning , will one day give me skin cancer. The repeated damage and neglectful care, don’t help. With skin cancer though, I guess you have a fighting chance.
Then there’s my drug use, prescribed (although I’m forgetful with it) and the non prescribed. Taking higher doses of zopiclone nightly and now using my built up stash of Valium to manage stress {work mostly] and sometimes to help stay calm with little man
The problem with all these drugs, is they are processed by our livers and our kidneys. The liver may at least fight back a little being our only organ that can regenerate itself. Let’s face it though I’m on a path to cirrhosis and renal failure. The other problem with all these meds, is their longer term effects on the nervous system. Gradual decline in nerve function, memory loss and neurodegeneratiin await.
Did I mention the Orlistat? (now that’s my pancreas gone}, and the purging. It’s sooo harsh on my guts, my oesophagus and throat. Oesophageal and colon damage, and disordered eating won’t help my nutrition state. I just crave carbs!!
To sum up, I’m always tired and am full off aches and pains, and the colour off my pee is concerning. I’m muddling along with all those things but they will kill me……..
I’m comfortable with dying young. That’s the saddest thing off all.
Loopy x
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What really happens in somones head? 