350. Phenergen

You can have phenergen. I don’t want phenergen, I NEED zopiclone.

Regulations around the dispensing of z drugs and hypotics, have clearly tigtened up. i may have had a hand in this, previously having written to the GPhC and ministers.

Sites that allowed frequent orders and large quantitoes with few questiins asked, are now siddenly out of stock, under review, or worse; offering me phenergen imstead.

My logical brain is sayong this is a good thing, but my desperate addicted braon is panicking. I’m screwed!!!

My GP provides me with 3.75 mg daily, which I top up to around 12 or 15mg. I cannot sleep without it. I cannot cope without it. I cannot live without it.

Last night suicide beckoned. It sold me it’s delights. What should I do?

I’m desperate to talk to L or C, but I can’t.

Stop it loopy, you love your little boy. He needs you.

Loopy x

347. Happy birthday….

to me…..

Today I turned 34 and it was actually a really nice day for me. OH surprised me this morning with a cooked brekkie. Then my mum and sister came up to take me out for lunch.

I recieved gifts that I was not expecting, I’ve had multiple well wishes on facebook and whatsapp and just now I noticed a voicemail from my dad, wishing me happy birthday.

Today I’m feeling loved, and thought off and wanted. Today I’m appreciating the people in my life and I’m thanking my stars, that I’m still alive. I’ve achieved alot in my 34 years, and sometimes I forget that.

Right now I’m marking student essays, but hey, you can’t have it all. 🙂

Loopy x

341. Flumps

I love flumps. I’ve enjoyed them since childhood. Today however, flumps are proving quite troublesome. For those of you unsure, flumps are marshmallow logs, that are bloomin delicious.

I enjoy them immensely but like many sweet treats, soon after consumption, the guilt and self loathing sets in.

I’m purging again. I need to, I’m grotesque. If you’re suffering from disordered eating and purging, I have a word of warning for you…..

Flumps FLOAT!!!!!!!, making them very difficult to flush 😦

Loopy x

340. An unanswered email, update

In my previous post, I’d feared an email to my previous CPN had been missed, or worse; ignored. I was (as usual) a little quick to judge.

I should have known C wouldn’t let me down. Today I recieved a mail, that has made my week. It was an email full of warmth and encouragement. It was an email that in truth has made me miss her a little bit more, but it’s one that I will treasure.

It’s a mail that I will no doubt read from time to time when I need cheeing up. It means alot to me.

Loopy x

339. An unanswered email.

I emailed C yesterday. C was my care coordinator just before, during and after my last hospital admission. I miss her terribly. Since moving home, my new team have been pretty dire. Very nice, but I’ve been promised a psychology referral since early July and they still haven’t done it. I have the same conversation over and over again, but I’m getting no support or care.

This would never happen with C. When she told me she would do something, she would do it. She made me feel properly “listened” to. She made me feel less alone.

I probably stepped over a boundary emailing her. I’ve been desperate to call her, but I’m no longer her responsibility and I guess, i thought a little email would be less intrusive. I’ll never know, if she actually saw it, or read it.

I’ve had no reply, and I’m gutted. This is most likely my BPD at work. I become reliant on people and when they’re gone, I miss them way more than I probably should.

I really really really miss her and I’m feeling lost without her

I guess I just need to learn to deal with it.

Loopy x

338. A harmless purge.

Let’s be honest. There is no such thing as a harmless purge. My scientific brain is screaming; tooth decay!! vocal chord damage!! throat sores!! bloating!! digestive problems!! bad, bad, BAD!!!

But then I look in the mirror. I see fat and buldges, and yuck! I remember all the calories I’ve binged on. I’m ugly, I’m ugly, I’m UGLY!!!!

Now my mouth is dry and sore.

Loopy x

337. A little manic.

“You sound hyped” my sister remarked, as we chatted earlier.

She was right, I do feel quite manic today. I’m in a good mood. I bought clothes in the spur of the moment, which I rarely do. If my bank account could cope, I’d have bought an iPad.

I’m looking at ebikes, that cost thousands. I’m searching amazon for things to buy. I want to spend!!!

My rational brain is holding me back. I don’t get paid until Monday. Hopefully my desire to buy stuff will have eased by then. If not, I’ll quickly blow my first pay cheque.

I’m frigging pumped!!!

Loopy x