I’m exhausted, physically exhausted. It’s inexplicable really, or maybe it’s just a come down now that we are officially home.
In truth it doesn’t feel much like home to me. It feels claustrophobic, feels like I’m being scrutinised and just overall feels a little uncomfortable. OH’s family are lovely but I need my own space. I’ve not yet secured employment so for now we’re stuck.
I’m getting frustrated at my lack off alone time. I need to burn but I can’t get any space to do it. There’s always someone around, and it’s causing me to feel more tense.
I’m also sporting a marvellous blubbery rubbery mess around my midsection that Michelin or Bridgestone would be proud off. I wonder if I dug out some grooves for grip, would it be more efficient now to tip me on my side and just roll me to my destinations!
Thanks for that little question sis. I couldn’t believe it as those words poured from her lips. She’s knows I’m on a list of meds as long as my arm and hence would not be getting pregnant. She knows that I’m self conscious about my weight. Surely she knows better…
Well at least those words have confirmed what I already know; I’m a fat ugly mess!!!
I want to burn deep tonight. I want to swallow sleeping pills, not to die, but to dull my racing thoughts and self hatred.
I want to hit the gym!
I can’t stop crying…
Today we emptied our house and shipped all our stuff home before we follow on Thursday.
Right now I can’t stop crying. I’m crying because I’m still depressed. I’m crying because I’m having really strong suicidal urges and I’m crying because it doesn’t matter where we move to… my head will follow us.
I feel absolutely hopeless.
Today I had my last appointment with my current CPN. C has been absolutely fantastic this past few months and I’m very sad to be losing her.
She has organised my transfer of care and given me copies of all the necessary paperwork. I actually have an appointment with my new CMHT next Monday. God I hope they’re as good as my current one.
I really wish I could take C with me.
We’re in the throws of the terrible two’s. Little man has my temper, coupled with OH’s stubberness. This makes for an explosive cocktail!
We’ve been good so far on the united parenting front. When we say no, we mean no!!! Little man is certainly testing the boundaries; throwing himself on the floor, squealing and shrieking like something possessed and ultimately testing my patience to it’s limits.
We’ve been good though, no raised voices or shouting. We just calmly stand our grand, which is a huge departure from how I was raised. A quick slap was the tool of choice during my upbringing. Not excessively by any means but used nonetheless.
Psychology has helped myself and OH to map out our own path on the family front, not conforming to our own parents ideals. Its not as easy as it sounds.
Today I went into work, for what was supposed to be my final time.
It was a day full of saddness and shock as myself and colleagues learned that one of our own sadly passed away last night.
The mood was understandibly low as everyone tried to process the news. She was in charge of all our labs. She was the go to person if we had issues with our practical classes, but more than this, she was a really really nice lady who has been taken far too soon.
The teaching labs will never be the same again. It really hit me though that she has left behind a grieving family. A family that would give anything to spend more time with her.
I sway back and forth on the positives and negatives of us moving back home. Today I’m grateful that I’ve resigned. I’m grateful that myself, OH and little man will spend more time with our families.
That’s what life is really about isn’t it? On our death beds, none of us will be wishing that we worked more!!!! Call the ones you love today, because tomorrow they might not be here…..
Today was good. Best I’ve felt in a while. We took little man on his bike to a forest which he loved and off course we got to do some “forest bathing”.
We followed this up with a trip to the local ice cream store and we all happily munched on banana and bubblegum flavoured goodness as we basked in sunshine.
Right now, I’ve just come back from a bike ride. Tonight it was not to burn calories, it was not aggressively attacked, it was purely for enjoyment….. and it worked.
I need more of these days.