170. New lights.

I’ve bought some new lights, not really out of need, but out of impulse. I do that when I’m low. I browse through amazon for several items I suddenly desire, and before I know it, I’ve racked up a hundred quid.

On the bright side, my bike and clobber is illuminated like a fairground ride. No harm really; well except that I can’t financially afford these impulses.

Here’s a tip though. If I can smell your sweet blossom aroma from my bike as I whiz past you in frost bitten breezy air; No shit Sherlock!!! YOU’RE WEARING TOO MUCH PERFUME!!!.

169. Flashbacks.

I headed off at dusk, light rain in my face, a chill that called for gloves and my headlight dipped. It’s been a while since I’ve whirred a chain, and whizzed along the sea front.

It started well, but soon flashes of fiery red curly hair surrounding tear filled tired eyes, interupted the focus of my beam ahead. She was just too young to fully understand, but just old enough to know that Daddy’s never coming home.

Each wave crashing on the rocks, echoed the slapping of a deadly calm sea disturbed only by the racing of a RIB for shore. Emergency services lay in waiting, but it would be too late.

The men shouted at me to gaze forwards and watch for bouys, it wasn’t until some years later that I realised this was an attempt to save the innocence of a young girl who’d not long graduated from childhood. It was too late though, I’d seen it all.

Come on Loopy, shake it off, focus on the path ahead. Switching to full beam as darkness settled, intensified the darkness in my head. Every turning of the crank brought images off those oxygen starved blue lips and grown men fighting back tears as they pounded on a water filled chest.

I’m so sorry. I could have, and should have done more.

I love the sea………..and I hate it!!!

Loopy x.

168. Reaching out.

It’s the hardest thing in the world to do, when you need it most. I do have numbers to call, but I can’t hit dial. I desperately need to talk, but I’m fearful of the conversation. I waited today until after 5, in the hope the answer phone would offer some soothing useful guidance, but the cold, monotone Irish (Dublin?) accent offered little comfort in ushering me to A&E. I can’t bring myself to A&E and I can’t shut down my racing thoughts.

OH and little man come home tomorrow, and I don’t want them to, nor do I want to be here when they do. I am actively scheduling activities to minimise time alone with my head, but really I’m just pissing in the wind, and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t even want to try.

Tonight I will sleep. I’ll make sure of that……….. Tomorrow? Don’t worry, I’ll still be here…….

Loopy x

167. I just want to sleep.

My head is racing. Everything in my being is screaming at me to hurt myself. It’s not that I want to die, as such. I just want to sleep for a while. A deep undisturbed slumber, where I have no thoughts, worries or responsibilities.

I’ve tried everything today to distract myself. It was not a good time for pyschok8gy to cancel on me.

I almost bought alcohol this evening. I browsed through every wine bottle, eventually snapping out of it and opting for hot chocolate instead. I need the wine for courage.

I can hear my CPN’s gentle voice in my head; “Come on Loopy, what are you going to do this evening to ground yourself?”

“OK audible, it’s a date. I’ll run the bath, you light the candles……”

Loopy x

166. I wrote some notes.

I’m standing dangerously close to the edge, and it would take no more than a little gust to blow me over. My heads a mess. Two voices are jostling for position, and honestly, I’m exhausted.

I wrote some notes today; the kind of notes, that no one wants to find. A home vist and a gym boost have given me some strength. I will go to psychology tomorrow, and otherwise try to fill my day with activities that distract me.

I’m not sure I can do this much longer though.

Loopy x

165. Changing my trajectory.

“So what are you going to do today?” This is a question I guess I’ve come to expect.

Think fast Loopy!; “umm I’ll probably go to the gym after lunch”. In truth I had no intention of going to the gym today. I was going to go to bed. I don’t like lying though, so I went to the gym! I’m glad the question was posed and I’m glad I turned my lie into a truth.

It was good; bust my lungs on the rowing machine good, burned a shed load of calories good, released some happy chemicals good.

I’ll go again tomorrow.

Loopy x

164. Searching for sun rays.

I’m struggling to be positive. My forecast calls for rain, but today I guess I found some sun rays. There was a tsunami in my bathroom, that brought me smiles and laughter. No one tells you just how much splashing little hands can do. Nor do they tell you that a cheeky smile through mounds of suds is enough to fill your heart with joy.

I’ve been trying really hard with little man. I’ve surrendered to his constant calls for attention, his constant gÅ•abbing of my hands and he’s paying me back with love.

2 months ago, I would have sworn he hated me, but I know now that he doesn’t. I’m constantly doubting my abilities to care for him, constantly beating myself up for failing him, but he loves me. He Loves ME!!

Hang on to that..

Loopy x