Today my heart aches. Today I miss my son. Today all I want to do is hug him, play with him and tell him that I love him. Today I want to be his Mum.
I’ve cried a river this morning longing for my little man, though the waves of self doubt and guilt also flowed. I had a good chat with a fantastic staff member, and I’m so grateful for that space today. I needed to talk and today I could. She settled me and supportively challenged my perceptions of myself. I would have burned, I needed to; but she rode that wave with me and it passed.
Today I want to get better, for me and for my family. . My goal today is to not self harm.
Today we had to evacuate our ward as someone decided it was a good idea to set a bin on fire. I was pretty lucky I guess, in that I was able to go to a gym on another ward to pass the time. I get to the gym almost daily now. I managed to jog 20 mins on the treadmill which for me is a huge achievement. I can’t run, I’ve never gotten any better at it but today I surprised myself a little.
Today though not even a successful gym session could clear the demons in my head. I battered Wilson off the wall after the gym and still no relief. I’ve self harmed twice today. Firstly after the chaos of the incident had all settled. I couldn’t settle my mind. It’s just been a negative day. My thoughts were racing and I was feeling suicidal.
A visit with OH this afternoon went badly; I was unnecessarily sharp with him and just hard to be around. Shortly after that I did the 2nd burn; a little deeper this time. The psychologist summed up why I self harm perfectly today. It hits a reset button. It stops the racing thoughts, the self loathing and suicidal impulses; if only for a little while. .
I hate having to ask for a bandage, I feel so ashamed.
So from week 1 in here it was pretty much agreed that I would benefit from psychology. It has taken forever, but today I finally met with one. It was both brilliant, as I felt comfortable talking with her, and terrible because I’d been feeling low today anyway and once you start talking about stuff it sort of opens up the floodgates.
I told her a little about my PTSD past and a little about how I feel towards my son. That was enough for today. It was draining. I then went back to my room, head racing and wept pretty uncontrollably for about 20 minutes. I dragged myself to lunch, took it back to my room and wept some more. I don’t know how I’m ever going to get through all this. I hate myself, I’m ugly, I’m (technically) disabled, I’m a terrible mother, I suck at my job and I don’t know why, but all the guilt I felt about that drowning experience (see the blue face post) has resurfaced and it’s showing itself everywhere.
To end on a positive though we have decided compassion focused therapy is the way to go. At least I feel like there might be some progress.
I couldn’t blog yesterday as our internet in here was down. It has only just been fixed. But I wanted to blog to document some progress. I’ve now been granted longer leave with family after my Psych review yesterday.
So myself and OH went out for lunch. Good old Frankie and Benny’s! Some of the awkwardness (that we seem to have been having lately around each other) dissipated, and we were relaxed in each others company. It was nice.
I did however fell guilty that there was no little man with us. Guilty because I didn’t miss not having him with us. Mum guilt is all consuming sometimes.
OH has just popped in for a vist and as such we thought it would be a good idea to facetime with little man who’s over with his Granny. Hiya Daddy! he exclaimed as he came to the phone. He’s never called me Mum or mummy of anything like that and it shouldn’t upset me, but it does.
Little man is doing so well with his gulladuff grandparents at the moment that I know he’d be o.k if I left him now. I’m no good for him, and I feel like he hates me. He’s not even 2 yet but he doesn’t show me the same enthuasism that he seems to show Daddy, and I think that’s because he doesn’t like me very much.
Feeling quite suicidal right now. Definately feeling the urge to self harm. I should really speak to someone.
I’ve just caught myself humming and whistling to myself. That for me is a very positive sign. I whistle when I’m happy going about doing things. I get that from my granny. She used to whistle when she was doing house chores.
The sun is out today; lets hope clear skies also occupy my head,
it’s nearly 12am and my head is racing. I’ve had my meds but still my head is full of thoughts. It’s been an odd day by all accounts. I’ve had multiple photographs of my little man sent to me today from Granny C and with every ping I thought, jeez not another one. I looked at them all, and could see a beautiful little boy enjoying himself but i felt nothing. I don’t miss him right now and that scares the hell out me. It felt like getting photographs of a freinds child; you look but aren’t really bothered.
Staff in here often ask about him; “will he in today?, who’s looking after hum?, I bet you miss him etc”. I am a truely horrible mother. I feel the guilt though, that mum guilt that eats away at you when you think you should be doing better. I want to look after him, raise him surrounded by love and encouragment, but right now I can barely be in the same room as him. It’s the weirdest feeling and I don’t like it. He seems so happy and content without me.
And there’s that thought again; if i just killed myself now it would be easier on him. He would never have really known me.