118. Toddler tantrum or sensory meltdown?

Today has been ordinary.  It was my first day at home alone with Little man and in some ways it felt like I was never away. I am thankful for ordinary today. When I (eventaully) got up, I fixed breakfast, dressed Little man, put on a washing, did the dishes, made myself a cup of tea, and basically just fell back into the realities of motherhood.

My CPN came to see me at lunchtime.  I so needed to hear a sensible voice today. It was reassuring and I’m feeling supported which is good. Someone who isn’t pushing me to hurry up and get better.  Someone who listens to me in a non judgemental manner.  I really need that right now, and it’s good to know there’s a friedly voice available on the phone if I need it.

This afternnon I took Little man to the beach.  He loved it, and I did a little too. Things took a bit of downward spiral on our way home though.  He had a full blown meltdown.  My heart raced, my body became tense and uncomfortable and my stress and anxiety came flooding back.  The problem is I don’t know if this is just a difficult toddler tantrum or a sensory meltdown.  He was walking alongside me happily and then BAM!, sits down on ground, starts roaring and is completely inconsolable.  I waited calmly; it didn’t work, I picked him up; it didn’t work, I talked to him softly; it didn’t work, I tried to usher him along; it didn’t work, I hugged him, gave him space, gave him time, but nothing worked.  Eventaully I just had to hoist him over my shoulder and carry him home screaming and flailing around. Peppa pig brought him out of it when we got home.

I really can’t cope with these.  They make me feel inadequate, stressed, annoyed at him, guilty for being annoyed at him and generally just worthless. Also he weights a flipping tonne.

We’re home now though and all is relatively calm again. He’ll hit his usual evening grump stage soon.

Loopy x.

little man

117. Clarity of vision and leg rasies.

Despite struggling to get out of bed this morning, today has actually been a slightly more upbeat day. Another tick on my road to better mental health, was having my eyes tested today. I’ve been having headaches for months and I think it is down to eye strain.  My vision is 6/38.  Basically what the average person can see from 38 metres away, I can only see within 6 metres away.  Pretty poor really but for the first time in my life; there was a noticable difference with lenses. I can’t see any more lines on the chart but with lenses the letters became a little sharper.  So I’ve purchased glasses, with reactions lenses to help filter light and glare treatment to ease the strain when viewing computer screens. Hopefully this will be a positive move.  I’m also going to ask my GP for an opthalmologist referral so that I can be fully evaluated and properly registered in this country.

My little man also filled me with joy today.  He’s grown up so much whilst I’ve been away.  Now he loves to wrestle, be tossed around, be michievious and just generally play. I’ve enjoyed his company today which is a massive leap forward.  I’m also a little less concerned now about ASD, having spent much more time with him.  He certainly has his quirks and I want to get him reviewed but I’m more optimistic that he’s actually going to be fine.

On a different note, my slightly eleavated mood has given me the push to try the “Bring Sally Up” challenge.  This was mentioned to me; by my stalker (an excellant support worker) whilst I was still an inpatient.  Look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about.  I’d never heard of it either.

It’s one of those workouts that looks so simple but……………

I tried it first with push ups; EPIC FAIL!! (I’ve always been terrible at push ups)

I then did it with leg raises, and I could certainly feel it. I will continue with the leg raises for a while until my core is stronger. It’s a great little challenge though as you can do it with most excercises (sit ups, squats, planks, free weights etc etc).  It will only take around 3 minutes out of your day, and you get a decent work out.

I’m glad I’m ending today more upbeat and optimistic. Tomorrow will be my first day at home alone all day with Little man.  I’ve been dreading it since discharge but tonight it doesn’t seem so scary.

Keep it up Loopy.

Loopy x.


114. Struggling today.

My body is filled with lead today. The weather, grey and weepy, is a good reflection of my mood.  I neglected my son this mornig by staying in bed, even though he was awake in the next room (I threw some toys into his cot, and I could hear him clearly). I’m not fit to be a mother. I just didn’t want to get up.  I’m feeling tired and emotional.  I’ve still had no contact from my family which shows you just how much they appreciate the difficulties of mental ill health. OH is trying (went for blood tests today), but he lacks motivation and drive also.  He’s tired too.

After eventaully dragging myself up, I went to the GP to sort out my meds for the next few days.  They apparently hadn’t recieved my discharge summary, so I had to ring the ward. The familiar voice on the phone was pleasant, caring and upbeat.  I wish I was still in there. How pathetic is that? I’m feeling very alone out here.  The urge to burn is strong today.

It feels inevitable, that I will die by suicide someday.

Take your bike out Loopy, it always cheers you up.

Loopy x.

113.Thoughtfulness from an unexpected source.

Somtimes thoughtfulness showers us from an unexpected source. That’s exactly what happened to me today.  I’ve just arrived home from taking little man to soft play and on my doorstep I found a parcel. The parcel contained a beautiful bouqet of flowers from my boss and all my work colleagues.  I am truely touched by the gesture.  It’s nice to know that even though I have been physically absent, I have remained within their thoughts.

I’m quite nervous about the prospect of returning to work, but maybe it won’t be as daunting as I’ve imagined.

Loopy x.t


108. I’m glad you’re getting out; Fine!! but we’re not friends anymore.

It should be a joyous day but it is not.  I should be over the moon to be getting discharged today but I’m not.  Right now I want to stay in there forever.  My sister has just phoned me. Mum told her I’m out.  She has just phoned to be nasty and make things all about her; “Thanks for telling me you’re out!!, you never call me back, that’s fine, I’m glad you’re out but we’re not friends anymore and she hung up!!!!

What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to feel supported when on one of the most important days in my recent history, I get treated like that.

My depression hasn’t lifted, its still here..  I can’t cope with anything.  I guess things haven’t really changed.  I’m so lonely.

Loopy x.

107. Fresh air in my lungs!

Alot has happened today and I have begun to tick important things off my list in the search for better mental health.  I’ve had my brows and lashes tinted, booked a haircut, deleted work email from my phone and joined our local gym.

The day didn’t get off to the best start, with me forgetting to take my morning meds (oops, although I remembered around lunch time.) and then my CPN not showing up when I was expecting her (it was maybe because I’ve not been officially discharged yet, or also highly likely that I’ve mixed up the times).  Both little events left me feeling low. I’ve realised that I’m still very depressed and everything takes huge effort.

I did however decide to brave town today (I figured with the rain it may be a little quieter). I felt a little anxious and uneasy on the train surrounded by glaring eyes again, however a little debit card abuse (new clothes for little man as he has grown so much during my absence) cheered me up a little.

When I got home, I forced myself to go out on my bike (who’s name is Ariel by the way).  I need to shift this quetiapine weight!!!. For the first time in what seems like forever I could feel the sea breeze on my face and the freshest of air in my lungs. It definitely beats the tobacco stench of the psychiatric hospital yard.

I must promise to myself that I will continue to cycle. It was gusty and extremely difficult to pedal against the breeze (and my legs are still aching from bashing Wilson everyday) but it was also the tonic for my mental health that I needed today.  Coming back to the house I felt uplifted, more positive than I had been this morning, and more determined than ever to be discharged officially tomorrow.

Loopy x.


106. Back home by the fire.

I didn’t sleep much last night, thoughts of what would face me today raced through my head and in all honesty I was scared.  I got up arouund 8, had what will hopefully be my last ever slice of ice cold soggy toast and sat in the window sill by my room pondering what the day would bring.  My favourite HCA chatted with me, and put me at ease for a little while.  She had to go out with another patient though so once I was on my own again, my crappy head ran riot.

My psychologist found me sobbing in my room at 11 and we discussed my fears at the start of our session. I can’t really explain what the tears were about; I think just sheer fear of returing to the life that broke me in the first place, and the community mental health team that let me down before (although I have my own care co-ordinator now).  I was however reassured that I wouldn’t just be abandoned following discharge. The psychologist can offer me 3 outpatient appointments but she’s going to ask her boss if she can do a couple more.. I’ll find out on Wednesday when I go in for my final review.

This morning I didn’t want to leave but luckily, as it happens, after I asked about going home, I was left sitting around for hours for my TTO’s (meds to take home) to be written up.  During this agonising wait, other patients kicked off and were generally just difficult to be around.  Why on earth would I want to stay in a place with such unrest when I can be in my own home, with my own things and my own space.

By the time my TTO’s were written up, I was not exactly ready but definitetly determined to leave.  My favourite HCA had chatted with me again, gave me a reassuring hug and a little confidence boost. My named nurse who is also amazing, gave me my meds, another reassuring hug and much needed words of encouragment. They were both there for me today when I needed them most.

So with a knot in my stoamch and my last possesions on my back I headed off to the train station. It’s now bedtime, and I’ve found this evening o.k.  It still feels a little forced and sureal, and I can’t stop wondering what they’re upto on the ward.  My son however has showered me with hugs and kisses and has proven this evening that he missed me.  OH did as he had promised and saw a GP today, and sorted out his childcare vouchers.

I’m heading off to bed now, glad that I’ve been given some PRN to take home.  I’m not quite confortable here yet.  I do however realise that I can’t fix anything whilst I’m an inpatient.  Therefore I need to cope, because I need to be discharged on Wed as planned to set about altering my future for the better.

Loopy x.