95. Compassionate self.

This is something, I’m going to be working on in therapy. It’s so much easier to be compassionate towards others.  I went into full blown work (student support aspect) mode last night and spent over an hour listening to the woes of another patient in here.  I showed her lots of compassion, so much so that she thanked me for it this morning.

Why is it so difficult to show the same care towards ourselves.  At the moment I hate myself.  I hate the fact that I didn’t pick up on Little man’s potential difficulties sooner. I hate the fact that I’m in hospital not caring for him. I hate the fact that I’m failing as a mother and partner.  I hate the fact that I still feel suicidal.  What kind of selfish horrible person considers ending their life when they have a little man with potential ASD.  Who would fight for him if I were absent?? Not OH, he’d not push for anything.  Grandparents maybe, but he’d have less access to interventions in their countryside upbringing.  My head is so conflicted again.

So lets focus on my homework.  Focus on compassion.  I’ve been given a “developing compassion for yourself” stabilization pack.  I do love when these things are given a good acronym.  In this case; SAFE

So I’m going to be learning to have Sympathy for myself, Acceptance for my differences, Forgiveness for my mistakes and Empathy, in order to understand better my own feelings.

Lets see how this goes.

Loopy x.

91. Consumed with worry.

Today I’m freaking out.  I blogged yesterday about my hidden concerns that my little man is showing signs of autism.  Last night I questioned family specifically on the topic as they are looking after him right now.  My sister reaffirmed my suspicions.  They’ve also identified little ideosyncracies in him.

I am shaking as I write this.  My head is completely overwhelmed again.  On top of everything else going on in my life at the moment this is just alot to add. It has now become my main worry.

Could this expalin our difficulty bonding?  Should I have spotted this sooner????

I need to ring our health visitor asap.

Loopy x.

90. Mayday mayday, we’re going down.

I stated the day exhausted and hungover but mood wise I was pretty o.k.  However this past few hours I’ve been spiralling downwards.  I don’t really know why.  I’m feeling the need to self harm and I don’t really know why. I feel like I need to cry but I’m unable to.

I’ve been thinking alot about little man today, and something my mother said this morning; “he’s not walking on his toes anymore”.  I hadn’t noticed he’d been walking on his toes.  Had he really?  I’ve been worrying on and off this past few months that he’s been showing signs of autism and now this comment has sent my head into a whirlwind.  What if I’ve missed something really important, and not asked him to be checked out sooner.  I’ll have to grill family this evening on what he’s saying and doing etc. I’m worried now.  He’s been saying words and then not saying them, but then I haven’t seen him in weeks and when I was at home, let’s be honest he’s been in nursery all day.  I’m an absent, terrible mother.

I hope I’m wrong about this.

Loopy x.

87. Ripping off the band aid.

Today I had family leave.  Today was the day to rip off the band aid and return home.  Back to the sitting room and kitchen where around 6 weeks ago, I sat and wrote a suicide note, left out bowels of food and water for my dog, and consumed several packets of sleeping tablets.  I knew it would be difficult.

It felt odd being back there.  I was calm whilst there, made small talk with OH, drank tea, put the telly on and petted my dog. I held back my emotions whilst with OH but now that I’ve returned to the sanctuary of the ward, I’m struggling to process it all.

I can remember that day, and now, on one hand I feel tremedous guilt for almost putting OH and little man through all that, and on the other hand returning to some sort off normal life seems like an unsomountable mountain.

We face timed with litttle man whilst I was there and Granny has had his hair cut.  He looks completely different; all grown up.  I feel like I’m missing it all and there’s that terrible mother shame again. I also feel like our bond may be irreparable. I do love him though.  I just want the best for him and I don’t think having me as a mother is best.

I’ve put them all through so much already that I feel like a huge burden and It would be easier for everyone if I wasn’t around. I can tell OH is stressed.  Indeed I can tell both of our families are stressed, and it’s all my fault.

I’ve asked for PRN, and I’ve calmed alittle.

I guess tomorrow is another day, and I see my physcologist tomorrow.

Loopy x.

 

85. Less tired today.

I’ve been on a higher does of quetiapine now for 3 nights.  Sleep still eludes me but today I’m feeling less knocked out by the quetiapine.  I guess I’m starting to adjust. Today the overwhelming sensation is stress; which is a little easier to cope with than yesterdays suicidal ideation.  I have no desire to ligature today.

Despite being in hospital, I’m still having to organise everything. Contact nursery, pay bills and liaise with grandparents regarding the care of little man. My head is going to explode. It’s a tangible and all to familiar feeling. It’s like a physical squeezing on my head.

I’ve also pulled a leg muscle which is frustrating as it means I can’t kick Wilson as much as I need to.  How will I cope with the urges to self harm today? My mood is a little better though.

Loopy x.

84. Can’t hold myself up.

Today I’m weak, hungover and can barely stand.. Today I feel like I have no skeleton supporting me. Today I’ve cried into my pillow again and even during a check it went unnoticed.   Today I’m struggling to keep myself safe.  I wish someone would ask “Are you o.k?” and when I say “yup” know that I’m lying.  Know that I need to talk. Know that I’m screaming out for help today but no one can hear me.

Is it the higher dose of quetiapine doing this to me?

Loopy x.

83. Wading through mud.

I have no fight left.  I didn’t sleep last night.  I’m exhausted and have felt hungover all day. I’m dehydrated and I’m now sore from burning again.

There’s too many things to fix, to many obstacles to overcome. I can’t do it.  My heads going to explode. I’ve never wanted to ligature before coming in here.  Today it’s all I can think about.  Not to kill myself but just to pass out for a bit.  To get a little respite from this life.  I’m too tired to kick Wilson today.

I need to talk, but today I don’t have it in me to ask for help.

Loopy x.