So from week 1 in here it was pretty much agreed that I would benefit from psychology. It has taken forever, but today I finally met with one. It was both brilliant, as I felt comfortable talking with her, and terrible because I’d been feeling low today anyway and once you start talking about stuff it sort of opens up the floodgates.
I told her a little about my PTSD past and a little about how I feel towards my son. That was enough for today. It was draining. I then went back to my room, head racing and wept pretty uncontrollably for about 20 minutes. I dragged myself to lunch, took it back to my room and wept some more. I don’t know how I’m ever going to get through all this. I hate myself, I’m ugly, I’m (technically) disabled, I’m a terrible mother, I suck at my job and I don’t know why, but all the guilt I felt about that drowning experience (see the blue face post) has resurfaced and it’s showing itself everywhere.
To end on a positive though we have decided compassion focused therapy is the way to go. At least I feel like there might be some progress.
I couldn’t blog yesterday as our internet in here was down. It has only just been fixed. But I wanted to blog to document some progress. I’ve now been granted longer leave with family after my Psych review yesterday.
So myself and OH went out for lunch. Good old Frankie and Benny’s! Some of the awkwardness (that we seem to have been having lately around each other) dissipated, and we were relaxed in each others company. It was nice.
I did however fell guilty that there was no little man with us. Guilty because I didn’t miss not having him with us. Mum guilt is all consuming sometimes.
OH has just popped in for a vist and as such we thought it would be a good idea to facetime with little man who’s over with his Granny. Hiya Daddy! he exclaimed as he came to the phone. He’s never called me Mum or mummy of anything like that and it shouldn’t upset me, but it does.
Little man is doing so well with his gulladuff grandparents at the moment that I know he’d be o.k if I left him now. I’m no good for him, and I feel like he hates me. He’s not even 2 yet but he doesn’t show me the same enthuasism that he seems to show Daddy, and I think that’s because he doesn’t like me very much.
Feeling quite suicidal right now. Definately feeling the urge to self harm. I should really speak to someone.
I’ve just caught myself humming and whistling to myself. That for me is a very positive sign. I whistle when I’m happy going about doing things. I get that from my granny. She used to whistle when she was doing house chores.
The sun is out today; lets hope clear skies also occupy my head,
it’s nearly 12am and my head is racing. I’ve had my meds but still my head is full of thoughts. It’s been an odd day by all accounts. I’ve had multiple photographs of my little man sent to me today from Granny C and with every ping I thought, jeez not another one. I looked at them all, and could see a beautiful little boy enjoying himself but i felt nothing. I don’t miss him right now and that scares the hell out me. It felt like getting photographs of a freinds child; you look but aren’t really bothered.
Staff in here often ask about him; “will he in today?, who’s looking after hum?, I bet you miss him etc”. I am a truely horrible mother. I feel the guilt though, that mum guilt that eats away at you when you think you should be doing better. I want to look after him, raise him surrounded by love and encouragment, but right now I can barely be in the same room as him. It’s the weirdest feeling and I don’t like it. He seems so happy and content without me.
And there’s that thought again; if i just killed myself now it would be easier on him. He would never have really known me.
So what are obs’? Well obs’ in here are really how often staff check on you to make sure you’re not doing something self destructive. I’ve just had a chat with our nurse; a big step for me. Why did I do it? I did it because today I feel extremely low, the same feelings I had 4 weeks ago when I OD’d. I can’t really put into words those feelings but as we chatted, she commented that I need to survive if not for myself then for my family (I’m badly paraphrasing).
The trouble is those words meant nothing to me. I do off course think about the repercussions my suicide would have, but today (and I know this is selfish), I do not care. My desire to leave this world is greater than my guilt for those left behind. I off course think of my son. These past few weeks have taught me though, that he would be very well loved and looked after in my absence. He deserves more than what I can give.
I’m in a little protected bubble in this place, not the same level of stressors or responsibilities or societal expectations, that I’ll have once again when I leave.
I’m a horrible person.
I’m seriously on the brink of smashing a window, or chucking furntiture about. It’s seems to be the only way to get staff to talk to you in here. They make the promises of leave and then off course someone kicks off, gets all thier attention and you’re left to wallow alone.
I feel so fucking alone. I want out, just for a walk by myself to clear my head, just to get away from the mumblings, the constant belching of other patients and the chaos. I’ve had a video sent to me off my son at home with Granny C and it’s upset me. I’m feeling so useless as a mother.
But as usual when I knock on the office door, I get ignored. They don’t even look up from their computer screens, I knock again and yup still ignored………… I’m not the type to shout or get angry at them, but it may have to start.
My head is absolutely racing and I want to burn. I just need space, 15 minutes of space……..