Category: pregnant

495. Deranged.

Oh my goodness, what a fortnight I’ve had. Little baba is 2 weeks old today!! He arrived 5 weeks early, by emergency C-Section. I’m not being dramatic, we both could have died.

I’d been feeling really really unwell for weeks. I’d had iron infusions that did nothing for my extreme fatigue, and I had an oral glucose tolerance test that proved I wasn’t diabetic, despite my insane thirst. And I do mean insane! 3 litres, 4 litres, 5 litres and more! Nothing would quench my thirst. I was tight chested, out of puff, sore everywhere! I was starting to think it was long COVID. No one was really listening.

Then the itch started, followed shortly after by little pink spots breaking out on my hands and arms. Throw in some right side abdomen pain, ferocious Brixton hicks and oh yes!, I knew something was wrong, and as my consultant wasn’t listening, I rang my GP. He was great to be fair and quickly organised a barrage of blood tests. Early the next day, I got the call. “Loopy your liver and kidney results are deranged.

Deranged was a term I’d hear a lot over the next few days. Here’s what it meant. My kidneys and liver were struggling, working overdrive, values through the roof. The GP had queried HELLP syndrome, but the conclusion was probably even marginally worse. I was diagnosed with acute fatty liver in pregnancy. It’s all a bit of a haze, but baby needed to come out now!

At 6.44pm two weeks ago today little man no 2 was delivered. It was scary. He wasn’t breathing, moving or crying. He was deadly silent and all we could do was wait. It felt like forever, but the fantastic team did their magic and suddenly a little squishy tiny baby man was plonked on my chest. The rest of that day, the next few days in fact is hazy.

12 days in the nicu, and now on the children’s ward, we’re getting ready for home. I only spent my first night with him last night. It was bizarre and beautiful. Lots of questions still to be answered, lots of blogs to come.

We’d planned this birth meticulously. It wasn’t going to be traumatic. It was going to be special, controlled, calm. Nothing ever goes to plan!

For now though, he’s getting stronger every day, he’s stolen my heart and he’s my little warrior.

Loopy x

494. Times going too fast.

I’m booked in to deliver baby on Sept 22nd. I’m not ready! I’m freaking out! I don’t want to do this!

I’ve been prepping. Washing little mans old baby clothes, buying new stuff, sorting a crib, new car seat, cleaning our old travel system, buying little toys, food prep essentials, cute blankets, cute hats and off course hospital bag essentials. You’d think this would bring me some joy, some excitement, anything….. but it doesn’t. I’m like a robot going through the drill, but I’m really dreading it all. Right now I want him out of my belly, but not back to my house. How awful is that?

I’ve had multiple scans and I fight back tears at every single one. I look at the screen but I don’t want to. I listen to the doc explain positions, heartbeat and healthy signs but I just want them to shut up.

I don’t want to be a mum anymore. I just don’t think I can. I’m exhausted, I’m scared and I’m not ready.

Oh shit!!!

Loopy x

493. I’m bringing sexy back!!

Oh sweet jesus, I’m literally about to explode! I’ve like 8 weeks still to go!!!

Everything hurts and I mean EVERYTHING!!

I’ve had 2 iron infusions for my anaemia but I’m not feeling any benefit. I’m bloody miserable

Loopy

487. The anomaly scan

Today was our big 20 week scan. These are always a bit nerve wracking, more so today than with my first. I think I had talked myself into the notion that something must be wrong. After all the stuff I’ve been up to, and with depression and meds etc, I was just worried. I’ve also not been feeling any movements which I certainly should be by now, given it’s a 2nd baby.

Well the first thing we saw was a very active little baba, punching away and kicking, and pouting. It is certainly moving. Then we did the usual; heart, head, kidneys, spine etc and I’m happy to report that all looks as it should. What a weight lifted!!

Now the big reveal…………………………………….

It’s a boy!!

Mum and sis are just a little disappointed, but I’m delighted to be honest. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m far from a girly girl, more content with footballs, tools and nerf guns!!

Another little man, 🙂

Loopy x

486. A night off meds.

I’m home, I’m coping (outwardly anyway) and my little man has completely showered me with hugs and kisses and spontaneous outburst of; “my love you mammy”. Little man has been frigging wonderful, a true tonic for my sadness and doubts. His bond is real, and strong and full of love. I must be doing something right after all…

Baba though, oh you little bugger!! I have to say the growing bump, the regular scans and the family excitement is finally bringing me a little joy. Some hope, some excitement and dare I say it, some confidence.

The sickness though, jeez will it ever go away.? O.k it has lessened but last night I projectile vomited just before bed. Unfortunately that included my nighttime meds. Wow what a massive impact that had! I couldn’t sleep and when I did dose I’d immediately wake up with terrors. Very random, very scary dreams. Even OH confirmed I’d been swearing. As for my mood, it plummeted, and has stayed very low all day. I’ve been in bed, I’ve been crying and for the first time since leaving hospital, I’ve felt suicidal.

How scary is that? How can one missed dose of nighttime meds have such a devastating impact or was it just coincidence? Whatever, I’m glad this day is done.

To end on a positive note, I had a frigging excellent psychologist in hospital and his work has stuck with me, more than any other. I can hear him (not I) challenging my negative thoughts or at least prompting me to. To be honest I kinda wish I had recorded him :), but anyway….

Loopy be proud, you got up today, dressed and fed little man, showered him with love and walked him to school. You really really wanted to self harm, but you fought it and resisted, and finally you rang a friend to check how she keeping (even though she didn’t answer), and you know you’ll ring again.

Little steps Loopy, little steps…..

Loopy x

481. Jelly bean

Well there’s defo one in there. I had my 12 week scan and so far all appears healthy.

Why am I not happy? Why can I not enjoy this? How can I be so cold and detached?

Loopy x

475. Awake

It’s almost 2 am and I’m wide awake. Nauseous, puking, shivering and miserable.

I have a drawer full of diazepam and oh boy am I craving them, lots of them!!! Not to die or anything but just to zone out and sleep

I won’t touch them…….

Tomorrow I’ll call my gp begging for antiemetics oh and a 3rd round of antibiotics. I have had a friggin UTI the whole pregnancy and it just won’t F off!!!! 😦

Loopy x

474. Early Grey’s

So much better than later Grey’s. I’m back binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. I do this every year or two, usually when my moods erratic. It’s like comfort food and since I can’t enjoy any actual food at the minute, I thought feck it, bring out McDreamy!

Maybe he could re-wire my nausea medullary centres, and no that’s not a euphemism. I’m soooooooo sick of feeling….and being sick…..

Loopy x

472. Scary thoughts

I’m done with this pregnancy. It’s a horrible thing to say, but I don’t think I want another child. I won’t cope with 2. I’m already terrible looking after 1.

I’m thinking about suicide. I don’t think I could ever harm an unborn child though. I’m feeling trapped, and scared…..and alone.

Loopy x

470. Opening the flood gates.

I’m crying a lot. Everything is upsetting me and I can feel my bouts of rage returning. I’ve been tapering off my meds. I’m afraid they’ll harm bump, but I’m now starting to worry that I might harm bump and me…..I’m very low tonight.

On a positive note though, I’m also laughing again. I’d kind off lost that ability over the past few years. Mood stabilisers don’t just dull the lows, they also rob you off joy. I used to be a proper belly laugher, finding comedies and comedians hilarious, but the drugs slowly robbed me of that. So even though the lows are coming back, so are the belly laughs.

Right Loopy go and find a comedy to watch!

Loopy x