It’s a tough week. I’ve coped relatively well with life and work stessors of late. Tonight though I’m sobbing, uncontrollably sobbing. I’ve binged, I’ve purged, I’ve binged and purged some more I’m eating orlistat like smarties and all I want to do is burn.
The best therapist I’ve ever had, the one who’s guided me so carefully and expertly, the one who takes no shit, the one who intervenes so annoyingly at times, the one who frustrates the hell out of me, the one who I frigging love and not in a creepy sister/ mother transference way, the one who is just fucking excellent at her job, the one I needed,…………………is leaving……………………….
Suddenly I’m 20m under water again. I’m gasping, im panicking, my chest is tight, I can’t breathe…..
Right loopy, get of this phone….. Quick what can you see? What can you hear?
Doughnuts, choclate, liquorice allsorts, mini gems, and 3 cans of coke! I just couldn’t stop!
I suppose ive been restricting my diet for quite long now, and I’ve finally caved, in spectacular fashion. I feel gross.
Stomach huge, and my throat is raw. Its quite a low point forcefully purging behind a locked toilet door, whilst your 6 year old gleefully converses with you about minecraft from the other side. I’m a quiet purger, a skill I’ve mastered well, but the shame is awful. The regret, the disguist, the anger at myself for caving.
Nope that’s not a typo. I like this brand, and have had success with it before.
New year, new body-the usual blah blah blah. Better starting point this year though, not the same level of weight gain to banish.
I’ve run out of orlistat, and I’ve decided not to re order anymore. I’m also resisting the urge to write negative, self esteem bashing blog posts and should I relent then I must at least include some positivity too. The recovery continues!!
I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want the therapy. I don’t want to talk about my insecurities. I don’t want to expose myself anymore. I want to quit counselling.
She’s lovely, but I want to run. I want to hide and I want to stay silent. I can’t do it JUST LEAVE ME ALONE
I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. I’m too pathetic. Can we just stop. I need to stop!!
It feels too raw, too uncomfortable, too hard.
I’ve never really felt like this in therapy before. Is it just too much now, whilst being a new mum. Am I already spinning too many plates or am I just scared? Scared of failure at it, scared of being silently judged, scared off saying too much……or too little.
Wow 500 posts, I can’t believe it. I never knew when I started a few years ago that I’d still find blogging cathartic. I know people read it, but it’s very much a blog for me. I dump my thoughts here, some of which I could never say out loud.
So what shall I talk about in my 500th post?
Sorry followers I know we’re all sick of it, but it has to be COVID. See getting dangerously I’ll, having a child and recovering from a C-section isn’t quite enough for me. I thought I’d catch covid too….
Bloody hell, what timing!! It’s all the in-laws fault! After 2 odd years of escaping this thing, I finally got a positive notification this morning. It’s spreading through the family and I became unwell over the weekend. Fingers crossed it doesn’t floor me. More importantly, fingers crossed it doesn’t hurt my little men.
I am worried about bubs, but what can you do? We’ve stocked up on Calpol.
So far I’ve experienced what feels like a bad head cold. I had a fever yesterday, but it’s gone today. Sore head, ears, throat and a cough. Some chills and muscle aches. Feeling a bit better today in comparison with yesterday. I hope that’s it.