265. Quarantined

Poor Wi-Fi signal has hampered blogging from my latest abode. I swore blind I would be different. I would never darken the halls of another psychiatric unit, yet here I lie on a single bed once more imprisoned by my flipping head, and an inability to cope with its latest storm.

Just to add insult to injury I’ve been floored by a vomiting bug. A bug that so far, only I have caught.

So for now I guess, I’ll just focus on not vomiting.

Loopy x

264. It’s not that simple.

The doc in here is too black and white. “You need a plan loopy” “you need to quit something”

He’s not seeing “me”. I’m so much more than just an over tired working mum. I’m a self loathing mess, crippled with self hatred and self doubts. I have a complex past that has shaped who I am today. I am not black and white I am different shades of grey.. only grey.

They’re all dying to discharge me. They can’t see what I and my CPN can see, I need more help. I need to be moved to the ward with the clock. They had more empathy, more compassion and gave more of themselves to understanding “me”

Having said that, I’m being unfair. The staff do try but I’m not comfortable enough yet to open up.

I need to ligature. If I’m lucky, I’ll pass out.

Loopy x

258. Propranolol.

I was shocked to be honest, when I picked up my new meds. I saw a psychiatrist today, and whilst increasing my venlafaxine, she added propranolol. Why was I shocked? I now have boxes of the stuff, over a grams worth. A potentially lethal dose.

I asked her how to stop the zopiclone. Her response; go cold turkey!! She won’t prescribe me more than 5 days worth at 7 mg. Which is really two days worth given my recent consumption. The goal posts have moved. My regular psych was more understanding on this front. My CPN has even said, maybe now is not the time. Do they not share notes?

My current cocktail is;

Venlafaxine 150mg am, 75mg pm. Quietiapine 100mg am, 200 mg pm. Mirtazapine 45mg pm. Propranolol 20 mg am and 20 pm.

I also have a little stash of zopicline, all prescribed, but not yet touched.

It’s too many pills. I wish someone would mind them for me. I’m too impulsive right now.

OH and little man are home. OH is working tomorrow. I have a day of house viewings (potential buyers) and a toddler caught in the grips of the terrible two’s.

Loopy x

257. A crisis.

I hung up on her. It was so cruel of me. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was done. I’d tested the cord, until my head thumped, and then i released.

I frantically tried to call her back, got through on the stepped up care number, to be told you need to ring reception!! I couldn’t get through. 10 minutes later and two individuals with official lanyards appeared at my door.

The guy shared a name with my son. I can’t help but feel that, that was deliberate. They talked at me, went for a walk with me, and promised me I’d get more help.

I have an urgent psych appointment tomorrow. I don’t know how they can help me.

I’m dreading seeing my CPN. I wonder will she dump me now? I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I never intended to cause her any stress, but I think I did.

Loopy x

256. It’s all in my head?

Today, I phoned for my blood test results. I had a full work up. The voice on the line said; “yes they’re all normal”

I don’t understand. I don’t believe her. I want to see the numbers and rhe the eeferenxe ranges. I don’t know how this is possible. I was sure they’d indicate some physcal deficiency. I’d hoped for it. Something we could “treat” to make me feel better.

Most people would be thrilled to get the all clear. I’m devastated.

I don’t understand…….

Is it all in my head?

Loopy x

247. Zopiclone!

I’m a little surprised really. They’ve prescribed me 42 zopiclone x 3.75mg and they know I already have some in my possession. Once again I am finding myself with to many pills. Tonight will be my first night on a reduced dose; 10.5mg and a promethazine to fill the void. Not exactly a break for my liver.

My blood pressure, is normal, well the nurse said normal. Actually it’s just a little high at 126/80, and definitely higher than “my normal”.

I’m still a wreck. Physically really unwell (nausea, pounding headaches and full of tremors) and emotionally totally drained. A phone call with my GP today has at least resulted in blood tests. She’s asking for the full works, but it will be a whole week before I can see a phlebotomist.

I need the tests now!

Loopy x

244. The playlist.

Last night at the gym, I hit play on my “insane” playlist. These were the tunes that I had listened to daily whilst confined to a psych ward.

As I pumped hard on the cross trainer my mind travelled back to that place and honestly I longed to be there again. Just for a night or two, just to get a break from reality and life. Just to be surrounded with amazing support staff and nurses who care and listen, and nurture.

There are some I’d love to chat with again, some I need to tell me off, and others I just want back in my life.

I can see why people, go in and out. I can understand the desires to self harm sufficiently to be ‘re-incarcerated.” I can understand why in lieu of a proper suicide attempt, it could be tempting. It could be one more try at finding the help you need.

Just a few nights to escape, to force me to give up sleeping pills, to ban me from self harming and comfort me while I do.

Not going to happen though

Loopy x.