Category: recovery

460. Happy New Year

I know for many that this year has been really tough. I know that loneliness and isolation have taken there toll.

I’m thankful though, for Covid Not for the illness or for lives tragically lost . I’m thankful for the opportunities it gave me. I’m thankful for my extra time with little man. Time that strengthened our relationship and bond. Time that built my confidence with him.

I’m thankful for the working from home. It enabled me to cope, to function just enough to fulfill my role. No commuting pressure, shorter days, and the ability to just hide away.

As I ring in 2021, I’m lying here with my little man beside me. I love him, and he loves me.

Don’t be scared off 2021 loopy, just be thankful.

Happy new year everybody. Stay safe and if you can, just for a moment, be thankful.

Loopy x

457. Tastelife session 4

I blog during the intervals. But first I ran down stairs for some comfort food. I need it!!

The drawing above is an iceberg we were asked to sketch down. They’re a big fan of journaling. Below the surface are my instant thoughts about what might have led to my disordered eating. Note I’m a comfort eater.

It’s a bit scrawled so I’ll type them here.

1. I feel ugly.

2. Someone died because off me.

3. Mum wanted “normal” children.

4 . Thin is good, fat is bad.

5. I’m a terrible mum.

6. Fat albinos look worse than thin ones.

7. When I purge more, I burn less (oh that ones caught me off guard!, dunno where that came from.)

8. Thinner feels better.

I’m exhausted, it feels very raw and it’s bedtime now. Oh I’d love some zopiclone!! Or a burn, or a purge or all of these things. I think I have a sneaky box off Z’s somewhere.

On a final note, and this might offend some, which is not my intent, but they’ve been pushing “faith’ again this week. It spurts from their mouths sporadically, and everyone except me seems to be receptive to it. It’s making me feel like the “black sheep”

We were asked to think off someone we’d love to meet or go on a walk with. My head was screaming; the founder of the theory of evolution. But his name escaped me. Off course; Charles Darwin!! You know this Loopy, but it’s probably best that you forgot. I said nothing…….

Loopy x 😦

455. Tastelife session 2.

I’m back at the eating disorder course this week. Posting now at the interval.

We just watched a video of someone’s story. I felt really bad for the girl but then she talked about hearing Jesus and finding faith. It has turned me right off the course. I don’t mean to offend anyone, and if that’s truely her story fine, but why oh why do all these courses bring up *faith* in some guise or another.

She did finish with 3 top tips.

1. Have a friend. A friend with full honesty. Someone you can talk too.

2. Fill life with other things.

3. Learn to look after yourself. Be kind to yourself.

These are good tips in fairness. On point 1 I’ve failed. Far far too ashamed to share this wi;th anyone remotely close. On point 2 I’m not great either. When I bring in other things it’s gets obsessive and often detrimental. 3, oh how many times in community and hospital settings have I heard those words. I wish it were so simple.

Now feeling awkward and uneasy I’m scoffing down a caramel tartlet. How can I write off these calories?

Loopy x

450. Neglect

I’m an awful, awful AWFUL parent. I’m not sleeping, I’m tired and I’m short tempered. Today has been hell! It started with pure child neglect on my part. Little man was coughing so couldn’t go to preschool.

He got up at his usual 7am. OH was working, and I was in bed. Little man took himself downstairs. I could hear him, as all the doors were open, but I could not muster any energy to join him. I’m not sleeping. I’ve been zopiclone free now for almost two weeks. we briefly tried temazepam, but then we switched to prazosin. It’s prescribed off label for PTSD type presentations, to supposedly aid with sleep. It does fuck all.

Anyway about half 8 I dragged myself downstairs and little man, who is only 3 (nearly 4) had made his own breakfast, poured a bowel of cornflakes, added some milk, and successfully chopped up strawberries and blueberries with a sharp knife from our kitchen drawer. To be fair the mess was minimal, the chopped up fruit were fine, and there were no severed fingers or anything.

I felt sad though, worthless, unprotective, uncaring, and neglectful. My 3 year old is more capable and self sufficient than me at the moment. He deserves better. He needs someone other than me in his life. I’m going to damage him. I’ve already damaged him.

You’d think that such a stark realisation this morning, would spur me on to do better, for the rest off the day. You’d think I’d play with him, give him love and care, but no. Today I couldn’t stand to be around him. Today every laugh, or shout or cry for attention grated on me terribly. Today I fobbed him off with good old parent iPad.

I just want him to go to bed now. I want him to shut up. I want the noise to stop!!!

I can’t face another day tomorrow.

Loopy x

449. Diazepam is safe.

I know myself well enough now, to know that it’s not good when my head goes to these places. Diazepam is safe, frustratingly safe. I know this, because I’ve been searching. Frantically trawling for the LD50’s (a dose that would be lethal for 50% of the people who take it).

I’ve been searching as my get out plan. I’ve been searching because I have tonnes of the stuff in my drawer. I’ve been searching because I feel odd. I feel incapable of ever ditching my zopiclone dependence. The
Temapezam is giving me night terrors and awful headaches. Tomorrow I will be begging to have my zopiclone back.

Work is getting done, but very slowly and I can feel the pressure squeezing in on me. I’m forgetting loads. My head is just not retaining stuff. Names that I should know, escape me. Tasks that I should do, get forgotten. Meetings that i should attend pop up in reminders 3 days after the event. “Oh crap, I’ve missed another one!!

Little man is doing well, but that’s in spite off me, not because of any good parenting on my part. Take him away OH, just take him away.

So yeah, Diazepam is safe. Huge amounts can leave no serious ill effects, if caught. Diazepam is safe

Unless you combine it with alcohol………………..

Loopy x

448. Withdrawel.

It turns out that my latest key worker/care coordinator is pretty good. I like her. She’s the first I’ve really like since moving home.

Anyway, she arranged a psych/meds review. I was asked the usual question. What would help you, what do you want to get out of this?

The drugs!!! I blurted out. I need to sort the drugs. So I’ve been switched from zopiclone to temazepam at night.

It’s only been 4 nights, but please please PLEASE, I need my zopiclone back. The temazepam gives me jitters, headaches and is no good for sleep.

The 10mg in comparison with the 18.75 of zopiclone, is just not cutting the mustard. I’m all tense, and anxious and jittery during the day. I’m regretting asking for the change

Plus swapping a z drug for a benzo isn’t exactly progress really, is it

In other news, I’ve found a lump. Off to the breast clinic this week. The Joy’s 😦

Loopy x

447. Counselling.

I’m back in counselling. 6 sessions I’ll get and then will just stay on the waiting list for proper psychology. I like her, which is good. I instantly liked her, but she’s set me some homework.

1.Practice mindfulness when you’re not stressed. Practice everyday!!

2. Notice what anxiety feels like in your own body. What does it do to you?

I’ve failed on point 1 today, I’ve not practised. On point two, my mouth dries like the Sahara, my mind bounces from thought to thought irrationally, my chest and jaw tighten and I twitch. Lots of little involuntary muscle spasms.

Loopy x

446. Face to face again.

I’m a lecturer in case you’ve not been a long time follower. I’m a socially anxious, highly self conscious, paranoid being, but I took up this profession when my confidence was high. It’s odd really, walking into the room, I’ll feel a thousand eyes on me, my body will be trembling, and then I’ll do my little routine. Log in to the pc, take a sip off water as I stroll around my “stage” all non chalant. I’ll gaze at the crowd as if I’m counting them, but I’m not really.

Then boom; “ok folks we’ll make a start” it’s my usual opener, and something odd happens. My work persona kicks in and I act my ass off. I act confident and knowledgeable, I act professional and calm. I’ll field questions with a smile and speak happily with those odd few who always stay behind to probe further. I’ll get through it, and once done, I’ll take a huge breath and steady myself, for real this time. A cup of tea will be needed.

Tomorrow’s a short module intro talk, but I’ve not been in front off a crowd like this since March. Tonight I’m feeling grotesquely fat, ugly all over, and paranoid they’ll quickly realise I’m a mess. Time to hit the gym hard again. Time to up my Orlistat.

Thank goodness most of my teaching this year is remote. Just get through tomorrow loopy.

Let’s get some sleep, 15mg tonight I think, you’ve an early star

Loopy x

445. Mortality

I’m going to die young.

Regular self burning , will one day give me skin cancer. The repeated damage and neglectful care, don’t help. With skin cancer though, I guess you have a fighting chance.

Then there’s my drug use, prescribed (although I’m forgetful with it) and the non prescribed. Taking higher doses of zopiclone nightly and now using my built up stash of Valium to manage stress {work mostly] and sometimes to help stay calm with little man

The problem with all these drugs, is they are processed by our livers and our kidneys. The liver may at least fight back a little being our only organ that can regenerate itself. Let’s face it though I’m on a path to cirrhosis and renal failure. The other problem with all these meds, is their longer term effects on the nervous system. Gradual decline in nerve function, memory loss and neurodegeneratiin await.

Did I mention the Orlistat? (now that’s my pancreas gone}, and the purging. It’s sooo harsh on my guts, my oesophagus and throat. Oesophageal and colon damage, and disordered eating won’t help my nutrition state. I just crave carbs!!

To sum up, I’m always tired and am full off aches and pains, and the colour off my pee is concerning. I’m muddling along with all those things but they will kill me……..

I’m comfortable with dying young. That’s the saddest thing off all.

Loopy x

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441. Getting desperate!!

I’m frantically searching uk websites for pills. I’m-desperately trying to find a legit pharmacy that’s flouting the rules. I need to feed my habit.

India is calling, but I can’t go there again. Don’t do it loopy.

DON’T DO IT. I need help……..

Loopy x