I can’t stop crying…
Today we emptied our house and shipped all our stuff home before we follow on Thursday.
Right now I can’t stop crying. I’m crying because I’m still depressed. I’m crying because I’m having really strong suicidal urges and I’m crying because it doesn’t matter where we move to… my head will follow us.
I feel absolutely hopeless.
Today I had my last appointment with my current CPN. C has been absolutely fantastic this past few months and I’m very sad to be losing her.
She has organised my transfer of care and given me copies of all the necessary paperwork. I actually have an appointment with my new CMHT next Monday. God I hope they’re as good as my current one.
I really wish I could take C with me.
Today was good. Best I’ve felt in a while. We took little man on his bike to a forest which he loved and off course we got to do some “forest bathing”.
We followed this up with a trip to the local ice cream store and we all happily munched on banana and bubblegum flavoured goodness as we basked in sunshine.
Right now, I’ve just come back from a bike ride. Tonight it was not to burn calories, it was not aggressively attacked, it was purely for enjoyment….. and it worked.
I need more of these days.
Two solo and one with little man on board.
Why 3? Because I’m fat, that’s why!! Disgustingly fat!
I might do 4 tomorrow.
Next week we are leaving our current house to move home to live with OH’s parents for a while. I’m nervous.
I’ll be under thr care of a new CMHT and the most daunting part of this for me, is that I’ll be losing my wonderful CPN. I’m gutted. When I find care providers that I like, I must admit that I do get very attached.
I was gutted losing L months ago, but C stepped in and for this past few months she’s been my rock. She’s supported me before, during and after my latest hospital admission. She’s talked with me, laughed with me and honestly has simply been frigging amazing!
She’s had a huge impact on my life, and I’ll miss her terribly. These losses never get any easier.
Or I just can’t live full stop…….
We’ve been home now for a couple of days. When I say home, I actually mean with OH’s parents in their house. This is where we’re moving to, in a matter of weeks, in an attempt to get more support, ease the pressure on us, and ultimately to create a better life for us all.
Here’s the problem though, I HATE IT… I don’t know how I’m going to live here. I don’t know how to feel at home, or just feel at ease.
I HATE IT. I’m desparate to get back to our own little house, where I can hide away and not have to interact with people. I’m desperate to be alone.
I’m struggling with little man, and I’m angry that OH appears to be exhausted and tired all the time. I thought his role as a prison officer was to blame, but nope it’s Little man.
Neither of us are any good at this. I’m unable to sleep again. I’m craving pills and I’m fat as all hell.
The last time I saw my little man in the flesh, was as I waved goodbye to him at the psych hospital door. It has been 11 weeks and although I’ve face timed him, I’m not sure how he will receive me tomorrow.
I can’t wait to hug him, and tell him that I love him, but I’m also terrified that our bond is irreparably broken.
I feel like I abandoned him (again). I feel like he was happy during my absence and thus would be better off without unstable me in his life. I feel so much guilt, for almost leaving him permanently during my last dumb overdose. I really could have died, and yet sitting here now waiting for what tomorrow will bring, I’m craving sleeping pills, or self harm, or………. something to stop my racing head. I need better coping mechanisms. I need help.
My little man deserves a better mum. I hope, with all my heart that I can be just that…….
What if I fail again?