486. A night off meds.

I’m home, I’m coping (outwardly anyway) and my little man has completely showered me with hugs and kisses and spontaneous outburst of; “my love you mammy”. Little man has been frigging wonderful, a true tonic for my sadness and doubts. His bond is real, and strong and full of love. I must be doing something right after all…

Baba though, oh you little bugger!! I have to say the growing bump, the regular scans and the family excitement is finally bringing me a little joy. Some hope, some excitement and dare I say it, some confidence.

The sickness though, jeez will it ever go away.? O.k it has lessened but last night I projectile vomited just before bed. Unfortunately that included my nighttime meds. Wow what a massive impact that had! I couldn’t sleep and when I did dose I’d immediately wake up with terrors. Very random, very scary dreams. Even OH confirmed I’d been swearing. As for my mood, it plummeted, and has stayed very low all day. I’ve been in bed, I’ve been crying and for the first time since leaving hospital, I’ve felt suicidal.

How scary is that? How can one missed dose of nighttime meds have such a devastating impact or was it just coincidence? Whatever, I’m glad this day is done.

To end on a positive note, I had a frigging excellent psychologist in hospital and his work has stuck with me, more than any other. I can hear him (not I) challenging my negative thoughts or at least prompting me to. To be honest I kinda wish I had recorded him :), but anyway….

Loopy be proud, you got up today, dressed and fed little man, showered him with love and walked him to school. You really really wanted to self harm, but you fought it and resisted, and finally you rang a friend to check how she keeping (even though she didn’t answer), and you know you’ll ring again.

Little steps Loopy, little steps…..

Loopy x

480. 1 to 1

I was admitted to hospital on Wednesday. I’m on a 1 to 1. I’m also in isolation until I get 2 negative Covid swabs. I’m feeling pretty crappy.

Not much else to say really. Might not get for my scan next week now. Not sure how I feel about that. I want to see if bump is dead or alive I guess. I have this horrible feeling it’s dead.

I wish they’d let me self harm. Just a little.

Loopy

479. Crisis resolution and home treatment team

I met with the crisis team today. I’ll be honest I favoured the possibility of a hospital admission. It was an option, but instead we opted for home treatment.

I now have a 24hr number that I can call, I’ll get a phone call in the morning and an appointment tomorrow.

All I have to do is keep myself safe until that call tomorrow, or ring them if I’m struggling.

Just get through the night loopy…

Loopy x

477. Breathe…..

The pressure starts in the crinkle on my nose between my eyes. It builds and moves to my head and my ears and I begin to hear pounding, louder and louder and LOUDER. Sometimes my ears feel hot, but not always. Finally it spreads to my lips and I can almost feel them swell. I can still breathe but it’s laboured…..and then I release………

It’s actually a little painful when I do, but then comes the rush of relief…mild euphoria.

I don’t know why I’m doing it, I don’t know what I get from it, and I don’t know why I want to do it again, but I do….

I don’t tie it, so even if I were to pass out, my hands would drop and it would fall away. It’s escalating though. I’ve done this in hospital, and rarely but occasionally at home. Today it’s all I can think about.

It always starts in the crinkle of my nose……….

Loopy x

473. I’m absent anyway.

My boys love me, but they don’t need me. The heartiest of laughs is usually heard when I’m not in the room, but listening from afar. OH does the dressing, feeding, bathing etc 90% of the time anyway. I don’t contribute fairly. I’m useless.

It’s funny how a few fleeting thoughts can become an obsession. What drugs do I have? How much do I need? When should I take them? It plays over and over and over relentlessly.

My head is a frigging wreck.

Loopy x

464. A bit of a scare.

I spent all day yesterday throwing my guts up. I’m telling people it was a bug. I don’t believe that to be true. I upped my Saxenda dose prematurely and I think that’s the culprit.

It was awful, like the worst hangover I’ve ever had. Vomiting, sweating, chills, dehydration, headache: the works!

It has scare me a little. Maybe I need a new approach or maybe I just need to go slower with the dosing.

Starting to feel a little better, I’ve turned to lucozade, and KFC. I always crave KFC when I feel like crap. There goes my diet!

Loopy x

463. Live again.

My site was down and I had no idea. I was wondering why I’d been having no views. Was just about to quit writing, but it’s now sorted.

I don’t really blog for others, it’s a personal mental space for me to express my thoughts safely and anonymously. But not having readers, felt disappointing. I don’t know why. I guess you lot are my sounding board and it only works if I feel I’m being heard. It doesn’t matter who, just someone.

So now fixed, I shall continue.

Biggest thought today, is that I need to increase my Saxenda dose. I’ve started walking, but it’s not enough. I’m fat and need to fix it.

I’m also in a constant state of really wanting to end my life. But I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I’m out walking, I think go on Loopy, jump in front off a car. At least that might look like an accident. When I get home again, I think off the driver, the potential impact that could have, but if my family thought I died from an accident, would it be any easier on them?

Jumping in front off cars is no easy feat, I bottle it every time. Drug overdoses are easier, but not guaranteed. Hanging is really affective, but again I bottle it. Does that mean I don’t want to die? What the hell does all this mean?

I’m tired now, i’m always tired.

Loopy x

461. New Years resolutions.

1. Lose weight. I’m going to do it as soon as I can. I’ve bought more Orlistat, I’m desperately trying to get my hands on saxenda, and today I went back on my bike. I feel grotesque, a beached whale, a fat ugly rolley polley.

My first attempt at getting Saxenda failed. Stupid Loopy, you’re fake BMI was too low. Rookie error. My 2nd attempt- well I’m still waiting on the outcome. Fingers crossed. It’s funny, when I was doing my PhD I used to joke that we should all be taking GLP-1 agonists, which is what Saxenda is. They make you feel fuller, delay gastric emptying and have been shown to aid weight loss. Typically used to treat diabetes but now also approved for weight loss in morbidly obese individuals.

Next resolution. Self harm more. Yup I know how ridiculous that sounds. I should be trying the opposite, but /I’m stressed and it calms me. I have this mad craving to use a clothes iron. I’ve been fighting the urge for weeks now, sticking with the straighteners, but I don’t think I’ll be able to relax if I don’t try it. I can’t make sense of these urges at the minute, but they’re showing no signs of easing.

Next one- no hospital admissions in 2021. This past few years I’ve been in and out of psychiatric wards, and to be honest, at the moment I wish I was back in. That’s usually a sign that 1. I don’t actually need to be in, and 2. A sign that my stress and feelings of being overwhelmed are growing. But stay out this year Loopy. You need to stay out.

Last one for now- try to talk more with your key worker. Seek out more counselling and oh this is a big one- share your food struggles with OH.

That’s it for now folks. A mixed bag /I’d say.

Loopy x

459. My throat is raw.

I scoffed, I puked and I wept. Scoffed some more, puked some more and wept some more.

Tonight my arm is scorched white. I want to use an iron, a clothes iron, but I’ve resisted. Hair straighteners brought that wonderful sense of calm. The pain is so intense, that the calm feels all that sweeter.

I’m disgusting, I’m ugly and I stink. Literally stink. Bathing has felt all too much lately.

I want to buy Liraglutide. The Orlistat simply isn’t cutting the mustard.

Oh well.

Loopy x

457. Tastelife session 4

I blog during the intervals. But first I ran down stairs for some comfort food. I need it!!

The drawing above is an iceberg we were asked to sketch down. They’re a big fan of journaling. Below the surface are my instant thoughts about what might have led to my disordered eating. Note I’m a comfort eater.

It’s a bit scrawled so I’ll type them here.

1. I feel ugly.

2. Someone died because off me.

3. Mum wanted “normal” children.

4 . Thin is good, fat is bad.

5. I’m a terrible mum.

6. Fat albinos look worse than thin ones.

7. When I purge more, I burn less (oh that ones caught me off guard!, dunno where that came from.)

8. Thinner feels better.

I’m exhausted, it feels very raw and it’s bedtime now. Oh I’d love some zopiclone!! Or a burn, or a purge or all of these things. I think I have a sneaky box off Z’s somewhere.

On a final note, and this might offend some, which is not my intent, but they’ve been pushing “faith’ again this week. It spurts from their mouths sporadically, and everyone except me seems to be receptive to it. It’s making me feel like the “black sheep”

We were asked to think off someone we’d love to meet or go on a walk with. My head was screaming; the founder of the theory of evolution. But his name escaped me. Off course; Charles Darwin!! You know this Loopy, but it’s probably best that you forgot. I said nothing…….

Loopy x 😦