434. Memory problems…..

and muscle aches!

I’ve been having a lot of muscle aches and pains lately, and memory lapses. It’s starting to worry me. I’d kind off switched from zopiclone to diazepam at night. Above the recommended dose off course. No one seems to care, that I’m a drug addict, off sorts. They just keep prescribing benzos and Z’s without question. I’m digressing.

Anyway I reckon the diazepam was/is causing the muscle pains. I’ve gone off it anyway after one horrendous, almost out of body, night terror experience. I woke myself up screaming! Had the worst realistic nightmare I’ve ever had. Was physically shaking, heart racing upon awakening. It scared me. Zopiclone has never done that.

As for my memory, I put things down and instantly forget. I walk into rooms and don’t know why? Today topped it all. I was chatting to my neighbour and her doggy over the fence. I talk to Flynn (doggie) daily. Today though, I could not for the life off me, recall his name.

Like I said, I’m worried.

Loopy x

430. A busy week

This week my niece (9) and nephew (5) are up staying with us. What have I let myself in for!! In truth, they are very good kids, well mannered and great with little man. But the noise, oh my god the noise!!! They are most definitely the loudest kids in Ireland!!!

Noise is something myself, OH and little man struggle with. Especially little man, who often holds his hands over his ears. I’m still concerned about him, to be honest. He’s very very sensitive to noise and I swear he has OCD. Can a child off 3, have OCD?

In other news, I’ve been building… Base frame and 1 wall frame done, with other timbers cut ready for assembly. I’m actually really enjoying this carpentry malarkey. Who knows, I may quit academia and live the quiet life, building crap out off wood, and selling it at a loss (proper stuff is quite expensive)

Finally, I have my psychology assessment tomorrow. I’ve no idea where to start or what my priorities are. I’m hoping it’s quite a structured chat. I’m nervous. What if they say; ‘you’re not suitable?”

I’m terrified off lockdown easing, I’m scared little man is damaged, I’m self harming, using diazepam in excess at night, abusing Orlistat and generally, I’m just messed up.

Where should we start………

Loopy x

427. Psychology!!!!!!!!

I’m in shock. I thought it would never come but almost a year now, living back home and finally, I’ve received a psychology assessment appointment. July 8th over the phone.

Is it weird that I was almost excited, reading the letter.

Let’s hope this is the start of something that will ultimately be positive. I do worry a little that I’ll feel worse first.

Loopy x

426. Social anxiety.

So the shops are now open and people are going friggin crazy, piling up clothes and underwear and homeware and all manner of crap. It’s insane.

I wandered out today for the first time in ages. Apart from my weekly jaunt to the pharmacy to collect my cocktail of meds, I’ve stayed pretty much hidden away from the world. Today has reaffirmed that I wish to stay hidden away forever.

As I walked up the street, entered shops and stood in queues, I could feel a 1000 eyes on me. Real or imagined, it doesn’t matter, the feeling is the same. I felt strange, uneasy and anxious. I wanted to run home, literally run, but I resisted.

Once in the door I reached for my diazepam and a huge tub off ice cream.

I’m eating Orlistat like smarties these days, and especially on days like this………….even though I cycled 21km this morning.

I need therapy, I need help, and I’ve no idea how to get it? I want to talk to someone. I’m bottling up all my insecurities, worries and stress again. My new key worker/CPN is possibly very nice, but I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I don’t know her, or trust her yet. The very first time we spoke, she said she’d check in again in a month, so roughly 2 more weeks to go. How is that helpful?

Come on loopy, your not a child. It’s not up to others to check on you, probe you, or read between the lines. Take control for gods sake!!!!!!!! you useless whimp!!

I feel an explosion coming

Loopy x

423. Why do I do it to myself.

I’ve been struggling. In truth I’m stressed with work,and when I’m stressed, I quickly lose my ability to cope.

OH is working a long day, so it’s just been me and little man. I found it hard to cope. I shoved my eyepad before his eye as much as I could. I avoided him, I grew frustrated with him, and in turn he grew whiney, and clingy.

Its not his fault, it’s mine. So this evening I’ve given in to temptation, I’ve done what I needed to do, to get me through today.

It hurts now. Why do I do this to myself.

Loopy x

421. A lung buster!!

I’m back on the roads, pumping pedals as hard as I can and sweating buckets!!!
I did probably 18 miles today in scorching heat.

I got stuck behind two ladies kitted in lycra and obviously road bike fanatics, and I must admit I felt a little smug being able to keep up with them.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m competitive, often to my own detriment, so let’s face it I wasn’t going to let them get out of sight!! But nonetheless it boosted my endorphins.

I know this routine by now, June, July I’ll be energised, I’ll cycle, I’ll cope and I’ll improve and then come August BLAM!!! I’ll start to crash. 

It’s a pattern, one that  I’ve never really discussed but one that is ingrained by now.

So while this lasts I’ll enjoy the little mood boosts, and continue to cycle harder and faster.

Oh by the way, I’m nearly off the zopiclone.  I’ve gone it alone (I had to!!, there’s no help here!!) and Im coping.  3.75mg / night.  This is the lowest dose I’ve been on in nearly 2 years. 

Oddly, lockdown is suiting me, I’m liking hiding away, not seeing ppl, not showering (gross I know) and lounging in football tops. I’m scared of coming out of it

Come on Loopy, keep your head up!!

Loopy x

418. The black dog.

He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.

I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.

Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.

Just go to bed!!

Loopy x

415. A better place.

I don’t precisely know why, but I’m feeling better. I think my combo of meds is working.  I think the good weather is uplifting and I think I’m gaining confidence with little man. 
I need now to wean off my zopiclone and diazepam but I’ve been doing it slowly since coming home from hospital.  I’ve not self harmed in ages, and I’ve not been purging anywhere near as much as usual.

I’m just in a better place, and it feels good.  I hope I can sustain this and have more good days  

Now if I could only sort out my sleep. The meds combo is working during the day, but oh my word I’m having night terrors! and incredibly scratchy painful dry eyes.

One day at a time Loopy.  You’ll read this saying alot as it is my new mantra.

Loopy x

412. It’s caught me off guard.

I’ve chomped my nails, down to the stumps, I’ve binged and purged.  I’ve burned and tonight for the first time since discharge, I want to knock myself out with zopiclone and diazepam, both of which I have in my possession (not loads)

I can’t explain it but a huge wave of sadness, hopelessness, self doubts and self destructive urges have hit me hard this evening…

And so the cycle begins again……………

Loopy x 

411. Officially discharged

I’ve been out on leave for the past 4 days, but today I was officially discharged.  It’s weird, but this always comes with a little sadness on my part.  I think you get so used to being wrapped in a 24/7 blanket of care, that leaving it makes you feel vulnerable and a little alone. 
The staff were generally great.  They wouldn’t usually tolerate patients who behaved as I did.  Any self harm over here gets you shipped immediately to a PICU, but covid stopped that, and they managed me as best they could.  They even took my wardrobe, the actual furniture away. 

I now have a clearer picture on what my priorities must be. 

1. Get help for my PND.
2. Get help for my eating issues and drug use, although since leave I have reduced my zopiclone down to 7.5mg only. 
3. Seek support or at least clarification regarding my BPD traits.
4 Learn to like myself again and accept my emotions in a more positive way.

You can only tackle these one at a time Loopy, but you can do it!!

Loopy x