154. It’s not the pain.

One would think that self harming is a painful endeavour, and indeed it is, but your psychological state acts as an odd analgesic. There is pain yes, but when I deliberatly burn myself it pales in comparison to say an accidental paper cut or spilled hot tea over my hand. It’s a strange phenomenon.

For me the worst part of burning, is not the pain, but the itch. You can sleep through pain, but an itch that can’t be tamed is unbearable. I’m in a little pain this evening. A new wound over an old eased some tension today. It blistered immediately. I’m dreading the impending prickling and tingling that this new wound shall bring.

Loopy x

153. There’s magic in a cuddle.

I’ve regressed this past few days. My little man is testing me, and I’m failing. Yesterday was an all too familiar story. I binged, I burned and I cried a little.

This morning I had no energy. Little man tipped his blocks and toys all over the floor for the 100th time. He screeched looking for drinks and food and attention. He used me as his climbing frame and then suddenly, he slapped me in the face.

I snapped!! Rage consumed me, I grabbed him quickly, swept him up into my arms, and I CUDDLED him.

There was magic in that cuddle. The stress and angst and anger flowed from my body, to be replaced with love and warmth, and kindness. I guess motherly instinct made me do it, and I’m thankful for that. We then played with puzzles, wrestled and enjoyed each other’s company. He’s napping now.

I’m trying to hit my reset button. I’m going to do some progressive muscle relaxation and have a shower.

Loopy x

152. A kick in the teeth!

I braved it, I forced myself to go, I didn’t want to but everyone is telling me to be more sociable. I went to my friends for a cuppa, but I should have stayed at home!

It was awful from the start. My little man was extremely difficult, he roared and cried and even hit me. He exhibited all the little traits that spark my ASD fears. It was unbearable and upsetting.

I can’t go to groups with him, what if he has a meltdown down there too. I need us to stay hidden from the world. Things are just calmer in our own space. I can’t cope with the stress. I need to burn….

Loopy x

149. I wrote to the PM, (update)

I wrote in a previous blog (No. 120) about my concerns over how easy it is to purchase prescription medications online in the UK. This ease of purchase nearly killed me, and is a constant threat to my future well being.  Indeed as previously stated, I wrote to the Prime Minister.

My concerns have gained some momentum. I recieved the following email today.

Dear Doctor ———–,
My name is ———– and I am the Senior Policy Adviser on the Enforcement Group at the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) – we are the Government regulator responsible for medicines and medical devices, an Agency of the Department of Health and Social Care.
I am contacting you in relation to you letter of 30th September concerning purchasing medicines online. I am sorry to learn of your distress and hope that I can at least offer some assistance and support.
The digital healthcare area is complex and straddles regulatory boundaries – there are areas of concern within Government and I have been working with other regulators – the Care Quality Commission (regulators of healthcare services), the General Pharmaceutical Council (regulators of pharmacists and pharmacies), the General Medical Council (for doctors registration) and our counterparts in the Devolved Administrations. Sadly, yours is not the first nor only example of supply of Controlled Drugs / Prescription only medicines in this way. This presents significant risks to patient safety and we are reviewing the legislative framework in UK and importantly, identifying the gaps. In order to investigate this, I would be grateful for additional information;
As Zopiclone requires a prescription, did you have one and submitted that, or were you offered an online consultation with a doctor through the website and the medicine was prescribed remotely?
Please provide the names / links to the sites.
Many of the points you raise are the responsibility of the General Pharmaceutical Council – as above, GPhC is responsible for activities in a registered pharmacy and, as I want to ensure you receive a full explanation and action can be taken, I need to contact GPhC and also alert the Care Quality Commission and General Medical Council. I wanted to check with you that I can share information with them. I wish to thank you for raising your justifiable concerns on this matter and I look forward to receiving your reply.
Yours sincerely,
 —————-

I’m not going to let this go.  Companies will be named and shamed. I worry for the safety of my future self and the safety of others with similar mental health demons.

Loopy x.

147. Turbulent Times.

Last night, I longed for death, tonight I want to fight. My head is all over the place.

I don’t have the will power to be anorexic. However my relationship with food is difficult at the moment.

I’ve abandoned my compassionate self, and lost sight of the “fab four”

I’ve self harmed again, and it felt good. Damn it!

Loopy x

146. Happy Birthday.

I’ve turned 33 today. Right now, I really don’t want to see 34. Put simply, I’m feeling really sad. I want to go to bed and never wake up.

OH surprised me with a fitbit this morning. It’s just what I wanted, but I’ll likely be returning it. I can’t read the display. I’m a little gutted and honestly I’m sick of my crappy vision.

Myself and OH went out for dinner, as mum is here to babysit. If mum wasn’t here I’d be throwing up right now. I feel absolutely disgusting. To quote my mum; “you’ve not gained weight on your face, just your gut!”

I feel really guilty about having dessert.

I love OH and my Little man but I really really can’t do this anymore. There’s that inner conflict again. I really want to give up.

I’m no good for either of them.

Loopy x

143. Scatty brained!

I’m home, and I hate it. It’s too loud. It’s too busy and I want to scream. We’ve just come back from a children’s disco. Bad idea!! Little man just stared at the lights and then became distressed. My distress struck before his. Neither off us could cope in that environment.

I’m also becoming increasingly worried about my scatty brains lately. I’ve just spent ages looking for our baby wipes, gave up and then discovered I’d put them in the fridge!

I’ve accidently stolen from Sainsbury’s twice in the last week. I always load up Little man’s buggy pockets with stuff, and then unload when I’m paying, but lately I completely forgot about an item I’d placed in the hood, on TWO separate occasions.

I also keep forgetting to take my meds. If not for my phone reminders, I’d be very non compliant.

I’m pretty miserable today. and wish I was alone, but I’ll have to fake smiles and conversation all afternoon. I wish I could talk to someone who understands. I’m desperate to burn.

I can’t fake it anymore.

Loopy x