59. My secret shame.

I was pretty low in my previous post and to be honest I still am.  What I didn’t say is that I’ve already burned myself today, just after our park outing but prior to talking to my little man. . No one knows. In my previous post I said I needed to talk to someone and I attempted to make this happen.  The problem though is that they are understaffed in here and unless your ringing your room alarm,  slashing your wrists open or tying blankets round your neck, you end up at the end of the queue.

I now have a burn that is blistering and I need a bandage.  I need to speak to the main nurse to get said bandage, as I don’t know what the health care assistants know about my harming. Nor do I want it broadcast unnecessarily.

My head is also busy.  Do you know what?  I just need some attention.

Loopy x.

 

58. My son hates me.

OH has just popped in for a vist and as such we thought it would be a good idea to facetime with little man who’s over with his Granny.  Hiya Daddy! he exclaimed as he came to the phone.  He’s never called me Mum or mummy of anything like that and it shouldn’t upset me, but it does.

Little man is doing so well with his gulladuff grandparents at the moment that I know he’d be o.k if I left him now.  I’m no good for him, and I feel like he hates me. He’s not even 2 yet but he doesn’t show me the same enthuasism that he seems to show Daddy, and I think that’s because he doesn’t like me very much.

Feeling quite suicidal right now.  Definately feeling the urge to self harm. I should really speak to someone.

Loopy x.

52. Being stalked.

If my mood today was a class exam grades profile, it would be the perfect bell curve.  It’s weird how you can be so low, and then up, and then low again in the same day. There was a little trigger I guess that started this afternoons low.  A staff member commented on how I’m burning myself.  So that means that the nurse I confided in told them all.  I’m mad at her for doing so but also astute enough to know that it’s her job and in my best interests really.

I’m now feeling rather paranoid though, like everyone has been talking about me.  Also the staff member on the two’s (the more regular checks) is taking the job rather seriously so I feel like I’m being stalked.  I’m not off course, but all I want to do right now is burn, and its proving rather tricky to find the breaks amongst the stalking. I really do need to develop better coping strategies, when I’m low.

Also my hair is a frigging mess and I’m too nervous to ask to use the hair straighteners.

Loopy x.

49 Addressed the elephant in the room.

I think I mentioned this in a previous post but I have shared the address for this blog with one of our excellent nurses.  Since sharing it, I’d been feeling really awkward around her and I managed to tell her that today.  She was lovely, and I needn’t have feared anything.  Though I’m still not sure if she has read any of this or not.

We had quite a nice conversation and I managed to tell her how suicidal I am really feeling, and the method I’ve been using to burn..  l think I might pluck up the courage to talk to her more.  Once she left I took out my frustration on Wilson and smacked him of the wall for about an hour I reckon.

The frustration by the way stemmed from a PTSD trigger in a relaxation session that was a little unexpected. Telling me to imagine calmly drifting out to sea, brought up some stuff, but the poor staff member wasn’t to know.

Tonight I’m both mentally and psychically tired.  Hopefully I will sleep sound.

Loopy x.

48. Self harm to attenuate the suicidal thoughts.

Self harming is an odd behaviour, lets be honest, although having said that people do it all the time. Smoking, drinking alcohol, eating processed foods, using sun beds, living in cities full of smog and exhaust fumes; the list goes on.  Yet those behaviours are accepted by society.  For me I struggle to understand why I burn myself.  There are a couple of obvious reasons; it calms me down when I’m feeling suicidal, it makes me feel better when I can’t cry, it feels good when there’s pain and it feels good both picking at and taking care of the wounds after. Weird right?

It can also make me feel like a failure when I can’t do it right. if the heat is not held on until I no longer feel the pain then I feel like a failure.  if it doesn’t blister properly or char the skin then it’s not adequate.  I’m struggling without my usual means. I’ve burned today, several times; little burns in the same spot, but it’s not quite producing the calming endorphins that it usually would. I’m not stupid.  This is not healthy.

Again I’m feeling odd today. Totally apathetic towards life.

Loopy x.

47. Revolving door patients.

I’ve mentioned in previous posts that some of my “temporary friends” have now been discharged.  The beds they vacated have off course been immediately filled. But I’m starting to realise there is a real problem in the system as many of the new ladies are familiar faces to each other or the staff from previous admissions to various hospitals.  They seem to wear these episodes like badges of honour. I listen to them bragging to each other about what they did and how they got sectioned for the 4th time.  I spoke about this very topic with my friend yesterday. She works in mental health as a solicitor, and agreed with me that the system is broken. There are truly tragic stories of genuinely ill patients that end up dead due to a lack of resources in and overstretched system.

I hate to say this because it sounds cruel but some patients are here for the attention.  That does not in anyway make you less in need of treatment, I would argue that itself is an illness but it puts a huge strain on the system.  It also worries me that everyone I’ve chatted with has been in somewhere before.  Is that going to be my future? Surely there could be better community support?  I wonder if we had to pay for our NHS care (even small amounts) would there be less Munchausen’s syndrome type behaviours in the mental health system.

I’m ashamed of being in here. I shouldn’t be. I know that mental illness is as real as anything physical, but still my up bringing, and family perceptions of mental ill health leaves me with a sense of shame.

Once I’m out, I never intend to come back.

Loopy x.