I woke up around 5.45, dozed a little here and there; but with the intrusive checks, rising light and the noises of an awakening psych ward I cannot sleep.
It’s just after 9.00am, I’ve reluctantly dragged myself to the dining area to pick up yet another pale cold soggy piece of toast. I’m tired both emotionally and physically. My arm is sore from previous episodes of self inflicted damage. I feel defeated and I honestly don’t know how to get through today.
I’ve just self harmed. I’ve had a pretty horrible day to be fair and I’ve botted Wilson once more beyond our walls. Need to order more footballs. This self harm is minor though, it could have been much worse.
My mood today hit (wanted to tie a liguature around my neck) rock bottom. I crashed big time. Had a panic attack, and just an overwhelming urge to self harm, but to do so badly. I did though seek some help eventually and they did settle me with compassion and drugs.
I’m glad this day is nearly over, but now I’m gutted I broke a promise to myself.
OH was waiting at the ward door. We’d arranged to go out to the cinema today.
“Are you feeling ok?” the nurse asked before I left.
“Yes all good”; i replied, but it was a lie. I’m not feeling o.k today.
We didn’t go to the cinema, we walked around some shops instead. OH yawned endlessly. I could tell he didn’t want to be walking around with me. He’s growing ever more tired of me. I could barely talk to him. There was this awkward tension between us. We went to get something to eat. I couldn’t sit. We had to go. I felt really anxious amongst the crowds of Saturday shoppers. I do get occasional social anxiety but today it was really bad.
I think the drugs are making me worse! Now I need to burn but I promised myself I wouldn’t do that today.
I need to talk to someone.
Today my heart aches. Today I miss my son. Today all I want to do is hug him, play with him and tell him that I love him. Today I want to be his Mum.
I’ve cried a river this morning longing for my little man, though the waves of self doubt and guilt also flowed. I had a good chat with a fantastic staff member, and I’m so grateful for that space today. I needed to talk and today I could. She settled me and supportively challenged my perceptions of myself. I would have burned, I needed to; but she rode that wave with me and it passed.
Today I want to get better, for me and for my family. . My goal today is to not self harm.
Today we had to evacuate our ward as someone decided it was a good idea to set a bin on fire. I was pretty lucky I guess, in that I was able to go to a gym on another ward to pass the time. I get to the gym almost daily now. I managed to jog 20 mins on the treadmill which for me is a huge achievement. I can’t run, I’ve never gotten any better at it but today I surprised myself a little.
Today though not even a successful gym session could clear the demons in my head. I battered Wilson off the wall after the gym and still no relief. I’ve self harmed twice today. Firstly after the chaos of the incident had all settled. I couldn’t settle my mind. It’s just been a negative day. My thoughts were racing and I was feeling suicidal.
A visit with OH this afternoon went badly; I was unnecessarily sharp with him and just hard to be around. Shortly after that I did the 2nd burn; a little deeper this time. The psychologist summed up why I self harm perfectly today. It hits a reset button. It stops the racing thoughts, the self loathing and suicidal impulses; if only for a little while. .
I hate having to ask for a bandage, I feel so ashamed.
I was pretty low in my previous post and to be honest I still am. What I didn’t say is that I’ve already burned myself today, just after our park outing but prior to talking to my little man. . No one knows. In my previous post I said I needed to talk to someone and I attempted to make this happen. The problem though is that they are understaffed in here and unless your ringing your room alarm, slashing your wrists open or tying blankets round your neck, you end up at the end of the queue.
I now have a burn that is blistering and I need a bandage. I need to speak to the main nurse to get said bandage, as I don’t know what the health care assistants know about my harming. Nor do I want it broadcast unnecessarily.
My head is also busy. Do you know what? I just need some attention.
OH has just popped in for a vist and as such we thought it would be a good idea to facetime with little man who’s over with his Granny. Hiya Daddy! he exclaimed as he came to the phone. He’s never called me Mum or mummy of anything like that and it shouldn’t upset me, but it does.
Little man is doing so well with his gulladuff grandparents at the moment that I know he’d be o.k if I left him now. I’m no good for him, and I feel like he hates me. He’s not even 2 yet but he doesn’t show me the same enthuasism that he seems to show Daddy, and I think that’s because he doesn’t like me very much.
Feeling quite suicidal right now. Definately feeling the urge to self harm. I should really speak to someone.