257. A crisis.

I hung up on her. It was so cruel of me. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was done. I’d tested the cord, until my head thumped, and then i released.

I frantically tried to call her back, got through on the stepped up care number, to be told you need to ring reception!! I couldn’t get through. 10 minutes later and two individuals with official lanyards appeared at my door.

The guy shared a name with my son. I can’t help but feel that, that was deliberate. They talked at me, went for a walk with me, and promised me I’d get more help.

I have an urgent psych appointment tomorrow. I don’t know how they can help me.

I’m dreading seeing my CPN. I wonder will she dump me now? I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I never intended to cause her any stress, but I think I did.

Loopy x

256. It’s all in my head?

Today, I phoned for my blood test results. I had a full work up. The voice on the line said; “yes they’re all normal”

I don’t understand. I don’t believe her. I want to see the numbers and rhe the eeferenxe ranges. I don’t know how this is possible. I was sure they’d indicate some physcal deficiency. I’d hoped for it. Something we could “treat” to make me feel better.

Most people would be thrilled to get the all clear. I’m devastated.

I don’t understand…….

Is it all in my head?

Loopy x

255. The impossible question.

Do you have a plan to end your life?

I’ve lost it, completely lost it. My capacity to function with some sense of normality, has gone. I felt sorry for my CPN today. I was her last appointment, and it wasn’t a “yes everything is great, you can go home early kind of chat” Did I mention that I’ve lost it?

I could see her rapidly calculating risk, going through the “toolkit” of mental health evaluations. Do we need to call 999, or will she last until tomorrow?

And then I was asked, that question that always seems so bizarre to me. Answer wrong and I’d be shipped off to somewhere “safe”.

Off course I’ve thought about it. Imagined my red long sleeve t-shirt, knotted tight! around my neck. I’ve played it over and over and over, in my mind. I’ve pictured the scene that would await, police, or paramedics, or worse OH and my beautiful little boy. I’ve thought about, the logistics, off flying me home. The anger over delays, and paperwork, that would draw out an already difficult time.

Right now I’m staring at my clothes iron. Hair straighteners aren’t working anymore. I can’t get any relief. Would a larger more intense burn help?

I answered the question correctly. She left, which is partly what I wanted her to do. The other part, wanted a hug. A tight, body stabilising, “you’ve got this! hug.

Loopy x.

253. Vomit

It had been building up. Nausea and shakyness took control tonight. It was not a planned purge, but instead an unavoidable, quick run to the bathroom vomit. A couple more followed in the same manner before bed..

Right now I’m in bed, having scoffed some zopi I feel less shaky, but blimey I’m wide awake.

There’s too much stuff circuling my head. Too much to type out.

Will things work out someday?

Loopy x

252. I need L back.

My new CPN is great, honestly caring, fairly responsive and honest (Her face gives her away)

But she’s not L. L is the one person I felt at ease with most. She never judged, she was just amazingly kind and supportive in a nurturing way. She held hope for me when I could not. She’d help me find the positives, when I just couldn’t see them. And I wanted to engage, and do things well for her a little as much as me. She tried so much with me.

Now though, it’s all fucked. L has gone and I miss her sometimes intolarbly so.

Now we don’t seem to have a plan. I’ve been dumped from psychotherapy. And now my psychiatrist is leaving.

I just need L. No one comes close. But in typing I can hear say “come on what are you going to to ground yoursslf” what at you going to do that’s nice for you? She has the perfect tone and warmness in her manner. Some weeks on now and I’m not coping, and she the only person I’d give anything to see again

This system off meds are not working, pychology has dumped me and I’m feeling even more isolated and alone.

I’ve just swallowed several. Zopoclone

I’m a bit shaky but should be ok

Loopy x

250. A bad day at the office.

Oh my word, i cannot believe this is post number 250. I wonder will I ever make it to old age, will I look back on this someday, and recognise my struggles as a battle I have won, or will it just be some other lost blog in the vastness of the web. Thank you to those of you following, and to those who occasionally hit like. I’ve said it before but your support makes me feel just a little less alone in this world.

So today was one of those day’s that I’d like to forget. I was teaching all day, a science practical on the separation of proteins using Chromatography (a method that enables you to separate out and collect individual proteins from a complex protein mixture) The morning session ran o.k, however the tech staff messed up the storage requirments of our reagents and thus the afternoon session was a car crash!!. Nothing worked as it should, I had to make up fake results on the fly, reassure increasinlgy frustrated students that they had done nothing wrong, try to hide my own anger and remain positve, and somehow drag us all through the torment and failings of the afternoon. It was indeed a true reflection of science, in the quest for knowledge methods often fail, but for first years it was a little too strenuous, and I could see their body language change, their despair grow, and their enthuasisam dissappear. It was a hard day for all off us.

I needed things to work, I needed students to be content, I needed to take it easy today. I’m physically not right, and my CPN’s insistence that it is anxiety is not sitting right with me. I’ve had anxiety before but it would come in waves. The shakiness, the nausea and the head fog that I am now experiencing is constant. I’m barely functioning and if it is anxiety, then its hit a whole new level, that long term I simply cannot cope with.

I ended the day in floods of tears, with a colleague. He was incredibly kind, and supportive, but now I am ashamed, feel a little more vulnerable and wish I’d kept my tears to myself. My meds are not working, and I’m too “distressed” for therapy. My mood is destroying me, my lack of concentration is destoying my career and I’m struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Loopy x.

248. Marking with a toddler.

I have work to do. Quite a bit infact and given my recent slow pace, I need to crack on. Try saying that to a two year old!!. He bashed on my labptop keys, grabbed and clawed at my hands, demanded an endless supply of food and drinks and attention and quite frankly made marking assignmnets nion impossible. OH works many weekends and we have no one else to turn to for support on days like this.

Working under these conditions had the sensation of hearing nails on a chalkborad!!. I can’t be all things to all people and its stressing me out. Today I was crap at everything. Extremely inefficient at marking, irritable as heck (my feedback might be a little harsh!) and neglectful as a mother.

On top of that, my mood has been nothing short of erratic. I swung quite violently from alsmost resigning from my job, to suicidal, to hopeful, back to suicidal and so the day went. I’ve eaten far too many carbs in an attempt to find comfort and I’ve burned (Again!)

Last night, i did find sleep on my new regimen but it was broken, and I spent alot of time looking at my watch. I eat more when I’m tired. Tonight I want to knock myself out, but i won’t.

Tomorrow I face another day of nails on a chalkboard.

Loopy x.