431. Loopy’s Lodge

It’s taking shape. I’ve never in my life built anything from wood, so despite the somewhat wonky roof, I’m rather proud of this. I’ve been at it all day today. It’s kept me focused on something, and is proving to be a great distraction.

I need all the distractions I can get. I had my psychology assessment this week. They rang me back quickly after, saying that I needed 1 to 1 therapy. Here’s the kicker though… the waiting list is apparently 9 months from now.

I’ve been home a year. All my notes and treatment reccomdations came with me. Yet I wasn’t actually referred until about 4 weeks ago. I’m seriously considering launching an official complaint. No wonder suicide is so devastatingly common here……………………

Just keep building loopy!

Loopy x

430. A busy week

This week my niece (9) and nephew (5) are up staying with us. What have I let myself in for!! In truth, they are very good kids, well mannered and great with little man. But the noise, oh my god the noise!!! They are most definitely the loudest kids in Ireland!!!

Noise is something myself, OH and little man struggle with. Especially little man, who often holds his hands over his ears. I’m still concerned about him, to be honest. He’s very very sensitive to noise and I swear he has OCD. Can a child off 3, have OCD?

In other news, I’ve been building… Base frame and 1 wall frame done, with other timbers cut ready for assembly. I’m actually really enjoying this carpentry malarkey. Who knows, I may quit academia and live the quiet life, building crap out off wood, and selling it at a loss (proper stuff is quite expensive)

Finally, I have my psychology assessment tomorrow. I’ve no idea where to start or what my priorities are. I’m hoping it’s quite a structured chat. I’m nervous. What if they say; ‘you’re not suitable?”

I’m terrified off lockdown easing, I’m scared little man is damaged, I’m self harming, using diazepam in excess at night, abusing Orlistat and generally, I’m just messed up.

Where should we start………

Loopy x

427. Psychology!!!!!!!!

I’m in shock. I thought it would never come but almost a year now, living back home and finally, I’ve received a psychology assessment appointment. July 8th over the phone.

Is it weird that I was almost excited, reading the letter.

Let’s hope this is the start of something that will ultimately be positive. I do worry a little that I’ll feel worse first.

Loopy x

426. Social anxiety.

So the shops are now open and people are going friggin crazy, piling up clothes and underwear and homeware and all manner of crap. It’s insane.

I wandered out today for the first time in ages. Apart from my weekly jaunt to the pharmacy to collect my cocktail of meds, I’ve stayed pretty much hidden away from the world. Today has reaffirmed that I wish to stay hidden away forever.

As I walked up the street, entered shops and stood in queues, I could feel a 1000 eyes on me. Real or imagined, it doesn’t matter, the feeling is the same. I felt strange, uneasy and anxious. I wanted to run home, literally run, but I resisted.

Once in the door I reached for my diazepam and a huge tub off ice cream.

I’m eating Orlistat like smarties these days, and especially on days like this………….even though I cycled 21km this morning.

I need therapy, I need help, and I’ve no idea how to get it? I want to talk to someone. I’m bottling up all my insecurities, worries and stress again. My new key worker/CPN is possibly very nice, but I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I don’t know her, or trust her yet. The very first time we spoke, she said she’d check in again in a month, so roughly 2 more weeks to go. How is that helpful?

Come on loopy, your not a child. It’s not up to others to check on you, probe you, or read between the lines. Take control for gods sake!!!!!!!! you useless whimp!!

I feel an explosion coming

Loopy x

420 My love you….

“My love you too Mammy”…………. On days like today, little man, just melts my heart.  He’s Mammys boy through and through. 

The sun is scorching, our paddling pool is out, and little man is full of laughter and joy.  He had a little naked protest earlier.  How does one explain to a 3 year old that no one wants to see his bear bum or willy???

The other day we went to a garden centre and as strangers approached, little man stomped one foot out in front of himself, flung his two arms in the direction of the strangers, palms out and declared, at the top of his vouce; “stand back!!!” 

It was pretty hilarious but it got me thinking about the effects of COVID on our little people.

Lots of things from my childhood and beyond affected my emotional development.  I do wonder will COVID’s rein of terror live beyond the life cycle of the virus, in the form of children afraid to be near, afraid to hug, afraid to love one another……….

I know it’s necessary right now, but when strangers cross the street or hide in alleys or whatever in an attempt to stay 2 metres from me, it makes me feel somehow defective, something to be feared.

Its not nice, and it’s certainly not a culture I want to in still in little people.

Loopy x

416. On bad days.

On days like this, I want to stay in bed.  I want to avoid the world and be alone.  I blog on bad days.
Here’s the thing though. I’ve had more good days lately, than bad.  I should be writing about those.

This past week I’ve been reducing my zopiclone and diazepam usage. I’ve been playing with and loving little man.  I’ve been productive work wise, and have even 99% landed an external examiner post.  I’ve been on my bike, I’ve been cuddling with OH.  I’ve been having argument free chats with dearest sister.  I’ve been puking less and no self harm.  I’ve been doing well.

The reality here is that, to some extent COVID lockdown is giving me breathing space, a chance to bond, a chance to reset.

Today was a bad day, but the week has been good.

Focus on the good!!!
Loopy x

403. Getting the boot.

I’ll be flung out tomorrow
I suspect.  All the nurses hate me   I’m difficult and I keep trying to ligature to stop my thoughts and to end it all.


In their eyes I’m putting us all at risk off corona virus. 
The staff find me, Rip the ligature off and the bolt.  I’m not even asked if I’m ok, but I have now had 3 bollockings for it.

I can’t help it.  All I want is to die and allow my boys to.continue their happy lives without me.

I don’t want to be albino and visually umosired anymore.  I don’t want to fail at work.  I don’t want to get fat.  I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror and continue to hate the image staring back.

I’m a horrible, selfish person, which this world
could do without. 

No one can help me and apparently “your not trying hard wbough”
I am though but I’m done

Loopy x

383. I must

I must appreciate my son more.
I must love him, cherish him and protect him.
I must stop dreading our time together.
I must try harder.

I must create a summer studentship project.
I must create new module content.
I must create a scholarly research project.
I must publish.
I must try harder.

I must stop buying pills.

I must stop abusing zopicline.

I must stop purging.
I must drink more water.
I must stop self harming.
I must try harder.

I must call my best friend more. 
I must arrange to see her.
I must make more of an effort with OH and our families
I must try harder.

I must stop procrastinating.
I must be more productive.
I must set goals and achieve them.
I must try harder.

I must appreciate my life more.
I must stop dwelling on the negatives.
I must stop being a pessimist.
I must stop hating myself.
I must try harder.

I must accept my crappy eyesight, and ignore the constant stares from strangers
I must accept my life.
I must stop feeling overwhelmed.
I must stop planning my suicide.
I must lose weight.

I must stop wanting to quit it all.
I must get my shit together!!!!!!!

I can’t………………..

Loopy x

371. A brainwave.

I have a PhD but I’m clearly not very smart. I’ve been lecturing now for around 6 years, and in those years my poor eyesight has induced high levels of stress and sleepless nights.

I teach biomedical science, which by it’s very nature is reliant on many complicated diagrams depicting complex pathways and molecular processes.  The poor eyesight has been an issue, because I often can’t see the diagram I’m explaining.  Lecture theatre screens just aren’t that big!! (You may disagree)

I have therefore spent hours memorizing the orientation and specific location of items on the diagram so that I could confidently explain it.

Yesterday a light bulb went off in my head.  Lecture capture and screen capture technology has been around for years now. 

Loopy, you dumbass!!!, just make a recording of your explanations of the diagram in your office, with your large screen and huge notes.  Then embed it into your PowerPoint.

It’ll save you hours of stress and will actually help your students with their revision.

Flashback Pro 5, you are the best £60 I’ve spent in quite some time….

Loopy x

365. Nothing to say.

I used to find blogging cathartic but at the moment I just can’t be bothered.

It’s a familiar feeling. The stats indicate that no one is reading it anyway.

Posts would be treading over old ground. The cyclical feelings of worthlessness, ugliness and increasing hoplesness. What the hell is wrong with me?

On a side note, I’ve ordered pills. It sounded dodgy from the start. Indian voices on a crackled line have kinda prepped me for identity theft, a bank account clear out, and a package that will never arrive. If it does arrive, god knows what’s in them!! I don’t really remember placing the order, or consuming the choclate bar, whose wrapper I found on my bedside locker this morning. Life’s becoming a little hazy.

Loopy x