351. In the bus station.

Talking about your zopiclone addiction with a GP is never easy. Trying to do it over the phone in a busy bus station, certainly made it tougher. I wish they’d called me earlier.

So this week my CPN called my GP to discuss my reliance on sleeping pills. He promptly suggested 7.5mg for 1 week and then 3.75mg for a week, then stop. She agreed, not knowing my current usage. She agreed, having no real clue, what’s going on with me. I pretty promptly had to call them direct.

Hence the akward phonecall. A lovely GP called me, and we agreed a more realustuc plan. But she insisted I come in, whuch has been arranged for next week, with a not so lovely GP. I’m dreading it.

For now, Im getting 7.5mg and 3.75ng daily, dispensed every 2 days.

The change in regulations, governing online pharmacies in the UK is a good thing. But my addicted brain, is screaming at me to find a drug dealer. I’m not ready to taper off. I’m not ready to give them up.

Loopy x

344 A week of ups and downs.

I work at a fairly prestigious uni, and as course co-ordinator I must be able to sell! That is, sell the subject to prospective students and win over anxious parents. On Wednesday night at a road show I oozed friendlyness and bravado. I beckoned guests to our stand, and honestly wooed them. Its like i step out of myself and become someone else. A confident assured person who can chat to anyone, except it’s all front, hiding the terror within me.

But tonight I’ve had 11mg of zopiclone, I’ve thrown up as much of my dinner as I could, and I’m craving self harm.

I had a bad start today, jumping on the wrong bus and thus turning a 2 hour commute into a 4 hour one. When I finally arrived at work, I couldn’t get into my office. Yep I’d left my keys at home. Thankfully the boss had a master key.

Tonight im quite tired but my head is beginning to self destruct. Shut up thoughts, please shut up.

Loopy x

343. Where has my confidence gone?……

and why is my head so foggy?

I gave a lecture today. I was nervous, and it showed. I fumbled my way through bullet points, searched my mind for factual recall that just wouldn’t come to me, and overall it was uncomfortable for me.

I could hear my own voice relayed around the lecture theatre and I hated it. My head is foggy though, forgetful and muddled. It’s very frustrating.

I don’t know if it’s my meds, or if this is just the new me now? Have my breakdowns done this to me?

On a side note, I now need to upload further supplementary resources for the students, to compensate for my incompetence.

Swagger, If you’re out there, look me up. I need you back.

Loopy x

335. You can’t grow…….

“You can’t grow confidence in your comfort zone”

I read this somewhere, and by chance tested the theory today. Those of you following will know I’m in a new job. Senior Lecturer at a pretty good university. Teaching our undergrads began this week.

I’m not too bad at presentations. I’m visually impaired so often I can’t actually see all the points I’m talking about. The benefit is that I never just read off slides. The downside is that I need a little more time to prep.

Today however, I had 2 hours to throw together a presentation on “How to give a presentation” to final year biomedical science students. It was dumped on me completely out of the blue and last minute.

This was definetly out off my comfort zone. I must admit though that my current cocktail of meds curtailed successfully any anxiety or fear that unmedicated me would normally feel.

This was my first solo presentation in my new role, to 100 final years, and you know what? It went absolutely fine.

It was indeed a confidence booster.

Loopy x

332. A twitch.

I often get little muscle twitches. They usually happen with my fingers. Uncontrollably one of my fingers will jolt from bent to straight, and back again.

I attribute this to my meds. I’m not entirely sure which one is the culprit but I do know that stress, fatigue and the nights I take higher doses of zopiclone, all make it worse.

Today however, catching me completely by surprise; my face twitched. I couldn’t tell precisely where on my face, but I felt it.

I can tell you though, that I’m worried about it

Loopy x

325. Back in the game!

I’ve just read my last post, and it’s hard to imagine that’s how I felt just days ago. Switching from utter despair to my present uplifted buoyancy is exhausting, but the good days keep me afloat.

Yesterday was a good day, a great day in fact. I went to meet my new boss, and I had a tour of where I’ll be working. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming. It was really really nice to feel that sense of professional loopy again.

I finished off last night with an endorphin boosting gym session.

I’ve not yet been cleared to start by Occi Health but I’m a little more hopeful.

Loopy x

324. Wash away the sadness.

I’ve just had a shower. It’s a bad sign for sure when you start to pick up on your own “odour” I hadn’t washed in days and no one thought to prompt me.

Today, after an entire day lying and sobbing in bed, I figured “go one loopy, try a shower; it might help”. Although my mood is much the same, there is something pleasantly therapeutic about flushing days of grime down the plughole.

Today both my body and my mind failed me. Each time I tried to rise, they literally crumbled under the sheer weight of life, or at least my perception off it, and all its mysery. I felt a sadness today, that almost drove me to dangerous actions. I felt a level of hoplesness, and indeed still do, that I believe will be my undoing. I want to die. I want to end all these turbulent thoughts once and for all, but I want to do it in such a way, that won’t hurt anyone….

Impossible right? I’m stuck.

I have come to a decision though. If my job offer (a massive part of my identity and sense of “self”) is indeed resinded, I shall kill myself and I shall do it right. .

It will hurt both OH and little man, but ultimately me not being around, would be much better for both of them.

Loopy x