448. Withdrawel.

It turns out that my latest key worker/care coordinator is pretty good. I like her. She’s the first I’ve really like since moving home.

Anyway, she arranged a psych/meds review. I was asked the usual question. What would help you, what do you want to get out of this?

The drugs!!! I blurted out. I need to sort the drugs. So I’ve been switched from zopiclone to temazepam at night.

It’s only been 4 nights, but please please PLEASE, I need my zopiclone back. The temazepam gives me jitters, headaches and is no good for sleep.

The 10mg in comparison with the 18.75 of zopiclone, is just not cutting the mustard. I’m all tense, and anxious and jittery during the day. I’m regretting asking for the change

Plus swapping a z drug for a benzo isn’t exactly progress really, is it

In other news, I’ve found a lump. Off to the breast clinic this week. The Joy’s 😦

Loopy x

446. Face to face again.

I’m a lecturer in case you’ve not been a long time follower. I’m a socially anxious, highly self conscious, paranoid being, but I took up this profession when my confidence was high. It’s odd really, walking into the room, I’ll feel a thousand eyes on me, my body will be trembling, and then I’ll do my little routine. Log in to the pc, take a sip off water as I stroll around my “stage” all non chalant. I’ll gaze at the crowd as if I’m counting them, but I’m not really.

Then boom; “ok folks we’ll make a start” it’s my usual opener, and something odd happens. My work persona kicks in and I act my ass off. I act confident and knowledgeable, I act professional and calm. I’ll field questions with a smile and speak happily with those odd few who always stay behind to probe further. I’ll get through it, and once done, I’ll take a huge breath and steady myself, for real this time. A cup of tea will be needed.

Tomorrow’s a short module intro talk, but I’ve not been in front off a crowd like this since March. Tonight I’m feeling grotesquely fat, ugly all over, and paranoid they’ll quickly realise I’m a mess. Time to hit the gym hard again. Time to up my Orlistat.

Thank goodness most of my teaching this year is remote. Just get through tomorrow loopy.

Let’s get some sleep, 15mg tonight I think, you’ve an early star

Loopy x

444. Should I cry, or ….

laugh hysterically.? I’m lost for words.

Today I had a follow up call with the lovely lady from social services. She informed me that my CMHT are planning to discharge me from their care. It’s frigging laughable. I’m not much further on, they’ve done nothing to help me and now I’m just being dumped!! The CMHT haven’t told me this yet, but I guess it’s coming.

This little nugget of information was concerning enough to the lady from SS, that she is recommending a transfer to SS care. She is recommending that we have more input and family support. I guess she fears for little man. I do too.

As for the CMHT, fine, absolutely fine, FUCK OFF!!! I’m done with you anyway!!

Loopy x.

431. Loopy’s Lodge

It’s taking shape. I’ve never in my life built anything from wood, so despite the somewhat wonky roof, I’m rather proud of this. I’ve been at it all day today. It’s kept me focused on something, and is proving to be a great distraction.

I need all the distractions I can get. I had my psychology assessment this week. They rang me back quickly after, saying that I needed 1 to 1 therapy. Here’s the kicker though… the waiting list is apparently 9 months from now.

I’ve been home a year. All my notes and treatment reccomdations came with me. Yet I wasn’t actually referred until about 4 weeks ago. I’m seriously considering launching an official complaint. No wonder suicide is so devastatingly common here……………………

Just keep building loopy!

Loopy x

430. A busy week

This week my niece (9) and nephew (5) are up staying with us. What have I let myself in for!! In truth, they are very good kids, well mannered and great with little man. But the noise, oh my god the noise!!! They are most definitely the loudest kids in Ireland!!!

Noise is something myself, OH and little man struggle with. Especially little man, who often holds his hands over his ears. I’m still concerned about him, to be honest. He’s very very sensitive to noise and I swear he has OCD. Can a child off 3, have OCD?

In other news, I’ve been building… Base frame and 1 wall frame done, with other timbers cut ready for assembly. I’m actually really enjoying this carpentry malarkey. Who knows, I may quit academia and live the quiet life, building crap out off wood, and selling it at a loss (proper stuff is quite expensive)

Finally, I have my psychology assessment tomorrow. I’ve no idea where to start or what my priorities are. I’m hoping it’s quite a structured chat. I’m nervous. What if they say; ‘you’re not suitable?”

I’m terrified off lockdown easing, I’m scared little man is damaged, I’m self harming, using diazepam in excess at night, abusing Orlistat and generally, I’m just messed up.

Where should we start………

Loopy x

427. Psychology!!!!!!!!

I’m in shock. I thought it would never come but almost a year now, living back home and finally, I’ve received a psychology assessment appointment. July 8th over the phone.

Is it weird that I was almost excited, reading the letter.

Let’s hope this is the start of something that will ultimately be positive. I do worry a little that I’ll feel worse first.

Loopy x

426. Social anxiety.

So the shops are now open and people are going friggin crazy, piling up clothes and underwear and homeware and all manner of crap. It’s insane.

I wandered out today for the first time in ages. Apart from my weekly jaunt to the pharmacy to collect my cocktail of meds, I’ve stayed pretty much hidden away from the world. Today has reaffirmed that I wish to stay hidden away forever.

As I walked up the street, entered shops and stood in queues, I could feel a 1000 eyes on me. Real or imagined, it doesn’t matter, the feeling is the same. I felt strange, uneasy and anxious. I wanted to run home, literally run, but I resisted.

Once in the door I reached for my diazepam and a huge tub off ice cream.

I’m eating Orlistat like smarties these days, and especially on days like this………….even though I cycled 21km this morning.

I need therapy, I need help, and I’ve no idea how to get it? I want to talk to someone. I’m bottling up all my insecurities, worries and stress again. My new key worker/CPN is possibly very nice, but I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I don’t know her, or trust her yet. The very first time we spoke, she said she’d check in again in a month, so roughly 2 more weeks to go. How is that helpful?

Come on loopy, your not a child. It’s not up to others to check on you, probe you, or read between the lines. Take control for gods sake!!!!!!!! you useless whimp!!

I feel an explosion coming

Loopy x

420 My love you….

“My love you too Mammy”…………. On days like today, little man, just melts my heart.  He’s Mammys boy through and through. 

The sun is scorching, our paddling pool is out, and little man is full of laughter and joy.  He had a little naked protest earlier.  How does one explain to a 3 year old that no one wants to see his bear bum or willy???

The other day we went to a garden centre and as strangers approached, little man stomped one foot out in front of himself, flung his two arms in the direction of the strangers, palms out and declared, at the top of his vouce; “stand back!!!” 

It was pretty hilarious but it got me thinking about the effects of COVID on our little people.

Lots of things from my childhood and beyond affected my emotional development.  I do wonder will COVID’s rein of terror live beyond the life cycle of the virus, in the form of children afraid to be near, afraid to hug, afraid to love one another……….

I know it’s necessary right now, but when strangers cross the street or hide in alleys or whatever in an attempt to stay 2 metres from me, it makes me feel somehow defective, something to be feared.

Its not nice, and it’s certainly not a culture I want to in still in little people.

Loopy x

416. On bad days.

On days like this, I want to stay in bed.  I want to avoid the world and be alone.  I blog on bad days.
Here’s the thing though. I’ve had more good days lately, than bad.  I should be writing about those.

This past week I’ve been reducing my zopiclone and diazepam usage. I’ve been playing with and loving little man.  I’ve been productive work wise, and have even 99% landed an external examiner post.  I’ve been on my bike, I’ve been cuddling with OH.  I’ve been having argument free chats with dearest sister.  I’ve been puking less and no self harm.  I’ve been doing well.

The reality here is that, to some extent COVID lockdown is giving me breathing space, a chance to bond, a chance to reset.

Today was a bad day, but the week has been good.

Focus on the good!!!
Loopy x

403. Getting the boot.

I’ll be flung out tomorrow
I suspect.  All the nurses hate me   I’m difficult and I keep trying to ligature to stop my thoughts and to end it all.


In their eyes I’m putting us all at risk off corona virus. 
The staff find me, Rip the ligature off and the bolt.  I’m not even asked if I’m ok, but I have now had 3 bollockings for it.

I can’t help it.  All I want is to die and allow my boys to.continue their happy lives without me.

I don’t want to be albino and visually umosired anymore.  I don’t want to fail at work.  I don’t want to get fat.  I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror and continue to hate the image staring back.

I’m a horrible, selfish person, which this world
could do without. 

No one can help me and apparently “your not trying hard wbough”
I am though but I’m done

Loopy x